I can't feel much these days...

Vera and I have birthdays 2 days apart, so we decided to treat ourselves to an outrageous Sushi lunch followed by some girly time getting make-overs and splurging on new cosmetics.

While driving home Vera giggled, "Now that is what I call a great spiritual experience! We should do this more often!"

And I smiled back at her and waited for the confirmation of what a great time I had to move me.

But it didn't.

And I had a choice. I could turn to Vera with a fake smile on my face and laugh, "Me too!" But I loved myself and respected our friendship too much to lie.

So, I turned to Vera and said the truth, "Vera, I know deep down inside I had a great time too. But I'm sad that I can't feel the excitement I used to feel anymore."

And she knows what I am saying. It is not personal about what we did, but it is more about what is going on with me and my body.

There is a strange survival mechanism that I am witnessing in my body: detachment. I believe it is there to help me get through chemo hell by forgetting and conserving my energy - and I believe in the genius of my body to create this, and I am uncomfortable with how foreign it feels.

I've already talked about the loss of short term memory. And the plus side to this is just like a mom who forgets the pain of labor, I forget the pain of chemo. Also, not remembering makes is harder to 'control' things - which I'm getting better at - and it is easier to keep showing up!

This detachment makes it very difficult to access my emotions. I've rarely had lows in the past, and I know that I have a lot of excitement about life. But I can not find it in these moments. It is like my inside emotions have become a big bowl of overcooked, cold oatmeal mush. It is not depresssion, but a big bowl of 'nothing'.

And I get scared. I barely recognize myself anymore! What am I going to do without excitement and motivation to move me forward? Why would I want to do anything? Where did my Joie de Vive go?

Excitement is so foreign to me now that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday because I'll have to put on a fake cheesy smile to make other people comfortable with my lack of excitement. I can't feel anything!

I am a master when it comes to being 'happy'. I am one of those innately positive people, and I learned at a young age that I could regulate others emotions by creating 'happy' situations. Therefor, most of my life has been built around 'staying positive' with my inner excitement bubbling up around me to move me forward and sometimes even persuading others to join me/do something - because I have been known to be contagious in my enthusiasm.

And as I know from my studies in Chinese Medicine, sometimes "too much joy" can be unbalancing. And I know from my personal experience that too much enthusiasm can create denial, ungroundedness and gets me into trouble as I move too fast without pausing. (Anyone out there remembering my marriage in my 20's will know exactly what I am talking about!)

And sometime before all this midwifery/cancer stuff happened, I decided that if my excitement can be contagious, then I better be damn sure that what I am saying/doing is done in a responsible way with my own inner clarity (hence this long ass spiritual journey I have been on).

The upside to this 'no feeling place' is I find I am quieter. I am conserving more energy because I am not putting so much energy out in front of me. I'm finally able to think before I speak and ask questions. I can feel pauses and space. I can feel the lows, name them and not be scared of them. I feel anger, sadness, lethargy, disappointment, unhappiness and no one is dying. And if others do get hurt by it and do not want to be in a healthy relationship with me over their own feelings, then that is their loss and their problem.

This 'nothing' place is an uncomfortable place for me because it is so unknowns, but it is so much more relaxing here.

And I start to get excited to see who I will become with this new way of being when all of this cancer stuff is over....

Winning the Mascetomy Lottery!!

I have yet to write about this process, because somewhere, deep in my psyche I have been hoping that I would get a magical phone call from the doctors that says, "Elizabeth, we can't believe it! The cancer is gone from your breast and lymphs and there is no reason for you having surgery!"

I did get a magical phone call, but it was not what I expected, but far beyond what I could have created...

In order for me to shut, lock, seal and nail the breast cancer door shut, I have known in my heart that I will need to offer up both of my breasts in the form of a double masectomy. If you were to research the 'numbers', I have more chance of having breast cancer in other parts of my body then I do in having it re-occur in the right breast. But, if I was to believe in the 'numbers', I would not be writing this blog to begin with!

