A second opinion spirals me downward

A friend in the community checked out a lot of doctors when she had breast cancer and worked with an oncologist in Santa Monica who was the only one to offer her a different treatment that resonated with her. He really seemed to know his stuff. So, I felt that if anyone was gonna be able to dis-agree with the treatment I was getting, it would be him.

He gave me the thumbs up and concurred with the TAC protocol. And during our very informative, long meeting, I got the 'overall' picture for the first time. He explained that some oncologist work with what is immediatly in front of me, and others do 'overall' picture. I thought that I was looking at a kinda 6-9 month window. He tells me I will be on drugs for at least 5 years because I am ER/PR positive. How the chemo might really kills my eggs and shut down my cycles for good. And I left thinking that it would be better for my long term health to go into early menopause and not continue to cycle.

I left there sombered and grateful for the overall picture and detailed information - as well as having a confirmation that I had chosen the right Oncologist to begin with.

In this sad state I started calling friends for support as the soft tears started coming down. I am being called to look directly into the gate of never birthing a child of my own not because of the cancer, but because of the chemo.

And I started to research the alternatives. There is the "oleander pill" that kills all the cancer. There is the intense 30 day cleanse that includes an cold sheet bath once a week that claims "There are No Incurable Diseases". There is a place in Mexico I could go. A retreat in San Diego.. the list was endless and I was trying to escape my pain of loosing my choice.

I floundered around, I called my peeps, I cried, I got angry, I stared into space for a long while.

I was back in that "What's the point" place. Really, what is the point to go through all this? I come out the other end, and what? I end up with permanent neuropathy from the chemo and can't catch babies? I loose the choice to birth my own child and never get to experience the wonders of pregnancy and childbirth, which is so very close to my heart and soul? I least I thought is was close to my soul. Maybe it is closer to my ego than my soul.

When I dive deep, I can go really dark. And I have years of navigating these dark places in myself, and I'm still here, so I know I am not going anywhere, but the dark times are not a joy. But I don't go it alone. I have great friends and family.

And as I sat in this place, I could start to feel for the first time the true difference within myself of what everyone calls "The Ego". If I was really honest with myself, it is The Ego, the "I" that wants the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. Who am I fooling, "I" don't want a child. Not now. Not in this moment. I can barely take care of Molly, my much too clever for her own good, wild child, cocker spaniel whose curiousity might get her killed! What would I do pregnant with a kid?? And single? And were would the kid sleep in the 10' by 12' room?? How could I be a single mom, midwife and writer when my flat doesn't even have a proper kitchen? drama. drama. drama. drama.

Look at Oprah? and what about Jesus? The both seem pretty content without kids.

I know in my gut that this choice is a soul choice. I can stop the chemo and go alternative right now and save my eggs (I'm pretty sure I just ovulated again). And the alternative ways may or may not kill the cancer. Either way, I will still have to deal with this boulder in the road further on down the line. The choice to birth my own child or not is being asked of my soul and is not going to be determined by chemo. My choice is that I can face this issue head on now or deal with it later. Either way the letting going of birthing a child of my own will still be there.

I feel like I am staring once again directly into The Queen of Death. She is asking me to embrace her as I let go more of my self, as I make more space for my Self.

I hear the words of my wise business partner, Ana Paula, circle through my head, "Elizabeth, I don't believe God does anything half way. God DEFINATELY has a plan for you, and you will be shown. Maybe not now, but you will be shown."

I talk a salt bath and I sit quietly. I start to meditate. I listen. I journey with my spirit guides all around me. They are all joyful and celebrating. They take me up, up, up into a large library. I know from my spiritual studies that I am in the Akashic Records. We fly through the shelves until we stop at a large, grand book. It is my book, the book of my life, and they open it up to the present question. The book opens to the page and is turned around to be shown to me and I eagerly look for the answer of what I am to do. I look and this page, along with all the rest of the pages, they are blank.

"Great!" I gripe at them, "What am I gonna do with this? I can't even read it!"

"It doesn't matter. It is the essence that matters. Everything is already done. It doesn't matter what you choose, it is just a matter of how you get there. It is already done. "

I come back into my body, into the warm water of my bath, and I know without a doubt, that my way forward forward is the chemo. And I give myself the space to mourn the loss of an idea that I can smell, touch and taste so that I can embrace my reality that is unfolding in front of me.