tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30592542188538975892011-11-27T16:30:39.711-08:00...or, what I did not plan to do with my life...E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.comBlogger831100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-52379969947696348352011-04-13T20:35:00.000-07:002011-06-06T12:14:21.234-07:00

My last blog entry was over two years ago. I stopped writing because, quite frankly, I was boring myself with the angst and frustration. I found I was defining myself by the writing – and I was way over it.My blog had become an outlet for complaining. I had a lot of complaining to do and one day, I was just done and wanted to move on. I no longer wanted to be ‘that’ woman who had cancer – and

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-914008608600696702009-06-02T21:34:00.000-07:002009-06-08T10:40:57.547-07:00

I seem to be so detached from everything these days, I'm kinda nervous.A pregnant friend asked me if it was hard to give Molly to my parents."Nope.", I replied rather too quickly. "In fact, I'm kinda relieved to not have the responsibility."I got together with a groups of midwives the other day for peer review, and as we went around the room saying our names and where our practice is located,

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-89449814692844133582009-05-19T01:22:00.000-07:002009-05-19T01:45:25.398-07:00

My dad and I are shooting the shit and he asks, "So, are you working hard?"I take in his words and reply, "No. Actually, I'm not."He's a bit thrown. "Well, are you working?"And I start to really feel the depth of how 'working' and 'hard' have always gone hand in hand in my life. I'm not sure if it is because of my Lineage or just how I was raised as an American. But, whatever it is, I'm so

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-51054455496389901482009-05-09T22:33:00.000-07:002009-06-07T09:53:33.581-07:00

I have returned from my trip to the East Coast and finally feel like I have space and time for me - something that I have not had in quite a while.Since my diagnosis, I have been crazy busy navigating the heavy hitting, toxic treatments: chemo, surgery & radiation. It wasn't like I didn't have time to take care of me, but I was always taking care of myself as an immediate reaction to a treatment

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-87255798251444575802009-04-22T22:59:00.000-07:002009-05-07T08:55:36.730-07:00

Radiation ended a few weeks ago, and I haven't written anything because I'm kinda bored with the story of cancer these days and I don't feel particularly different.So, I am done. Yes and No.I'm done with the heavy hitters - yucky chemo, in patient surgery & radiation. But I still have to go to cedars every 3 weeks until January 2010 for herceptin, this summer I'll be having out- patient

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-23011467113973658962009-04-03T22:57:00.001-07:002009-04-05T23:18:28.320-07:00

I have settled into a world of simplicity.My days start when I wake up and then progress into Radiation at 10:30am, every weekday for 6 weeks. I'm usually exhausted by 6:30pm. They say that is a side effect of radiation: body exhaustion.Everything centers around radiation.I don't resist it anymore, it is more that I witness myself and how I journey through it.Sometimes I arrive early and they

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-73789616676453407592009-03-18T15:28:00.000-07:002009-04-03T22:56:58.105-07:00

After my surgery, before radiation, I started to experience a new phenomenon within myself.I have done enough priestess/goddess/newmoon/magical rituals to know the words of 'letting go'"I let go of hatred"... "I let go of greed"... "I let go of jealousy"... "I let go of...."But to experience it first had within my daily life, with something I truly love, is new.I started a new business last year

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-78190899705246532092009-03-16T18:18:00.000-07:002009-03-27T00:17:01.783-07:00

Radiation has begun, and already I have missed the first two days due to a birth. Technically I am supposed to me there everyday at the same time, but the team there is making an exception to the rules for me, as babies can’t be predicted or rushed.I arrive for my first appointment and am greeted by the cheery Radiation technologist.“Good morning Elizabeth. How was the birth?”I’m on the edge of

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-77868729315570726112009-02-11T19:00:00.001-08:002009-03-16T18:18:41.097-07:00

I feel like stomping my feet and have a proper 3 year old temper tantrum.Today is a day dedicated to cancer and Cedars Siani Hospital. 10:30am Bloodwork, 11:00am Dr. G, 12:30pm Herceptin Infusion, 2:30pm Interview my Radiologist, 4:00pm Manicure (yes, the manicure is a very important part of the cancer day). My Physical Therapist want to see me at 5:00pm, but I say "No", because I know I will

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-27390366932415852382009-02-01T00:08:00.000-08:002009-02-04T14:55:34.265-08:00

I have space now to see my new body.I look at the 4 week old scar on my belly from where they took all the fat for my breasts. I touch the uneaven, undulating, scabbed over skin. I am not scared of this scar. I am not upset it is there.I touch my cleavage with gentle fingers. I trace my breast all around where it joins the skin. I can feel the place where the feeling ends, but am not