That is why I love Dr. F. She gets me. She also believes that even though we do not have the data, there is something about my breast DNA that creates cancer. Therefor, since I am young, both of us believe that for me to live a cancer free life the best course of action is to get rid of my number one and only risk factor: my breasts!

In the search for a plastic surgeon to help with my breast re-construction, Dr. F was very aware that having any more out of pocket expenses, like a great Beverly Hills plastic surgeon would not be supportive of my healing process. So, she suggested a staff surgeon at Cedars that my insurance would pay for.

Dr. S had just moved to Cedars as a staff Plastic Surgeon from USC this July. He has a reputation for being really good at his job, but Dr. K did warned me to not expect a lot of his time or a warm bedside manner.

Brenda, my breast friend specialist, is world renown for her natural breasts as one of the Wonderbra models. So, I thought it fitting that she should be in charge of my new breast! Brenda has happily been researching all my surgical options on line and joyfully coming with me to every meeting.

When we both met Dr. S we were shocked as his disrespect for us (as he continued to refer to us as "gals") and his confusion is explaining my options. So at the end of our meeting, admist my confusions I asked him, "So Dr. S, Dr. F said that because I will be having radiation to the breast after the surgery, a lateral flap surgery would be my best option so the skin does not shirk wrap around the implants." This is when the dragon reared his ugly head. In a dismissive tone he replied, "Elizabeth, I would not tell you how to delivery a baby, therefore Dr. F should not tell me what surgery to perform and I will not tell her how to remove the cancer!"

Brenda and I were at a loss for words. It is one thing to disagree and choose ones words, it is quite another thing to be rude and dismissive of a Doctor I trust a hell of a lot more than this arrogant ass.

We both left scratching our heads and Brenda chippered, "Well, his arrogance might work in our favor so he can show off his work with your breasts. Anyways you don't need him for good beside manners, you've got me and Dr. F for that!" And in the next sentence, "Lets get a second, third and forth opinion."

I was dumbfounded and sad that my decision was going to be made on my economic situation and not artestry and kindness. How would I ever let this insecure, arrogant, confusing, rude and distrustful man not just touch my breasts but leave his work on my body forever?

So, we went to get a second opinion from a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills who was highly recommended.

Dr. Lisa Cassileth was BEYOND fantastic. Granted, the Beverly Hills office is a far cry from the 1960's decor of Cedars. But still, we were greeted with smiles and offers of libations. We were given a DVD to watch to lay the foundation for our choices. And then when Dr. C arrived I explained how my financial situation may not make her an option, she happily agreeded to answer all of my questions so I could be comfortable with choosing a staff physician if that is what I wanted.

2 hours later we emerged happy and clear. I knew that the new microsurgery (called a DIEP surgery) that Dr. C and her partner offer was exactly what I wanted. It meant that the muscles of my body would not have to be re-arranged to create new breast, and the blood supply that was needed would be delicately brought up from my abdomin. She also showed her excitement in using my own fat to create natural curves, drops and lifts in my breast ever after the radiation. And by using my own fat I would also be bringing up stem cells to heal that area!

Her passion for me to not only look good but also feel good brought me to tears. I left knowing I would have to manifest double digits in the thousands because that was who I wanted on my team.

A week later, after round 5 of chemo I called her assistant back to be greeted by the following news:

"Elizabeth, Dr. C has been wanting to start a non-profit for years now to give back to the community. This non-profit has not started yet, in fact there is no name for it. But the idea is to offer Dr. C's services to a few women every year who are in finacial need due to the cancer who would otherwise not be able to afford her services. Dr. C would like to extend to you her out of pocket services that your insurance does not cover from this non-profit."

Even in this moment I well up with tears when I think about this generous offer from Dr. C. I let them know admist my tears that not only was I overwhelmed by this unexpected offer, but that I would be happy to be their non-profit post child!!

This is beyond anything that I could have ever made happen.

Once again I am shown that I continue to by guided by unseen forces, as the red carpet continues to be rolled out for my healing journey through cancer.

Finally, the words have found me

It isn't that I hate my life, it is just that I don't recognize it any more.

I don't understand how 4 days after round 5 of chemo is still supposed to be called "living"?

