"What appears to be an ending, is perhaps a beginning." - anonymous
This is what I woke up to posted on the elevator at my parent's place. And it is very apprepo.
I am strangely excited. I feel so well supported. So loved, by so many.
I don't want to rush this place, or skip over any feelings, but what an opportunity I have to offer up all those old ways of being, my old beliefs to literally receive the new ways that I so so want to have in my life!
I'm being called into the pre-op room. I am told that I have to leave my valuables behind.... along with a lot of other things that I thought were valuable, but in actually, they really aren't....
I'll see everyone on the other side
Monday, January 5, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A new year, a new body.
I have slowly been giving myself space to grieve the inevitable loss of my breasts.
I have grown to like my breasts, a lot. And they have been so good to me. They are soft, and fill the hand just to overflowing. They are warm, gentle, pendulous and enjoy a really good bra. They have great cleavage and show off my womanly figure. Yeah, sometime I get frustrated with them when I can't fit into Japanese designer clothing, but they really know how to fill out a dress from the 1950's.
And I view them now as protectors of my body.
In the same way that sometimes it is the honor of a dog to protect the master by taking on a physical ailment, I feel like it is the honor of my breasts to take on all those places within myself where I have felt rage, angst, anger and disapointment. Where I have critisized, manipulated, persuaded and judged myself and others. Where I am too hard on myself and have unrealistic expectations of others. And the much too long long list of places where I have expanded too much energy and hurt myself.
I imagine the cancer as all those dark places within myself.
And I imagine that what has not been burned off by the chemo is now collecting in my breasts to be cut out of my body.
My breast have woken me up and asked me to learn how to take responsibility for my life's choices and shown me I am not a victim. My breasts have shown me that god has never, nor ever will, create abuse or forsake me. My breast have woken me up into a deeper layer of my own self where I have learned how to forgive myself and others. My breast have allowed me to have the experience of magic every where - even in the dark times - through the Red Carpet Cancer Treatment.
My breasts contain cancer and have gotta go.
And my breasts are willing to be sacrificed for the greater whole.
And I am willing to let my breasts go so that I may live.
And as much as I celebrate my breast, I mourn their passing.
I will never be able to feel the nipple firm up in disgust at the cold weather. I will never be able to experience the rush of oxytocin as a child drinks from my tit. I will never again feel them contract as a shiver runs up my spine and through my body to confirm an intuition. I will never again feel the pendulous weight of softness against my hands. I will never feel my lover's feathery touch on the fullness of my breasts.
And leaning over to make sure that the breast fills the cups of my bras at Barney's is going to be a brand new experience!
I will have scars where once the skin was smooth. I will have tattoos where once there were areolas. I will have fat where there was once a whole network for creating mother's milk.
While meditating at the Chopra Center in San Diego this past week, I am influenced by his Deepak Chopra's 4th Law of Spiritual Sucess:
During my meditations I have continued visions of my body with a grey, tired - no, exhausted - shadow of myself trying to leave my body and just rest in the arms of my new guide who refuses to leave my side. But, somehow I am recoiling back into the place where I am holding on.
He begs me to die. He holds out his arms and offers me rest, comfort, safety.
He is kindness and compassion. In his arms I feel warm and can relax. I trust him.
And I want to let that grey part of myself that thinks that it's job is to keep me safe,
that works so hard to keep me safe -
the part of me that plans and controls,
as it chases the illusion of happiness -
die off.
For I am too tired to continue with even the slightest bit of the old way.
I want a life of ease and simplicity.
To do less and accomplish more.
To be able to accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur.
For the last bit of chatter in my brain to shut the fuck up!
And I am willing to sacrifice my breasts and allow myself to die in order to move forward from a new place of ease.
And I take responsibility for creating the story of a double masectomy. And I forgive myself for creating this situation, that is difficult and just down right awful.
And that is where my sadness is.
With all the things that I can create, this is what I choose?
God, I hope I learn to choose ease and simplicity soon...
I have grown to like my breasts, a lot. And they have been so good to me. They are soft, and fill the hand just to overflowing. They are warm, gentle, pendulous and enjoy a really good bra. They have great cleavage and show off my womanly figure. Yeah, sometime I get frustrated with them when I can't fit into Japanese designer clothing, but they really know how to fill out a dress from the 1950's.
And I view them now as protectors of my body.
In the same way that sometimes it is the honor of a dog to protect the master by taking on a physical ailment, I feel like it is the honor of my breasts to take on all those places within myself where I have felt rage, angst, anger and disapointment. Where I have critisized, manipulated, persuaded and judged myself and others. Where I am too hard on myself and have unrealistic expectations of others. And the much too long long list of places where I have expanded too much energy and hurt myself.
I imagine the cancer as all those dark places within myself.
And I imagine that what has not been burned off by the chemo is now collecting in my breasts to be cut out of my body.