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-17313992220854348402009-01-30T23:53:00.000-08:002009-02-05T17:37:32.499-08:00

My Oncologist and Breast Surgeon were each vying to be the first to tell me the news."In your right sentinal lymph node there was no cancer and in your left sentinal lymph nodes there were cysts. That is a sign that cancer was there, but now it is gone. There was no cancer found in any of your other 24 left lymph nodes and they had a hard time finding cancer in your breasts. They found a few

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-20527352723139455872009-01-27T00:01:00.000-08:002009-01-29T11:44:25.772-08:00

I feel like recovery from the surgery is harder than chemo.Chemo is hell. Utter hell. but it is doable, coz the hell only lasts for 2-3 days.Surgery is harder for me because I've been so immobile for so long. And my body hurts. Being is physical pain is very new for me.And I have very little creative or communication ability. There is a lack of motivation to write on my blog. But this is

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-42947664806840847392009-01-10T00:39:00.000-08:002009-01-14T11:42:09.806-08:00

After I left Sufi, my cancer partner in crime, behind in the waiting room, I walked into the pre-operating room where I was surrounded by my team of Loving Doctors... Dr. Schneider (my OB/GYN) - who was there co-incendently for another surgery, came by to say hi and hold my hand, Dr. Kristi Funk (my breast surgeon) was ready to go in and operate first and Dr. Lisa Cassileth (my plastic surgeon)

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-89384785046046868192009-01-05T06:10:00.000-08:002009-01-05T06:21:18.530-08:00

"What appears to be an ending, is perhaps a beginning." - anonymousThis is what I woke up to posted on the elevator at my parent's place. And it is very apprepo.I am strangely excited. I feel so well supported. So loved, by so many.I don't want to rush this place, or skip over any feelings, but what an opportunity I have to offer up all those old ways of being, my old beliefs to literally

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-81376905421888907832009-01-01T00:16:00.000-08:002009-01-03T22:38:57.495-08:00

I have slowly been giving myself space to grieve the inevitable loss of my breasts.I have grown to like my breasts, a lot. And they have been so good to me. They are soft, and fill the hand just to overflowing. They are warm, gentle, pendulous and enjoy a really good bra. They have great cleavage and show off my womanly figure. Yeah, sometime I get frustrated with them when I can't fit into

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-40687123734377091572008-12-30T22:39:00.000-08:002009-01-01T14:09:51.918-08:00

Here is the overall plan:I'm doing the general Breast Cancer Trifecta: Aggressive Chemo, Double Masectomy and Radiation.Then, specific to my cancer, I am having a year of Herceptin plus some other meds for being estrogen and progesterone sensitive.I am choosing to do all this because I want the coffin door closed and nailed shut. I really do not want to have to do any of this again....What that

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-75226497398004439362008-12-16T16:19:00.000-08:002008-12-16T16:38:21.573-08:00

I took care of Pearl and Gus for a few days this week.As I drove them home on Sunday night I was grooving to the radio and belting out Chaka Kahn's "Ain't Nobody"."Ain't nobody loves me better Makes me happy Makes me feel this way Ain't nobody loves me better than you"A bit later, Pearl turned to me and said in a very matter of fact way, "You've changed Ezbeth.""What do you mean, Pearl? I always

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-53214426573522242712008-12-12T10:00:00.000-08:002008-12-13T22:30:49.322-08:00

Of course it figures that as soon as I am done with the chemo, I finally figure it out! (relatively speaking that is!)The fasting for 2 days before had to be the best idea ever. The fact that I felt so good and had cooked food for lunch on Thursday had to be the worst idea ever. But I have to admit, I so look forward to a good retching! It feels fantastic to get it all O.U.T.! (BTW, that is

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-20425674084126058392008-12-10T08:34:00.001-08:002008-12-13T19:35:02.293-08:00

I have new side effects of the chmo this time. My face is more swollen (thanks steroids!) and some swelling in my legs (yet another joy of pregnancy I get to experience). Canckles really are not fun. Because there was a bit more in my left than right leg, Dr. G wanted to do an ultra sound to rule out blood clots. Nothing there.That's me in my winter Kangol (they make the best hats for us

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-14021770624733182132008-12-07T13:41:00.001-08:002008-12-10T08:33:39.777-08:00

My last round of chemo and I am going through a whole range of emotions... one minute sadness... joy the next... and everything in between.The sadness is the emotion that confuses me the most.I am SO excited that I am going to be done with chemo. And if you are a reader of my blog you know that I'm done with abusing my body and the toxins.In the same way that I hold space for families to give

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-15024032087789646902008-12-04T08:17:00.000-08:002008-12-07T14:47:44.141-08:00