Being productive no longer defines my life. Making money is not a motivating factor. Fantasizing that one day I will be married and have children is no longer anywhere near the radar.

What I am is a bald chic with cancer, chemo, death and destruction surging through her body.

I lie around napping, taking Ambien when I can't sleep, watching movie after movie, trying to eat, taking deep breaths to get in more oxygen, wincing every so often at the neuropathy, forgetting almost everything that is thought or said to me, attempting not to get overwhelmed by other people's emotions... and this is called 'living'?

I can not think of one thing that keeps me here on Earth. I don't have a child, I have not found my 'other half', and there are lots of really great midwives out there. Even on my good days when I am laughing and enjoying, I keep waiting for "the point" of life to hit me over the head like a brick.

Anna W. asked me if I am scared of dieing on thursday.

I laughed.

"No. Not really. Put it this way, I stopped planning when I got cancer. I have absolutely no idea what Gods plan is for me. I have no idea if I'm going to be living or dieing. But one thing I do know, If I do leave and go into the non-physical form, I sure know how to contact all the people I love and bother them!"

I am clear that I am not going to commit suicide, because why would I leave this version of the 'unknown', where I have lots of support in the familar and choose to leave for the "unknown" in the unfamilar? Now that sounds crazy to me.

But, if God's plan is for me to leave, then I'm not too fussed, coz I feel dead inside anyways.

As I write this I can feel tears again. I can feel myself connecting with something, but I have no idea what.

God it feels so good to actually be able to cry.

Now, if only I could remember why I'm crying....

Round 5 - toxin overload!

Sufi and I head out to the infusion center at 10pm. We are liking the night time treatments because my body naturally wants to sleep.

Before I even got to the infusion center I started to feel nausea. Dinner was good, but there was something else going on.

I did not feel any resistance in going to the treatment center or getting chemo. I'm so emotionally dead these days that I just show up with a 'whatever' within me.

So, I'll back it up a bit. Sometime after round a 4 I could start to feel that I needed a cleanse. I was getting caught in a toxic cycle and could literally feel my body going all heebie geebie on me!

The heebie geebies feel like this: Imagine you are 20 again and in a drunken stupor from a night of heavy partying. You not only flirt with a boy whose name you can not remember, but you kiss him too! And sometime the next morning you wake up to the alcohol still swimming in your blood stream trying to make their way out. You are not quite sober, you are probably still might be drunk, you wish you had vomited the night before and you have a conscience that starts to sneak into your thought pattern: "Ugggh, I flirted with that boy? and I was so drunk I even kissed him? what else did I do/say? Did I insult my best friend? Did I make a fool of myself?" and then your whole body just kinda shivers in disgust - that is the heebie geebies!

And as I told this story to Anna W., she said, "Yeah, and that boy was probably toxic for you the same way the chemo is!"

Yup! she is so right! The chemo is toxic for my body and my body has had ENOUGH toxins! I am SO jonzing for a really good full body cleanse. But no can do. Gotta put more toxins in my body to get healed!! Gotta consciously choose to abuse my body yet another time to heal... BIZARRE!!!

By the time I got to the treatment center the nausea has increased. Before the pre-meds ever go into my system I can hear my body for the first time ever really talking to me, and it is screaming, "GET THESE TOXINS OUT OF ME!" And then I hear: "I WANT THESE TOXNS O.." but the sentence can not be completed because I am now puking up dinner. Just the thought of chemo makes my whole body retch.

There is a medical term for this reaction. Dr. G calls it: anticipatory nausea. I call it: my body is clever and knows it does not want any more toxins!

But what I know to be true is that when I started chemo I was pretty damn clean physically. There were not many toxins in me at all! With the first round of chemo I did not vomit, and took lots of side effect meds. The second round I vomited once, on day 3 and less side effect meds. Then each round the vomiting has been getting closer and closer to the chemo until today, when it was actually happening before the chemo even went into my body. What I believe is that my body is getting more and more toxic and it wants to vomit out the toxins! That seems like a normal reaction to me. It is getting so over filled with the toxins and frustrated that I won't listen to it, that now it is trying to get the toxins out even before they go in!