My breast have woken me up and asked me to learn how to take responsibility for my life's choices and shown me I am not a victim. My breasts have shown me that god has never, nor ever will, create abuse or forsake me. My breast have woken me up into a deeper layer of my own self where I have learned how to forgive myself and others. My breast have allowed me to have the experience of magic every where - even in the dark times - through the Red Carpet Cancer Treatment.
My breasts contain cancer and have gotta go.
And my breasts are willing to be sacrificed for the greater whole.
And I am willing to let my breasts go so that I may live.
And as much as I celebrate my breast, I mourn their passing.
I will never be able to feel the nipple firm up in disgust at the cold weather. I will never be able to experience the rush of oxytocin as a child drinks from my tit. I will never again feel them contract as a shiver runs up my spine and through my body to confirm an intuition. I will never again feel the pendulous weight of softness against my hands. I will never feel my lover's feathery touch on the fullness of my breasts.
And leaning over to make sure that the breast fills the cups of my bras at Barney's is going to be a brand new experience!
I will have scars where once the skin was smooth. I will have tattoos where once there were areolas. I will have fat where there was once a whole network for creating mother's milk.
While meditating at the Chopra Center in San Diego this past week, I am influenced by his Deepak Chopra's 4th Law of Spiritual Sucess:
4) The Law of Least Effort
This law is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love. When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires. In Vedic Science, the age-old philosophy of India, this principle is known as the principle of economy of effort, or "do less and accomplish more." Ultimately, you come to the state where you do nothing and accomplish everything. This means that there is just a faint idea, and then the manifestation of the idea comes about effortlessly. What is commonly called a "miracle" is actually an expression of the Law of Least Effort. Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates--and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth. There are three components to the Law of Least Effort--three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. The first component is acceptance. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. The second component is responsibility. This means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. This allows you the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. The third component to the Law of Least Effort is defenselessness. This means that you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. If you relinquish this need you will in that relinquishment gain access to enormous amounts of energy that have been previously wasted.
This law is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love. When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires. In Vedic Science, the age-old philosophy of India, this principle is known as the principle of economy of effort, or "do less and accomplish more." Ultimately, you come to the state where you do nothing and accomplish everything. This means that there is just a faint idea, and then the manifestation of the idea comes about effortlessly. What is commonly called a "miracle" is actually an expression of the Law of Least Effort. Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates--and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth. There are three components to the Law of Least Effort--three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. The first component is acceptance. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. The second component is responsibility. This means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. This allows you the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. The third component to the Law of Least Effort is defenselessness. This means that you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. If you relinquish this need you will in that relinquishment gain access to enormous amounts of energy that have been previously wasted.
During my meditations I have continued visions of my body with a grey, tired - no, exhausted - shadow of myself trying to leave my body and just rest in the arms of my new guide who refuses to leave my side. But, somehow I am recoiling back into the place where I am holding on.
He begs me to die. He holds out his arms and offers me rest, comfort, safety.
He is kindness and compassion. In his arms I feel warm and can relax. I trust him.
And I want to let that grey part of myself that thinks that it's job is to keep me safe,
that works so hard to keep me safe -
the part of me that plans and controls,
as it chases the illusion of happiness -
die off.
For I am too tired to continue with even the slightest bit of the old way.
I want a life of ease and simplicity.
To do less and accomplish more.
To be able to accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur.
For the last bit of chatter in my brain to shut the fuck up!
And I am willing to sacrifice my breasts and allow myself to die in order to move forward from a new place of ease.
And I take responsibility for creating the story of a double masectomy. And I forgive myself for creating this situation, that is difficult and just down right awful.
And that is where my sadness is.
With all the things that I can create, this is what I choose?
God, I hope I learn to choose ease and simplicity soon...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The Big Picture "Cure"
Here is the overall plan:
I'm doing the general Breast Cancer Trifecta: Aggressive Chemo, Double Masectomy and Radiation.
Then, specific to my cancer, I am having a year of Herceptin plus some other meds for being estrogen and progesterone sensitive.
I am choosing to do all this because I want the coffin door closed and nailed shut. I really do not want to have to do any of this again....
What that means is on January 5th I go in for my double masectomy (the breast are coming off as well as a few lymph nodes in my left arm) followed immediately by the reconstructive surgery. Doing reconstructive surgery right after the masectomy has better aesthetics results AND I only have to going to the hospital once for major surgery. (oh, and for all of you people out there who have read the New York Times article, I am being gifted the new, longer DIEP surgery that most doctors do not offer because it is too time consuming. Once again, I am getting the Red Carpet Cancer Treatment! I'm getting the best and newest surgery for free!)
