The Big Picture "Cure"

Here is the overall plan:

I'm doing the general Breast Cancer Trifecta: Aggressive Chemo, Double Masectomy and Radiation.

Then, specific to my cancer, I am having a year of Herceptin plus some other meds for being estrogen and progesterone sensitive.

I am choosing to do all this because I want the coffin door closed and nailed shut. I really do not want to have to do any of this again....

What that means is on January 5th I go in for my double masectomy (the breast are coming off as well as a few lymph nodes in my left arm) followed immediately by the reconstructive surgery. Doing reconstructive surgery right after the masectomy has better aesthetics results AND I only have to going to the hospital once for major surgery. (oh, and for all of you people out there who have read the New York Times article, I am being gifted the new, longer DIEP surgery that most doctors do not offer because it is too time consuming. Once again, I am getting the Red Carpet Cancer Treatment! I'm getting the best and newest surgery for free!)

2 weeks after the surgery I start a years worth of another drug: Herceptin. Because I am positive for a protein called Her2, the good news is that taking a drug called Herceptine for a year, infused through my port every 3 weeks keeps the cancer from growing. The bad news is that I have to go into the infusion center every 3 weeks for Herceptin. It is painless, there are no extream side effects like the chemo, but I am still a sensative being, and it is still drugs in my body - and it means my travel time is being limited to the time in between treatments :(. No big long roadtrips for me this year...

I start radiation at the end of January and have 10 minutes of it 5 days a week for 6 weeks. The fear is that my new left breast will get all leathery and burnt up from the radiation. Because I am not having implants (thanks to the new kind of reconstructive surgery), there is a minimal risk that will happen. I've also been given a bunch of creams from other women who have gone before me, and I hope to god they work! Coz having reconstructive surgery again would suck big time!

Then I have about 5ish years - maybe more - of some other drugs because I am estrogen and progesterone sensitive. Again, these drugs help the cancer not grow. And the length of the the drugs will depend on whether I get my monthly cycles back or stay menopausal.

Basically, I spent the first 40 years of my life not needing medical care, and now it seems as though I will spend the next 40ish years going to the doctor and taking drugs.

I'm letting myself be present with the idea that my new way of being includes lots of doctor care. I am slowly integrate this new information.

I am not resistant to the process of drugs, doctors or hospitals. In fact I'm grateful they are around both personally and professionally. I'm just tired and find the whole thing a terrible inconvenience to my life! I want to go back to perceived freedom I had when my body didn't have the cancer diagnosis!

And I'm sad.

And I don't understand how this is going to work long term.

I don't like the fact that I get colds now.

And I will never go back to where I was physically before the diagnosis, in the same way that I am not the same person I was before the diagnosis.

And still, I feel the resistance to the fact that this IS my life. This IS who I am now.

Not better. Not worse. Just different.

I'm not angry, just miffed.

And then - thanks to the chemo - I forget it all.

And then I remember my favorite Rilke Poem:

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

rainer maria rilke

Sigh

I check in with my intuition, I collect my trust, I ground down into my choices, I touch my breasts, and I know I love myself even in this confusing place of not knowing.

And then I saddle up and move forward into my day as a good looking bald chick whose jonzing for a really good cup of coffee, right now.

I Guess I have changed

I took care of Pearl and Gus for a few days this week.

As I drove them home on Sunday night I was grooving to the radio and belting out Chaka Kahn's "Ain't Nobody".

"Ain't nobody loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody loves me better than you"


A bit later, Pearl turned to me and said in a very matter of fact way, "You've changed Ezbeth."

"What do you mean, Pearl? I always sing at the top of my lungs with you guys in the car."

"No, since the cancer, you've change."

"Is that a good or bad thing?"

"Ummm. I don't know. It is just that you have changed since the cancer."

I think she nailed it. I have changed.

It isn't anything that I can pinpoint either, but I do know I can feel it on the inside, and so can she. And when a 10 year old randomly says these things out of thin air, you know it has to be true!

BTW, you can thank me later for not being able to get Ain't Nobody out of your head!

I feel like a science experitment

Of course it figures that as soon as I am done with the chemo, I finally figure it out! (relatively speaking that is!)