So, in an effort to get the chemo in, I adopt a different plan. I explain to my body how the chemo does need to go inside in order to kills the cancer. So I had the nurse call Dr. G at 1 in the morning to get me an Ativan so I am knocked unconscious enough to get the toxins into me.

(Dr. G reminds me later that I was ademently apposed to Ativan the first time... I reminded him that I am ademently apposed to taking side effect meds I do not need, and when I need them I have no problem taking them!)

The second part of this negotiation with my body was to then give it permission to vomit, but after the chemo went in. The next morning I had a friend come over to give me a full bag of fluids through an IV so I stay so I could vomit until my heart/body is contented! What a HUGE difference it makes. (That's me hangin' out in Ana Paula's kitchen with a bag of IV fluids hooked up to me and the wall). So, as the IV fluids went in, we chatted... about birth... of course. :)

I looked forward to every time I retched, because I new the toxins were leaving my body! And that felt SO good!

Yes, I can still feel the toxins in me, I have poor posture and I can feel my white blood cells bottom out, but I have taken no other side effect meds this time! (think of all the money I am saving the insurance company... I hope they thank me later ). Nothing for nausea. Nothing for vomiting. Nothing for sleep!

I feel like this recover is much better than the others.

The closer I get to it being over, the more I feel like I am understanding chemo.

reminsing on Round 4

So many people want to know where I have been in my writing of the blog.

Well, what you are feeling about my lack of writing/sharing is the same thing I am going through.

I'm trying to figure out, "Where am I?" "Why have I not written?" "Where are my words?" "Am I feeling well?" "Am I sick?" "Is everything okay?"

While I recover from round 5 I will comment on round 4. This is reflective of how my life goes these days. I no longer live in Chronos time, ("Kronos time is what we live with on a daily basis. It is measured by clocks, hours, minutes, and seconds. It often seems to be more of a nemesis or taskmaster than a friend. There is rarely enough of it, and we feel stressed out as we race the clock to go about our regular activities. Kronos time is what we schedule and make appointments in."*) but rather Kairos Time ( "Kairos time, on the other hand, flows gently -- allowing us to be in the moment. We participate in kairos time, rather than racing to catch up with it. Kairos time may occur during meditation, the creative process, rocking a baby, reading a well written book, and other activities that are personally meaningful to us. One is wholly absorbed in the moment, unhurried and unaware of time passing. These are the moments that nurture our souls."*). I no longer live in straight lines that are predictable, but rather circularly and sometimes backwards. And for some reason time no longer 'flys by' in between the chemo treatments, but rather it feels like long times, and I'm liking it that way.

Round 4 was the toughest one yet.

Before I arrived I had come to terms with the fact that having children may not be the end of the world. In fact, there might be a lot more living I can do without the 24/7 dependency and responsibility of raising a child. I was feeling quite liberated! And as the fight for my eggs left me, I felt my youth slip back in. I've always had a young body on the outside, why would it not be youthful on the inside too? I had gotten to the point where I had made friends with my fear, so there were a whole new range of choices opening up for me.

But as is my pattern, the next gate was presenting itself: Idealism. I am being called to let go of the Idealist within myself - because obviously she is useless, as she could not prevent cancer! :) And, It is true, that my idealist - even with her healthy way of living - creates more separation, hate and judgment that I am assuming responsibility for.

I was offered a fantastic book on the subject, which I do recomend:

Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride: A Psychological Study by Marion Woodman.

I'm too disconnect and burned up to get dramatic with my writing about this descent into Chemo Hell. It is more with a slow, disconnected drag that I bring myself to the 11pm shift with Sufi and Just Show Up!

Everyone says "Oh, your half way through.", but for me, it did not matter. I was starting to have an psycho emotional response to one of the drugs in my protocol that created a huge burning sensation in my nose and I could feel that sensation before I even got there. In order to keep showing up there is a disassociation that happens. There is a "lets not go there until we need to go there" mentality. And luckily the brain supports that with the literal loss of short term

memory.


I had an angel of a nurse - whose name I forgot - but I'm glad I have her picture. Sufi and I curled up on my bed to sleep through most of the treatment.

