Uuuuugggghhhhh

I feel like stomping my feet and have a proper 3 year old temper tantrum.

Today is a day dedicated to cancer and Cedars Siani Hospital. 10:30am Bloodwork, 11:00am Dr. G, 12:30pm Herceptin Infusion, 2:30pm Interview my Radiologist, 4:00pm Manicure (yes, the manicure is a very important part of the cancer day). My Physical Therapist want to see me at 5:00pm, but I say "No", because I know I will have nothing left to give by this evening.

I woke up this morning full of piss and vinegar. I could feel things brewing inside of me.

It is 8:30am, so I call Anna W.

Before she has a chance to state the pleasantries, I jump right in, "Anna, I'm scared."

I don't know what I am scared of, I just know what I am feeling.

"And I'm angry because I don't know what I am scared of".

I start to unravel the feelings with Anna as my witness. What starts to come up is my frustration that I am moving forward with the radiation & herceptin, but I don't want to. Yet, I can't find a reason why not to.

I'm scared of the radiation causing lymphadema (it increases the risks once one has had the axillary disection). I'm scared because I can't say no to having the burning toxins of radiation put into my body - even thought there is no cancer in my lymphs and my breasts are gone. I'm scared of the extra scar tissue and hardening of my skin that radiation creates. I'm scared because I think I don't have the strength to say "no", because the whole idea of even doing these therapies is based on a fear of cancer, and a fear of dieing. And I know I am not going to die now, but I'm scared that if I say "no" to the continued treatments at Cedars then the cancer will come back.

I'm scared because I'm witnessing that I have fear. Fear that the cancer will come back if I don't do the time consuming radiation, herceptin and hormonal therapies!

Now I find I'm angry coz I think I'm buying into a "fear" mentality. And I am judging myself for that.

So I chew on my favorite quote: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon

And I start to realize that fear is part of life. It does not go away, no matter how much one meditates, no matter what one studies spiritually - and sometimes it is a good thing (I have a huge fear of cliff diving, and I feel that fear keeps me safe). But, how we approach fear can change.

"Anna, I'm not afraid of dieing. To be quite honest, it just might be a lovely vacation from all of this. And I'm not afraid of living. I know I have courage to move forward. What brings me to tears is the thought of not being alive while living! The idea of going into cedars everyday for 6 weeks for radiation... the idea that I have a year of herceptin and I can't do a proper cleansing of the toxins in my body because of herceptin's half life... the thought that I'm going to have to fly now with a compression sleeve... "

I'm starting to see that the source of these fears: I have some kind of belief that all of these daily/weekly appointments will limit my freedom...and that limitation scares me.

UUUUUUUgggggggghhhhhhhhh

stomp stomp stomp

breath.

one more breath.

This is crazy.

I don't drive my car without an insurance policy - not because I am afraid of getting into an accident, but because I can relax that it is one less thing that I have to track, create, manifest, control.... The car insurance give me a bit of freedom to not worry about driving. The car insurance supports me.

And it is the same with all these additional western therapies. They are my insurance policy for never ever having to go through this again. The radiation and herceptin actually create more support and freedom within my body.

It is so ironic. I spend years studying alternative therapies, and ways of being, and yet my way through this is with the toxic way. For some reason, that seems the most supportive way to me.

And I have the courage to rise above my perceived lack of freedom and move forward - kicking and screaming - but I still, I move forward with the radiation and drugs.