I eased myself into my birthday with quiet time and births.I'm not ready to celebrate, because, well, I'm not done with chemo, and my energy is going towards my healing inward, and outward expressions are hard these days.I headed off to Malibu for some quiet R&R to give myself the gift of forgiveness.Two friends came to join me with homemade soup, a walk on the beach and the birthday 'grapefruit'

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-1858455658624608292008-11-28T13:19:00.001-08:002008-12-07T13:40:25.939-08:00

I woke up this morning knowing in my heart without a shadow of a doubt, that as I get ready to turn 40 I want to give myself the biggest gift I can: I want to forgive myself.I come from a long line of not only non-forgiver, but also grudge holders. And I am by no means innocent in either of these departments. I have burned plenty a past bridge with my low self esteem, bitter judgments, angry

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-71338427331889116592008-11-25T00:10:00.000-08:002008-12-09T11:48:25.429-08:00

Vera and I have birthdays 2 days apart, so we decided to treat ourselves to an outrageous Sushi lunch followed by some girly time getting make-overs and splurging on new cosmetics.While driving home Vera giggled, "Now that is what I call a great spiritual experience! We should do this more often!"And I smiled back at her and waited for the confirmation of what a great time I had to move me.But it

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-46315126971232186412008-11-24T12:58:00.000-08:002009-05-07T08:52:07.720-07:00

I have yet to write about this process, because somewhere, deep in my psyche I have been hoping that I would get a magical phone call from the doctors that says, "Elizabeth, we can't believe it! The cancer is gone from your breast and lymphs and there is no reason for you having surgery!"I did get a magical phone call, but it was not what I expected, but far beyond what I could have created...In

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-51652713345790855382008-11-23T23:11:00.001-08:002008-12-07T13:32:41.449-08:00

It isn't that I hate my life, it is just that I don't recognize it any more.I don't understand how 4 days after round 5 of chemo is still supposed to be called "living"?Being productive no longer defines my life. Making money is not a motivating factor. Fantasizing that one day I will be married and have children is no longer anywhere near the radar.What I am is a bald chic with cancer, chemo,

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-80152235831143741122008-11-22T08:24:00.000-08:002008-12-09T11:56:06.369-08:00

Sufi and I head out to the infusion center at 10pm. We are liking the night time treatments because my body naturally wants to sleep.Before I even got to the infusion center I started to feel nausea. Dinner was good, but there was something else going on.I did not feel any resistance in going to the treatment center or getting chemo. I'm so emotionally dead these days that I just show up with

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-91308993675202492622008-11-21T04:26:00.000-08:002008-12-07T14:24:24.655-08:00

So many people want to know where I have been in my writing of the blog.Well, what you are feeling about my lack of writing/sharing is the same thing I am going through.I'm trying to figure out, "Where am I?" "Why have I not written?" "Where are my words?" "Am I feeling well?" "Am I sick?" "Is everything okay?"While I recover from round 5 I will comment on round 4. This is reflective of how

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-54033128733785977942008-11-17T20:01:00.000-08:002008-11-23T23:47:05.484-08:00

I'm not sure why I don't write as often. Maybe because I forget to, the way I forget almost everything these days. It is called "chemo brain". Maybe I wrote about it already?I forget words. I loose thoughts. I get distracted on Facebook and forget that I need to send someone an email - oh, wait, that is just normal these days for everyone!I met a guy a few weeks ago who understands what I

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-62899721642575565102008-11-13T20:23:00.000-08:002008-11-23T23:43:47.329-08:00

I can feel I am supposed to be letting go of something, but fuck me if I remember what exactly it is I am supposed to let go of! Anger, Hate, Sadness, Disappointment, Shame, Guilt, Greed, Arrogance, Jealousy, Suffering, Expectations....am I missing anything?I have done ritual after ritual... therapeutic emotional work... forgiveness ceremonies... and still I find myself grasping for something,

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-4297826508536082592008-10-22T16:00:00.000-07:002008-11-13T20:20:15.828-08:00

The lethargy and nothingness is starting to get a bit dibiliating in my eyes.Dr. G and I check out my Red Blood Count because I am convinced that this level of lethargy has to be physilogical and related to low iron levels. And it is not. My Red Blood count is way within normal. I'm shocked it really is hormonal!I have decided to move in with Rima and the kids, as I do not want to isolate

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-84145846082557129652008-10-22T15:53:00.000-07:002008-11-13T20:08:14.860-08:00

When I go to see Dr. G today he asks the prefunctory, "So, how are you?"I look at him and reply, "From where do you want me to answer that questions? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically?""Well, lets take them one at a time.""Physically my nose and eyes are running all the time. It is like a faucet. There is a burning sensation in my nose when I breath in. The edema is very slightly pitting,