2 weeks after the surgery I start a years worth of another drug: Herceptin. Because I am positive for a protein called Her2, the good news is that taking a drug called Herceptine for a year, infused through my port every 3 weeks keeps the cancer from growing. The bad news is that I have to go into the infusion center every 3 weeks for Herceptin. It is painless, there are no extream side effects like the chemo, but I am still a sensative being, and it is still drugs in my body - and it means my travel time is being limited to the time in between treatments :(. No big long roadtrips for me this year...
I start radiation at the end of January and have 10 minutes of it 5 days a week for 6 weeks. The fear is that my new left breast will get all leathery and burnt up from the radiation. Because I am not having implants (thanks to the new kind of reconstructive surgery), there is a minimal risk that will happen. I've also been given a bunch of creams from other women who have gone before me, and I hope to god they work! Coz having reconstructive surgery again would suck big time!
Then I have about 5ish years - maybe more - of some other drugs because I am estrogen and progesterone sensitive. Again, these drugs help the cancer not grow. And the length of the the drugs will depend on whether I get my monthly cycles back or stay menopausal.
Basically, I spent the first 40 years of my life not needing medical care, and now it seems as though I will spend the next 40ish years going to the doctor and taking drugs.
I'm letting myself be present with the idea that my new way of being includes lots of doctor care. I am slowly integrate this new information.
I am not resistant to the process of drugs, doctors or hospitals. In fact I'm grateful they are around both personally and professionally. I'm just tired and find the whole thing a terrible inconvenience to my life! I want to go back to perceived freedom I had when my body didn't have the cancer diagnosis!
And I'm sad.
And I don't understand how this is going to work long term.
I don't like the fact that I get colds now.
And I will never go back to where I was physically before the diagnosis, in the same way that I am not the same person I was before the diagnosis.
And still, I feel the resistance to the fact that this IS my life. This IS who I am now.
Not better. Not worse. Just different.
I'm not angry, just miffed.
And then - thanks to the chemo - I forget it all.
And then I remember my favorite Rilke Poem:
 |
| Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart |
| rainer maria rilke |
Sigh
I check in with my intuition, I collect my trust, I ground down into my choices, I touch my breasts, and I know I love myself even in this confusing place of not knowing.
And then I saddle up and move forward into my day as a good looking bald chick whose jonzing for a really good cup of coffee, right now.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I Guess I have changed
I took care of Pearl and Gus for a few days this week.
As I drove them home on Sunday night I was grooving to the radio and belting out Chaka Kahn's "Ain't Nobody".
"Ain't nobody loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody loves me better than you"
A bit later, Pearl turned to me and said in a very matter of fact way, "You've changed Ezbeth."
"What do you mean, Pearl? I always sing at the top of my lungs with you guys in the car."
"No, since the cancer, you've change."
"Is that a good or bad thing?"
"Ummm. I don't know. It is just that you have changed since the cancer."
I think she nailed it. I have changed.
It isn't anything that I can pinpoint either, but I do know I can feel it on the inside, and so can she. And when a 10 year old randomly says these things out of thin air, you know it has to be true!
BTW, you can thank me later for not being able to get Ain't Nobody out of your head!
As I drove them home on Sunday night I was grooving to the radio and belting out Chaka Kahn's "Ain't Nobody".
"Ain't nobody loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody loves me better than you"
A bit later, Pearl turned to me and said in a very matter of fact way, "You've changed Ezbeth."
"What do you mean, Pearl? I always sing at the top of my lungs with you guys in the car."
"No, since the cancer, you've change."
"Is that a good or bad thing?"
"Ummm. I don't know. It is just that you have changed since the cancer."
I think she nailed it. I have changed.
It isn't anything that I can pinpoint either, but I do know I can feel it on the inside, and so can she. And when a 10 year old randomly says these things out of thin air, you know it has to be true!
BTW, you can thank me later for not being able to get Ain't Nobody out of your head!
Friday, December 12, 2008
I feel like a science experitment
Of course it figures that as soon as I am done with the chemo, I finally figure it out! (relatively speaking that is!)
The fasting for 2 days before had to be the best idea ever. The fact that I felt so good and had cooked food for lunch on Thursday had to be the worst idea ever. But I have to admit, I so look forward to a good retching! It feels fantastic to get it all O.U.T.! (BTW, that is me in my favorite chemo t-shirt!)
In my body, cooked food (acidic forming foods) and chemo do not mix! When I stick to the raw foods (the alkeline foods) I do much better with the nausea.
I think I have become a low grade nausea expert.
Low grade nausea WITH fluids collecting in the mouth- vomit to feel better
Low grade nausea WithOUT saliva in the mouth - means hunger - eat an apple to feel better.
I had two rounds of IV fluids this time, so I am not concerned about dehydration.
I also had two Lymphatic drainage massages and I think that helped to move the toxins out too. And, who doesn't love the touch of healing hands!
