It is not all about the cancer

As I mentioned earlier in this blog, my professional life was finally on a role and I was hitting my stride when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have been doing a lot of speaking within my peers and teaching classes, and before the diagnosis I booked my first formal, paid lecture with The Childbirth Education Association of Orange County. The theme was how nurses, midwives and doulas could work better together at the hospital, and I was representing the doulas.

And being the willfull person that I am, I SO wanted to be there to speak about the passions so close to my heart. The issue was that the saturday of the conference was the saturday after round 3 of chemo.

And this is the thing about chemo: when it is bad, it is really bad for me, as in 'married to the bed and don't ask me to move' bad. And when it is 'good' I can now navigate this place with gentleness, grace, trust and walking slow. But what is always and 'unknown' is how long it will take to get from 'bad' to 'good' after chemo.

So yet another place of surrender and trust for moi.

First I got really angry at God.

How the fuck can you call me into midwifery, ask me to sacrifice all of my beliefs,
and time
and potential monies
and just when I opened my heart to my calling
and get to share it with others
you pull the rug out from under me
and diagnose me with breast cancer
and then I get my first formal speaking engagement
and then it happens to be right after chemo...

blah blah blah... I won't bore you with my small violin.

After I got the anger out, then I got sad that I am not the same person I was before the chemo started.

And then I mourned the idea that I had for my life this fall, the fantasy that I had for how my life was supposed to look like.

And then I made a plan and surrendered.

I switched my chemo day to tuesday, because my pattern seems to be a good day after the chemo, then 2 bad days, then on the other side. I wanted the 'otherside' day to be saturday.

I changed my power point presentation to a talk, as the chemo makes my brain forget important information. Even though I knew it might look funny reading verbatium off of a piece of paper, I wanted to make sure I was coherent and hit all the points I was passionate about.

On Friday, when I was feeling like shit, and throwing up acid at 9pm, and realizing I could not plot, plan, manipulate or figure out a way to make sure I was healthy enough to speak on Saturday, I went back to the only truth that I know: trust.

And every time I checked in (even while I was loving up on the toilet bowl) I heard: yes, you will be over the chemo hump and be able to speak.

For some reason I woke up Saturday morning on the other side of the chemo and able to move, speak, and allow of outside stimulation. Carol, a sister doula, drove me down to Orange County and back (and coincidently, it worked out perfectly for what she had planned for the day too!).

I am so proud of my body, so grateful of the support that I have and so thankful to spirit for the perfect timing that continues to let me know I am on the right path.

It was so nice to spend the afternoon not being 'chemo girl' but being 'a doula who has lots of wisdom to share with others'

I am being shown that having cancer/chemo may have limitations, but it does not mean that my life has to stop nor does it define who I am. Yes, I can take care of myself. Yes, my body can heal. And yes, I can still share my passion in a public venue.

I am able to do both at the same time
because:
I'm not sick, I just have cancer!

Insult to Injury

Now I get why everyone says, "be strong". There is something that happens in the breaking down/beating up process of chemo that makes me not want to help myself.

For example, for the past 2 rounds I have been really diligent on eating a raw diet with lots of yogurt, Kombucha and Bee Pollen to make sure I do not contribute to the acid in my stomache - (raw foods neutralize/alkaline the body). Processed or cook food makes a body acidic, which is not helpful when there is acid there from toxins. (also the Kombucha and Bee Pollen has Vit B's which are said to be good for the acid too).

But for some strange reason that normal voice of strength became a faint echo in my head.

In the past, I craved apples. This time I was almost too apathetic to care - apples, soup, toast... who cared? Well, my belly did.

Within half and hour of eating cooked food, I'd lie in bed feeling the pain of the acid accumulating in my stomache with me trying to decide if the food would stay down or come out. Sometimes I took a drug to avoid the question, other times it came out and I felt MUCH better.

Finally, last night at 10pm, after realizing that getting a perscription for medications was not going to happen until the morning, I went back to listening to very loud yet distant voice inside.

One Kombucha drink and peeled apple later.... I was fine! So fine, that I just stuck to raw foods all night and today... papaya, apples, tea.. and felt so much better that I had a small piece of a home made croissant...BAD idea!! I can feel the acid playing up again. Not so bad that I'm gonna vomit, but bad enough to remind me I need to be strong and exercize my healthy eating muscle if I want to get through this without acid in my throat.

It is amazing to me how well and how loud the body is at communicating.