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-47520427929034809082008-10-21T10:30:00.000-07:002008-11-13T20:05:32.263-08:00

After round 3 I get a lot of:"Wow! Elizabeth. You are half way through. That must feel so good!""No, actually, I still have 3 more to go."I explain it like this to my friends who have given birth:Okay, so with your first baby you really have no idea what is involved. You might be a bit scared, a bit excited, a bit nervous, but you know you can do this. You have read the books, you have been

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-44511401347579716062008-10-20T13:48:00.000-07:002008-11-13T20:03:32.235-08:00

I thought I was supposed to loose my appetite? I thought that this was my chance at finally fitting into my skinny jeans?"Hungry?"Whatever.If it is front of me, I eat. And I eat a lot.If it is not in front of me, I don't eat until I am overwhelmed by low blood sugar."Cookie?"Okay."Mash Potatoes?"Alright.1 serving. 5 servings.cooked food. raw food.preservatives. whole grain.There is no

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-56078312360905493502008-10-18T10:35:00.000-07:002008-11-13T20:00:02.879-08:00

I wake up this morning and cancel my day. I feel 'blah'.Blah, Blah, Blah.In fact, I have been feeling blah for sometime now. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I'm not excited. I'm not motivated. I'm not depressed. I'm just nothing. A whole lot of nothing.I'm loosing my speed on eating right. I'm starting to not care what goes in anymore.I have not felt this way about food and

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-38200687729117897722008-10-17T17:40:00.000-07:002008-11-13T19:57:26.852-08:00

Have you ever had a friend that you call and talk to every day when you are single? A person you look forward to sharing and bitching and talking and griping to? And for some reason, when you talk to that person whole worlds of insight open up that you never even realized before? And it gets to the point were you joke that you are dating, even though it is only a daily 8:30 am morning call

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-89869400219478541952008-10-16T20:06:00.000-07:002008-10-16T20:57:21.760-07:00

Today was a very good day.I got 8 hours of sleep and had a whole day to myself with no commitments outside of my flat.So what did I do? I cleaned. I didn't just clean... I SCRUBED!! what a blessing!!I got out my non-toxic, essential oil cleaner (coz you know, those toxic cleaners can cause cancer!) and started to scrub the bathroom - from floor to tub. I caught up on some long overdue phone

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-34018820822388241852008-10-15T22:38:00.000-07:002008-10-17T17:39:59.240-07:00

I had just left my one week after chemo appointment with Dr. G. , where everything is going well. My White Blood Cells (WBC) are fine for a Wednesday after chemo. Nurse Ana got all freaked out that I’m eating raw foods (she doesn’t want to hear the sushi stories), Dr. G is fine with my raw food consumption, as studies don’t show if is our food’s bacteria or our own bodies bacteria cause

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-51220061349823261952008-10-13T20:59:00.000-07:002008-10-14T23:40:58.194-07:00

This was a big weekend for me. I went public with my professional life on Saturday and then public with my personal life on Sunday. I'm pretty proud of myself and the courage I have shown to be seen in my truth. And I'm tired. I forget how much energy I spend in just plan old "being".I finally made my way out of my business partner, Ana Paula's, house today. It is always bitter sweet as I

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-80487081735092739662008-10-13T20:17:00.001-07:002008-10-13T20:30:03.700-07:00

After Sufi read my post she emailed me to let me know about the blue orb imagery. This time around she was guided to turn the chemo into blue orbs instead of hawks. The blue orbs were a transporters or bubbles "carrying the word 'opening' since the cancer has gotten very smart building doors. The orbs look harmless to the cancer unlike the hawk formations and the word opens the way."Okay, for

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-47111447155371229052008-10-11T21:19:00.000-07:002008-10-12T16:45:28.494-07:00

As I mentioned earlier in this blog, my professional life was finally on a role and I was hitting my stride when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have been doing a lot of speaking within my peers and teaching classes, and before the diagnosis I booked my first formal, paid lecture with The Childbirth Education Association of Orange County. The theme was how nurses, midwives and doulas

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-5875145081635926682008-10-11T16:52:00.000-07:002008-10-11T18:22:24.381-07:00

Now I get why everyone says, "be strong". There is something that happens in the breaking down/beating up process of chemo that makes me not want to help myself.For example, for the past 2 rounds I have been really diligent on eating a raw diet with lots of yogurt, Kombucha and Bee Pollen to make sure I do not contribute to the acid in my stomache - (raw foods neutralize/alkaline the body).