I'm trying to write about the chemo, but as I try to I get nausea. The psycho/emotional response is so strong! It is the same 'yucky' pit-in-my-stomache visceral body response that I have when my unresolved abuse issues get triggered in me.

In my book, Chemo is abusive to the body... and I am allowing it to happen! God, this is really fucked up that I was not able to keep my body safe enough from this physical toxin. And it is also messed up in saying that this poisen will 'cure' me.

Sorry party people, but I'm gonna have to stop writing about chemo. It is literally making me sick.

Lets just say that the nurse was an angel, she change the order of the chemo so I would have less burning in my nose and it worked.

When I arrived back at Rima's I had a good day (the steroids don't wear off until day 2). Then my brother arrived from Hong Kong to enjoy a bit of Halloween on the lawn before we drove off to Malibu to recover together.

I spent a week with my brother and it is the same story, just a different week. By day 2 after I had gotten myself dehydrated (because the voice of heal continues to be a distant echo) I had a raging liver yang headache and heat all over my body. I had to call Anna W over for some emergency acupuncture and hydration.

The next two days I looked forward to vomiting (get those toxins OUT!), shuffled around like a zombie, slept, ate eggs from breakfast, raw yogurt, raw cream, keiffer water, tea and lots of apples and prayed for the poop! My medication intake was minimal, as I'm not wanting to fight the nausea as I know if must be serving a purpose. I figure my body does not want to eat because it has too many god damn toxins in it to eat! So, I'm listening to it. And we watched a bunch of movies.

My brother kept looking at me and saying, "I keep forgetting that you have cancer and just had chemo!"

I forget too sometimes. And it isn't that I'm in denial, it is just that I'm not a victim of the cancer and I'm not sick, it is the chemo that makes me feel like hell!!


* all quotes are from: Close to the Bone by Jean Shinoda Bolen

what to write?

I'm not sure why I don't write as often. Maybe because I forget to, the way I forget almost everything these days. It is called "chemo brain". Maybe I wrote about it already?

I forget words. I loose thoughts. I get distracted on Facebook and forget that I need to send someone an email - oh, wait, that is just normal these days for everyone!

I met a guy a few weeks ago who understands what I am going through. He had a brain tumor straight out of left field, right as his career was taking off too. When he looked at me he immediately gave me a hug, coz he knew. He got it. He understood. (And he also loves raw food!)

He told me the story of how he was a block away from his house in New York and could not find his way home. He was so lost that he had to call a taxi to take him home.

"What they don't tell you is that the brain is made of plasticine and your memory will come back."

He gave me another hug and then said to me seriously, "Be easy on yourself. The best thing you can do is be easy on yourself."

It was at that moment I knew I can't keep working.

I want to be at births, but I can't be relied on. I did the final bit of letting go. I made sure all my doula clients had other doulas as their main doula and I found another midwife to share my 2009 clients with me.

I feel like I am being re-created.

I'd like to know into what I'm being created into, but it looks like I am on a need to know basis, and right now, I don't need to know.

Anyways, if I was told, I'd probably forget.

Letting Go

I can feel I am supposed to be letting go of something, but fuck me if I remember what exactly it is I am supposed to let go of!

Anger, Hate, Sadness, Disappointment, Shame, Guilt, Greed, Arrogance, Jealousy, Suffering, Expectations....am I missing anything?

I have done ritual after ritual... therapeutic emotional work... forgiveness ceremonies... and still I find myself grasping for something, since "the point" has no shown up and swimming in "nothingness" really is not on my top ten list.

They let me know about the side effect of the short term memory, but no one told me about the disconnect to the self that goes on to survive this utter physical, mental, emotional and spiritual hell chemo brings on.

And yes, I am doing well. Like a mom who has been given a tough labor, she does a good job navigating it, but that does not make it any less painful.


Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
-- Raymond Lindquist

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh

Stand up and walk out of your history.
-- Phil McGraw

The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there's gold in letting go of them.
-- John Seely Brown

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
-- Lao Tzu

Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.
-- Karen Casey