The thing that gets me now is that god damn shot (Neulasta) the day after to kick up my white blood cells. I can't believe how awful it makes me feel. My bones still aches, I have that 'run over by a truck' feeling and of course, I'm now doing the 'Old Man from Florida' shuffle.
I have yet to take any other medications for nausea or vomitting. And I am not trying to be a hero here, but I'm not suffering. Yeah, my body hurts when I move about the cabin, but I have no where to go. So feeling my body, feeling how human I am and being present with the small amount of pain (that is not random, but has a source) is not a problem for me.
Last night Ana Paula had some friends over for dinner. I got to chatting with one of the gals and she asked me, "Aren't you scared?"
I looked at her and replied honestly, "No." Because in that moment there was no fear - remembered or projected.
I'm not sure if it is my melted brain or a gift of spiritual presence, but even when I am scared it does not stick.
I'm amazed at how I am effortlessly living from one moment to the next, being present with my feelings that no longer define who I am or what actions I take.
I want so much to hold onto this way of being in the world! I want this new way of presence to stay with me as I continue on in my life.
And in this moment I am scared that I will loose that gift of present mind.
And then I cry.
And breathe.
And sigh.
And stare into space for a moment...
I find my midline and I settle into the next moment.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Round 6 is non eventful
I have new side effects of the chmo this time. My face is more swollen (thanks steroids!) and some swelling in my legs (yet another joy of pregnancy I get to experience). Canckles really are not fun. Because there was a bit more in my left than right leg, Dr. G wanted to do an ultra sound to rule out blood clots. Nothing there.
That's me in my winter Kangol (they make the best hats for us chemo chicks. Why don't people realize that bald chicks look awful in baseball caps??)
Luckily I was still able to squeeze in my before-chemo manicure - but just barely!
I am trying something new with my body this round. There are studies done on mice that say they fare better with the chemo when they are fasted for 48 hours. The idea is that when we go into 'starvation' mode, the healthy cells put up protection and the cancer cells do not have the ability. So, the healthy cells stay away from the side effects of the chemo and the cancer cells become more vulnerable and irradiated.
I've cleansed and fasted for years, so this was nothing new for me and made sense in my body. And to be honest, my body is not craving food. So, I listened, I stayed hydrated and had green drinks and told Dr. G - who is getting used to me by now.
In fact Dr. G congratulated me (and even hugged me!) and said how well I am doing for someone who refuses side effect meds as well as having great reactions to the chemo.
That being said, when Sufi and I arrived at 10pm at the infusion center, I checked in with my body and new that I needed Attivan. So I took that along with the two usual pre-meds: an antacid/nausea liquid and steroids.
Today things are going well. I had another nurse friend come over to give me an IV of fluids followed by another apple and some pasta. Then I went to have a lymphatic drainage massage, and came home craving raw meet, raw cream and young coconut water.
I'm not feeling nausea, but then again, to day is the day before the day after.... I'll let you know tomorrow!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
getting ready for my last round
My last round of chemo and I am going through a whole range of emotions... one minute sadness... joy the next... and everything in between.The sadness is the emotion that confuses me the most.
I am SO excited that I am going to be done with chemo. And if you are a reader of my blog you know that I'm done with abusing my body and the toxins.
In the same way that I hold space for families to give birth, I have been holding space for a battle to be fought in my body between the chemo and the cancer. And in the same way that I cry to my friends after a traumatic birth, I feel as though my whole body will be able to finally let go and cry and release when I no longer have to hold space for the traumatic abuse to my body.
And as I settle into the sadness I can feel deeper into it.
There is a fear inside that the chemo will not kill every last one of those fuckin' cancer cells in my body. There is a fear that if I go off the chemo then cancer will grow again. In a sick and twisted way I'm almost addicted to the chemo as a gaurentee that the cancer is no longer growing in my body!
I'm giving the chemo a lot of power, and it is time to take it back! The chemo is not preventing the cancer from returning... I AM am going to be part of that choice! And chemo and trust in Dr. G was my choice. I chose Chemo to fight the battle because I did not want too. I chose the fire to burn through me and singe all that I no longer need. I choose abuse in order to have lessons in how it feels to consciously be the abuser and abused at the same time.
And I choose to thank chemo for all it has taught me to date!
I am a completely different person both physically and spiritually from when I first sat down to write.
There is not much more that can be stripped away from me.
How I used to define who I am no longer exists - I have let go of my clients/work, shed my hair, released my perfectionist, melted my memory, embraced the freedom of not having my own child, detached from excitement, no longer react emotionally, drifted off into nothingness....
I'm no longer scared of nothingness.
It is just me, myself and I as I approach my last round of chemo and get ready for my surgery...
I feel more naked and vulnerable than I ever have, yet at the same time I feel a quiet peace that I have everything I need to walk into this round with God's Grace.
And I am ready to see what mystery lies within this round.
I can feel tears, again. That's a good thing.
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