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-8335973631499809582008-10-10T11:50:00.000-07:002008-10-12T16:29:04.953-07:00

Fuck, this is getting boring and old, and there is nothing I can do about it.This round is the hardest one so far. I'm not any more physically nauseated than usual. I still have an appetite. I stare at the ceiling and walls and drift in and out. I'm in a home that I love being in. I'm enjoying the whole 3rd season of Weeds. I am getting lots of support.And I can feel myself fighting to remain in

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-8435706342440217252008-10-08T03:04:00.000-07:002008-10-12T16:37:24.833-07:00

Eck. I'm not feeling poetic or particularlly in the mood to write.I switched my chemo to Tuesday night because I have an engagement on Saturday I really want to attend. I'm hoping, I'm even praying that I'm back in my body by then.I've had a long, fulfilling day craming in all I can while I feel good before I go down for the count, again. (sigh). God, it was such a great day, and now I have

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-85999133607606433512008-10-06T13:13:00.000-07:002008-10-08T11:23:37.849-07:00

Here we are. The day before chemo... again. I have taken the day off, as I started to feel signs of neuropathy. A heaviness in my arms with some muscular tentany. A slight tingling in my hands. It moves throughout my body. It comes and goes. I taught class all weekend and was backing up AP for a birth. My nervous system is fried. I can really appreciate how much I 'do', when all I am

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-21944774674264808982008-10-04T21:24:00.000-07:002010-06-13T23:27:29.192-07:00

A friend in the community checked out a lot of doctors when she had breast cancer and worked with an oncologist in Santa Monica who was the only one to offer her a different treatment that resonated with her. He really seemed to know his stuff. So, I felt that if anyone was gonna be able to dis-agree with the treatment I was getting, it would be him.He gave me the thumbs up and concurred with

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-55372051415738268002008-09-27T19:46:00.000-07:002008-10-08T09:23:57.607-07:00

Yesterday was the first day that I forgot my hat in public. I made a choice - I either hunch my shoulders and hide myself (which is hard to do when you are 5'10") or I drop into my beauty, elongate the neck and Rock It!! No one in the pizza shop knows that I'm having chemo. For all they know the girl in the skinny jeans is just a wild child who boldly cut her hair off as a fashion statement!Who

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-30121691633634292222008-09-24T22:00:00.000-07:002008-10-08T11:01:08.614-07:00

It took a LONG while, but we finally I have the definative results for the cancer. I do not have lobular cancer, I have ductal cancer with lobular tendencies. (YEAH! - this means a better prognosis!) Ductal is more 'garden varitity' cancer. It is not all over the place like lobular. That is the good news.The strange news is that I am triple positive: HER-2 positive, Estrogen sensitive and

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-47811665413401149832008-09-23T22:42:00.000-07:002008-09-27T18:55:20.984-07:00

This round of chemo I actually felt myself 'go down'. It is bizarre to feel the white blood cells in the body bottem out. I felt myself moment to moment get more tired. I cancelled my afternoon and by noon my eyes were shutting themselves and I was in bed.The think yellow coat on my tongue was nasty to look at and taste. And I felt my body start to use up the fluid reserves that it had. So, I

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-19005195800234342072008-09-22T23:24:00.000-07:002008-09-27T18:40:48.427-07:00

As I don't spend any time reading the papers, my friend have to let me know that America is something like: 700 million - or is it billion? dollars in debt. And that the trickle down place of the debt might put us back into "the depression" of the 30's.I'm 'aguffing'. (that is a word? yes?)And I don't get it or my life?If people are truely in alignment with 'god' by listening to their intuition

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-27774025252648694602008-09-20T15:29:00.000-07:002008-09-22T23:36:05.058-07:00

Thursday was a good day. No nausea. Full on eating of meals. My sister and I went for a sunset beach walk. In fact, I said to my sister, "If this continues, maybe we can go to a matinee tomorrow." God, I must live in some kind of chemo fantasy land...Friday sucked. The lethargy leaves me flattened. I had my first round of vomiting. When the nausea hits I have to lie still and decide. "Is

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-25222595755516788972008-09-17T22:56:00.000-07:002010-06-13T23:16:47.264-07:00

Good news, I got my period today!!! 28 days to the day!!! YEAH!! Two points for E. Bachner's body!! I new I was ovulating... but I was so scared I was making it up and did not want to be dissapointed so soon. But I rejoice!! I don't think I have ever been so happy to bleed!! My OB/GYN said, "This is a very good sign that your body is not stressed!" Yes! This is also a good sign that I

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-18498020259035087072008-09-16T23:40:00.000-07:002008-09-16T23:54:59.755-07:00

