I have grown to like my breasts, a lot. And they have been so good to me. They are soft, and fill the hand just to overflowing. They are warm, gentle, pendulous and enjoy a really good bra. They have great cleavage and show off my womanly figure. Yeah, sometime I get frustrated with them when I can't fit into Japanese designer clothing, but they really know how to fill out a dress from the 1950's.
And I view them now as protectors of my body.
In the same way that sometimes it is the honor of a dog to protect the master by taking on a physical ailment, I feel like it is the honor of my breasts to take on all those places within myself where I have felt rage, angst, anger and disapointment. Where I have critisized, manipulated, persuaded and judged myself and others. Where I am too hard on myself and have unrealistic expectations of others. And the much too long long list of places where I have expanded too much energy and hurt myself.
I imagine the cancer as all those dark places within myself.
And I imagine that what has not been burned off by the chemo is now collecting in my breasts to be cut out of my body.
My breast have woken me up and asked me to learn how to take responsibility for my life's choices and shown me I am not a victim. My breasts have shown me that god has never, nor ever will, create abuse or forsake me. My breast have woken me up into a deeper layer of my own self where I have learned how to forgive myself and others. My breast have allowed me to have the experience of magic every where - even in the dark times - through the Red Carpet Cancer Treatment.
My breasts contain cancer and have gotta go.
And my breasts are willing to be sacrificed for the greater whole.
And I am willing to let my breasts go so that I may live.
And as much as I celebrate my breast, I mourn their passing.
I will never be able to feel the nipple firm up in disgust at the cold weather. I will never be able to experience the rush of oxytocin as a child drinks from my tit. I will never again feel them contract as a shiver runs up my spine and through my body to confirm an intuition. I will never again feel the pendulous weight of softness against my hands. I will never feel my lover's feathery touch on the fullness of my breasts.
And leaning over to make sure that the breast fills the cups of my bras at Barney's is going to be a brand new experience!
I will have scars where once the skin was smooth. I will have tattoos where once there were areolas. I will have fat where there was once a whole network for creating mother's milk.
While meditating at the Chopra Center in San Diego this past week, I am influenced by his Deepak Chopra's 4th Law of Spiritual Sucess:
4) The Law of Least Effort
This law is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love. When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires. In Vedic Science, the age-old philosophy of India, this principle is known as the principle of economy of effort, or "do less and accomplish more." Ultimately, you come to the state where you do nothing and accomplish everything. This means that there is just a faint idea, and then the manifestation of the idea comes about effortlessly. What is commonly called a "miracle" is actually an expression of the Law of Least Effort. Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates--and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth. There are three components to the Law of Least Effort--three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. The first component is acceptance. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. The second component is responsibility. This means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. This allows you the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. The third component to the Law of Least Effort is defenselessness. This means that you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. If you relinquish this need you will in that relinquishment gain access to enormous amounts of energy that have been previously wasted.
This law is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love. When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires. In Vedic Science, the age-old philosophy of India, this principle is known as the principle of economy of effort, or "do less and accomplish more." Ultimately, you come to the state where you do nothing and accomplish everything. This means that there is just a faint idea, and then the manifestation of the idea comes about effortlessly. What is commonly called a "miracle" is actually an expression of the Law of Least Effort. Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates--and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth. There are three components to the Law of Least Effort--three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. The first component is acceptance. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. The second component is responsibility. This means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. This allows you the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. The third component to the Law of Least Effort is defenselessness. This means that you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. If you relinquish this need you will in that relinquishment gain access to enormous amounts of energy that have been previously wasted.
During my meditations I have continued visions of my body with a grey, tired - no, exhausted - shadow of myself trying to leave my body and just rest in the arms of my new guide who refuses to leave my side. But, somehow I am recoiling back into the place where I am holding on.
He begs me to die. He holds out his arms and offers me rest, comfort, safety.
He is kindness and compassion. In his arms I feel warm and can relax. I trust him.
And I want to let that grey part of myself that thinks that it's job is to keep me safe,
that works so hard to keep me safe -
the part of me that plans and controls,
as it chases the illusion of happiness -
die off.
For I am too tired to continue with even the slightest bit of the old way.
I want a life of ease and simplicity.
To do less and accomplish more.
To be able to accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur.
For the last bit of chatter in my brain to shut the fuck up!
And I am willing to sacrifice my breasts and allow myself to die in order to move forward from a new place of ease.
And I take responsibility for creating the story of a double masectomy. And I forgive myself for creating this situation, that is difficult and just down right awful.
And that is where my sadness is.
With all the things that I can create, this is what I choose?
God, I hope I learn to choose ease and simplicity soon...
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