Oh, and now that I am feeling better and able to socialize and talk and eat.... my body feels like it has been run over by a mac truck (bone pain from the white blood cells remaking themselves), the tongue is back with it's groydee coyotee thick yellow/brown toxic coat that tastes nasty, my nose and skin feel like it is drying up (I literally felt it shrivel when I took the Marinol) and I'm having more neuropathy.

Oh Joy. Can't a chemo patient get a break?

Round 3 is almost over

Fuck, this is getting boring and old, and there is nothing I can do about it.

This round is the hardest one so far. I'm not any more physically nauseated than usual. I still have an appetite. I stare at the ceiling and walls and drift in and out. I'm in a home that I love being in. I'm enjoying the whole 3rd season of Weeds. I am getting lots of support.

And I can feel myself fighting to remain in control.

I can feel myself holding on.

Let me just lay out the facts: I hate not being able to control this. I don't like the low grade nausea. I don't like the dry heaves. I don't like the fact that I Feel like I am very hung over (and have not done any drinking.)

In fact, one of the reasons I stopped the big party/drinking that I did in my 20's is coz I didn't like this feeling the day after - or even the day after the day after.

The acid in my stomach is making me vomit this time... before I vomit I lie in bed trying not to vomit....I take a pill to not vomit, then I vomit from the water I took the pill with... when I vomit I feel better.... who'd a thought?

I wish I could find a way to escape this, to avoid this, to not be in my body. Yet I know, that feeling this rawness, this vulnerability, the phyiscal uncomfortableness is part of the journey.

Oh, and by the way, for all y'all who get excited about the part that I can now get legally stoned to help with the chemo, I want you to know:

Altering one's consciousness because you are wanting to: have a great time, open up more, laugh more, feel a great movie, delve deeper into a really excellent birthday cake, loose yourself in a day of arts and crafts : Fun.

Getting high legally because you need to treat side effects of chemo: NOT fun.

Did I sign some kind of Karmic agreement that said I had to do things the hard way this lifetime? If so, I'm over it. I'm ready for things to be easy. I'm ready for things to flow. I want to find a simple way.

In the words of my nephew William, "Me no likey".

Round 3 of Chemo

Eck. I'm not feeling poetic or particularlly in the mood to write.

I switched my chemo to Tuesday night because I have an engagement on Saturday I really want to attend. I'm hoping, I'm even praying that I'm back in my body by then.

I've had a long, fulfilling day craming in all I can while I feel good before I go down for the count, again. (sigh). God, it was such a great day, and now I have to go back down to the gates of hell and give up yet another belief, let go of yet another piece I am holding onto while I navigate hell for 2 days. This is SO not fair. (bitch moan bitch moan bitch moan).

Chemo is at 11pm. It is kinda nice that there is nobody at cedars. Sufi is with me (of course). We go to a private room to sleep. That is a picture of Sufi sleeping next to me.

We don't do the hawks this time. This time we do blue orbs with a message for my soul.

This round has a lot of apathy around it. Blue orbs. Smoo orbs. Chemo. Sleep. Who cares. Who the hell cares.

I certainly don't in this moment.

Rockin' my Hoopdies and my Kangol

Here we are. The day before chemo... again. I have taken the day off, as I started to feel signs of neuropathy. A heaviness in my arms with some muscular tentany. A slight tingling in my hands. It moves throughout my body. It comes and goes.

I taught class all weekend and was backing up AP for a birth. My nervous system is fried. I can really appreciate how much I 'do', when all I am doing is 'holding space'. Even when I am not with a client, I am still tracking a client and it puts a toll on my physical body I had no idea it was this direct and obvious.

Now that I have trippled up on the L-Glutamine and gotten lots of sleep, the signs and symtoms or neuropathy are not present. I'm lovin' how my body speaks to me.

It is 11:30am and I need some breaky. I put on my Kangol and Hoopdies and head out the door with my computer to write and eat.

I go to my new favorite breakfast hangout and realize no body there knows I have cancer. In stead of playing 'cancer girl' I play the role of 'cool writer chick in los feliz'.

I actually feel more like me today without the hair than I have the past 30 something years. I love that the edginess within me is finally on the outside. It is so freeing!! It feels so real. So right!

I think I found my 'look'. Now, if I could only get my hands on some big ass, gold bamboo, ghetto fabulous earings that say "Trust" across them the transformation will be complete!!