I had a very productive day today.Everyone wants to support me, so I asked a friend Trisha if she would help me with my biggest challenge: the mundane world. My plans for this fall were to organize my home office... filing, taxes, accounting, throwing out... but all that got pushed aside with my new life classes at Cancer College. Now, I am lucking that I am surrounded by many fabulous healers,

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-34442708851317129142008-09-16T07:43:00.000-07:002008-09-16T07:45:51.472-07:00

As I stand in the shower I try to figure out what the hell to do with my bald head? Do I wash it? do I soap it up? Will the soap dry it out? I know what to do with hair... but what do I do with no hair? I am a product whore, but I forgot to inquire about this one at the Beauty store....May this be the biggest problem I have today

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-18996722113546162422008-09-14T21:19:00.000-07:002008-09-22T23:23:06.733-07:00

By the time I got to sunday dinner I had had ENOUGH of my hair... you see, I had backed myself into a corner.My hair was no longer the beautiful, long waves that I had had for, um 35 years (yes, the last time I had short hair I was 4 years old and it was NOT pretty). My hair had become one big HUGE dread-lock. And it itched. And it was heavy. It was looking like a rats nest that could only come

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-22617292784848093392008-09-13T21:51:00.000-07:002008-09-14T00:11:34.393-07:00

The hair today is close to shamefull. I just wanted my hair to last until Sunday. Serves me right for being so willfull. UGGGHThe falling out of my hair has gone beyond nasty. All day it has been dropping everywhere. I'm picking off the floor, my shirt, my morning goat yogurt, Molly's chew toys... I can't wait to have it off and I can do a good vacumming at home!While waiting for my

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-47167928144854434672008-09-12T23:21:00.000-07:002008-10-08T22:21:56.677-07:00

All of my clients (both doula and midwife) know that I have "Titty Cancer" (as Ana P likes to call it). Together, in relationship, with me taking nothing personally, we decide how they would like to move forward.This is a very hard place for me for two reasons. 1) I do not have a '9-5' job. I'm on call 24/7 when I take a client on. That means I could have 10 days 'off' (even thought I am on

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-32980094068639572222008-09-12T20:33:00.000-07:002008-09-17T00:21:52.094-07:00

"So," Rachey asked in her daily phone call to me, "What's new?""Well, I have officaly become an aging rock star. My long hair is just falling out of me in clumps. It just collects on my clothes, and as I pick it off, more comes out in these grodee- cyotee clumps. I refuse to wash it because I don't want to be "that person" whose hair falls out in clumps in the shower. So, I am wearing hats.

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-79316185655978608602008-09-10T23:54:00.000-07:002008-09-23T17:22:13.850-07:00

I tell Dr. G I am having a 'tired' day, my eyes are a bit glassy and my nose a bit runny. Maybe a bit fluey? Is this what a flu feels like, coz I don't get flues. He tells me it is probably allergies."Allergies? but I don't have allergies?" I keep doing that... "But I don't get headaches." "But I don't get sick." "But I don't...." I keep defining who I am by how I have been. As

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-45204769692392546812008-09-10T18:51:00.000-07:002008-10-08T22:20:54.448-07:00

It is officially offical. I am not one of those blessed people who will not loose their hair. It is comin' out. I am shedding and it is kinda gross. I run my finger's through my hair and I get a lots of strands. I already said I was done washing it (not a big deal for those of you who know long hair) and I don't brush my hair all that often anyways (sorry mom, but those threats from

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-41445927160090010812008-09-09T22:29:00.000-07:002008-10-13T00:35:22.485-07:00

If you are gonna spend the afternoon wig shopping, do choose a friend who has as much fun trying on wigs as you do! That's Amanda, the 'other' blonde in the photo. Not only is she a fashion designer, but she is also a doula (yeah, I know, I know a lot of doulas).Where to begin? there are so many to choose from!!! Short, long, white? red? purple? (that one was nixed). What about something

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-78551214216779701672008-09-08T15:28:00.000-07:002008-09-17T00:17:23.230-07:00

It has officially begun, the loosing of the hair. What people don't tell you - or maybe it is just me - is the pubic hair is the first to go. It is a bit disconcerting at first. I'm looking at the toilet paper with a "What the hell is going on?" ... and then I remind myself, "You are having chemo. It is normal for the hair to go."But I am not ready for the hair on my head to go. I am attached

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-33146800803258132672008-09-04T09:50:00.000-07:002008-10-08T09:23:19.295-07:00

Tuesday had to be one the BEST days I had so far! Again, I don't expect to be where I was before the chemo, but I was in a great space.This was to be my first night at home in my bed. I love Ana Paula's home and care, but I was so excited to be back home with my new organic latex mattress!!!My aussie friend wanted to do lunch. I didn't feel like going out, so I asked her to bring food over.

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-74097422915031680242008-09-01T19:33:00.001-07:002008-09-01T19:53:34.271-07:00

My first outing since the Chemo. I go out to Piper's house, Ana Paula's sister-in-law's. The cousins are all running around, the steaks start a fire on the grill, wine glasses spill... I am officially o.u.t. I'm working on taking who I am now, how I feel now and work this person into my life. I feel like a walking science experiment. I am slower - we walk to Piper's and I do my 'old man

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-14823041142603509622008-09-01T12:36:00.000-07:002008-09-16T08:37:28.302-07:00

I'm angry today because I don't feel better today than I did yesterday.My friend Rebecca (who has been through this with her mother) told me, "Elizabeth, you are going to have some days when you feel good, you are gonna have some days when you feel bad. And others when you'll feel 'blah'. And then some days where you forget you even have Cancer you are having so much fun. You are going to

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-10733384087027360232008-08-30T09:00:00.000-07:002008-09-17T00:04:15.789-07:00

I am definately slow. But at least I am pooping and awake during the day!Even though there is no more nausea, my body feels like it has been side swipped an then run over backwards by a Mac Truck. The body/bone pain is not unbearable, but I definately need some Tylenol and meds to sleep at night. I have been told that this is one of the side effects of the medication to get my bone marrow to

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-80018444835003488652008-08-30T08:47:00.000-07:002008-09-16T23:38:57.663-07:00

After 2 days of being spoon fed cooling, bowl-moving foods, I feel a break.Every time I was awake I ate. I spooned in what I could. Ana P. was getting concerned coz I had eaten so little (but in my mind it was a LOT!). She was concerned that I was so lethargic coz I had no nutrients in my system. But part of me was like, "my body does not want to eat for a reason... maybe there is a logic in

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-56682699113371281062008-08-29T20:36:00.000-07:002008-10-08T22:55:28.518-07:00

I finally remember when I have felt this way before. It was back in college. It was the night before the morning hangover when I knew I had drunk way to much and was falling in love with my new best friend: the cold, cool toilet bowl.I'd throw up, then rest. I was conscious of my actions, yet not even close to functioning in my body. I barely knew where I was in time and space, and it was

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-78547068313654831832008-08-28T00:21:00.000-07:002008-10-02T21:29:39.947-07:00

I have turned into an "Old Man From Florida". I lie on the bed staring into space, falling asleep to a movie, being spoon fed yogurt, having no idea what time of day it is...Molly is allowed to be on the bed now. In fact, Molly can do whatever the hell she wants. I don't care. I'm just trying to keep the nausea at bay and praying for a good poop.For the nausea I take homeopathics until it

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-29218653542757622162008-08-27T18:00:00.000-07:002008-10-02T22:14:13.219-07:00

Sufi and I had a 'girly' sleep over last night. We tied up all the loose ends that I could. Crossed all the t's and dotted the i's to the best of my ability. My cancer treatment has been getting in my way of the efficiency I usually have with my mundane world.I am up at 5:30am with the same excitement churning through my system that I had two weeks ago before my regular OB/GYN appointment. It

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-64997881307753065482008-08-26T23:00:00.000-07:002010-06-13T22:44:35.823-07:00

As I gather myself and get ready to descend in the dark world of the unknown, I know that I am more prepared than most. Becoming a midwife was no easy task, but I know that it is the best perparation one can have to journey into cancer.I am given advice from a Senior Midwife in our community who has witnessed this road before. She says, "Elizabeth, don't have cancer as a midwife, have cancer

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-16758498460630641612008-08-26T19:07:00.000-07:002008-10-08T09:37:17.435-07:00

I have a few choice in regarding how the chemo enters my body.1) Each time I go, I have and IV placed into my arm and it shoots through my veins. -NOPE!! I am so not signing on for that.2) A PICC line. This is put into my upper arm. This is an in and out procedure. Benefits are that the scar is in a spot that no one will see it (inside of the arm) and not having to go 'under' for surgery.

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-86747907567889740042008-08-25T09:14:00.000-07:002008-10-08T09:21:25.484-07:00

Wednesday's Chemo was a good idea.I still had one client left who was not due to give birth for a weekish. But again, this journey is one of trust, so I just have to trust it will all work out.I had back up midwives in line for the 'just in case' and when I was getting my tests done, but again, every time I check in I hear the same thing, "Don't worry. you are well supported and this clients

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-7688497226015708832008-08-19T22:14:00.000-07:002009-05-09T21:38:33.999-07:00

I'm getting a bunch of phone calls from Ricardo, who has given me his direct line - he might give it to everyone, but it makes me feel special that I can talk directly to a person whenever I want - and Dr. Gould fits me in on Monday morning. I like that he's making space for me to move fast, coz I feel like the cancer is rapidly dividing in my body.My first hit is that I like this place. The

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-6648097496694788912008-08-19T17:02:00.000-07:002008-10-11T08:25:19.955-07:00

Fuck. Last week I had no use for a hospital. I'm never been sick, so what would I need a hospital for? This week I have more tests done to me than... than.... oh, I have no idea. I just never thought I would be here. I'm at Cedars every-other day right now. The tests are defenately putting a dent in my daily life.My friends come with me to watch me model the latest in hospital gown,

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-24814588288050619622008-08-16T10:04:00.000-07:002008-09-12T20:33:39.088-07:00

I consider myself very fortunate to have created such and exceptional life for myself in Los Angeles. I don't just have great clients and friends, but I am surrounded by people who love me the way that I am. And even when I have crazy and outrageous ways of viewing the world, they don't judge me, but rather look at me in wonderment and laugh with me.Among my close circle is Rima. On paper,

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-29641571470558639282008-08-15T21:07:00.000-07:002008-10-02T22:02:25.170-07:00

Sitting in the place of having cancer in your breasts and lymphs but not knowing if it is anywhere else in the body is CRAZY making!!Oh, shit, there is a red spot on my face.... it must be cancer.What is that insane itching on my leg that will not go away? is the cancer now in my bones?Um, I think my glands in my throat are swollen. I think the cancer has gone there.Ugh, my left illiac crest

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-29482773544692462352008-08-15T19:08:00.000-07:002010-06-13T22:35:04.768-07:00

There are two kinds of people in the world when it comes to stress... Those that can't eat, and those that over eat.My whole life I have DREAMED of being the former, but true to my lineage, I have always been the later.Without out getting into lots of details at the moment, lets just say that I know that this has to real, because for the first time in my life I have NO desire to eat. In fact

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-15028781747716487492008-08-15T11:29:00.000-07:002010-02-01T14:33:44.560-08:00

I have been a student of the spiritual arts for years now. I have studied Loving-Kindness Meditations, participated in Priestess Trainings all over the world and explored Christian Mysticism. If I was curious about it, I gave myself full permission to explore it. The one thing that all these spiritual trainings have in common is the talk about getting into the present moment. Well, Ladies and

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-11620158825619999032008-08-14T18:58:00.000-07:002010-02-01T14:31:34.921-08:00

My friends won't let me go by myself to see the doctor(s). In fact, I'm treated like an invalid and am not even allowed to drive myself!!We laugh, we joke. This is ABSURD!! It is a downright comedy that "I" have cancer.At Christy Funks office I am greeting by a lovely receptionist who jokes along with me. The office for Dr. F feels really good. Clean, spacious, bright. And there are robes

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-40578553706101738512008-08-14T18:00:00.000-07:002010-02-01T14:27:22.627-08:00

Wednesday, August 14So now that I know I have cancer, the next step is to tell others. Telling people has become a full time job. I usually reach my max at about 4 people a day.For some reason, cancer brings out everyone else's fear of death - and other's words can get mixed in with their fear and projections. As one of my friends said, "Wow, you seem so comfortable with everything. I feel bad

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-43048767251494271862008-08-13T15:48:00.000-07:002010-02-01T14:35:30.090-08:00

My OB/GYN called to confirm that the biopsy came back positive for cancer. They still need to confirm the kind and stage, but yes, I have breast cancer and it is in my lymph node."I have breast cancer." I say to myself as I drive to check the belly of a pregnant mom."Don't you know that plastic water bottles can cause cancer?" I want to scream at the guy behind the counter as he hands me my soup

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-64715966322864583122008-08-13T14:00:00.000-07:002010-02-01T14:23:47.526-08:00

My Sister, Rachel, is my best friend and sister. I guess you have to have a sister to understand what I mean. It doesn't matter if we talk once a day or once a month... we would do anything for the other without hesitation. It is the ultimate in unconditional love.Due to a strange turn of life events, in the past two years, my older brother, Bryan, has become one of my closest friends. I look

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3059254218853897589.post-58752803803047632102008-08-12T17:00:00.000-07:002010-02-01T14:18:22.009-08:00

Today is the day I found out I have cancer. To date, this has to be the most surreal moment of my life.After my morning OB/GYN appointment, we were lucky enough to get an afternoon mammogram. While there, they found "nothing" on the mammogram and the doctor thought it was just a cyst. On my way to the next room to have an ultra sound I was trying to give my friend in the waiting room the "

E. Bachnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00538671910191954464noreply@blogger.com0