The fasting for 2 days before had to be the best idea ever. The fact that I felt so good and had cooked food for lunch on Thursday had to be the worst idea ever. But I have to admit, I so look forward to a good retching! It feels fantastic to get it all O.U.T.! (BTW, that is me in my favorite chemo t-shirt!)

In my body, cooked food (acidic forming foods) and chemo do not mix! When I stick to the raw foods (the alkeline foods) I do much better with the nausea.

I think I have become a low grade nausea expert.

Low grade nausea WITH fluids collecting in the mouth- vomit to feel better
Low grade nausea WithOUT saliva in the mouth - means hunger - eat an apple to feel better.

I had two rounds of IV fluids this time, so I am not concerned about dehydration.

I also had two Lymphatic drainage massages and I think that helped to move the toxins out too. And, who doesn't love the touch of healing hands!

The thing that gets me now is that god damn shot (Neulasta) the day after to kick up my white blood cells. I can't believe how awful it makes me feel. My bones still aches, I have that 'run over by a truck' feeling and of course, I'm now doing the 'Old Man from Florida' shuffle.

I have yet to take any other medications for nausea or vomitting. And I am not trying to be a hero here, but I'm not suffering. Yeah, my body hurts when I move about the cabin, but I have no where to go. So feeling my body, feeling how human I am and being present with the small amount of pain (that is not random, but has a source) is not a problem for me.

Last night Ana Paula had some friends over for dinner. I got to chatting with one of the gals and she asked me, "Aren't you scared?"

I looked at her and replied honestly, "No." Because in that moment there was no fear - remembered or projected.

I'm not sure if it is my melted brain or a gift of spiritual presence, but even when I am scared it does not stick.

I'm amazed at how I am effortlessly living from one moment to the next, being present with my feelings that no longer define who I am or what actions I take.

I want so much to hold onto this way of being in the world! I want this new way of presence to stay with me as I continue on in my life.

And in this moment I am scared that I will loose that gift of present mind.

And then I cry.

And breathe.

And sigh.

And stare into space for a moment...

I find my midline and I settle into the next moment.

Round 6 is non eventful

I have new side effects of the chmo this time. My face is more swollen (thanks steroids!) and some swelling in my legs (yet another joy of pregnancy I get to experience). Canckles really are not fun. Because there was a bit more in my left than right leg, Dr. G wanted to do an ultra sound to rule out blood clots. Nothing there.

That's me in my winter Kangol (they make the best hats for us chemo chicks. Why don't people realize that bald chicks look awful in baseball caps??)

Luckily I was still able to squeeze in my before-chemo manicure - but just barely!

I am trying something new with my body this round. There are studies done on mice that say they fare better with the chemo when they are fasted for 48 hours. The idea is that when we go into 'starvation' mode, the healthy cells put up protection and the cancer cells do not have the ability. So, the healthy cells stay away from the side effects of the chemo and the cancer cells become more vulnerable and irradiated.

I've cleansed and fasted for years, so this was nothing new for me and made sense in my body. And to be honest, my body is not craving food. So, I listened, I stayed hydrated and had green drinks and told Dr. G - who is getting used to me by now.

In fact Dr. G congratulated me (and even hugged me!) and said how well I am doing for someone who refuses side effect meds as well as having great reactions to the chemo.

That being said, when Sufi and I arrived at 10pm at the infusion center, I checked in with my body and new that I needed Attivan. So I took that along with the two usual pre-meds: an antacid/nausea liquid and steroids.

Today things are going well. I had another nurse friend come over to give me an IV of fluids followed by another apple and some pasta. Then I went to have a lymphatic drainage massage, and came home craving raw meet, raw cream and young coconut water.

I'm not feeling nausea, but then again, to day is the day before the day after.... I'll let you know tomorrow!

getting ready for my last round

My last round of chemo and I am going through a whole range of emotions... one minute sadness... joy the next... and everything in between.

The sadness is the emotion that confuses me the most.

I am SO excited that I am going to be done with chemo. And if you are a reader of my blog you know that I'm done with abusing my body and the toxins.

In the same way that I hold space for families to give birth, I have been holding space for a battle to be fought in my body between the chemo and the cancer. And in the same way that I cry to my friends after a traumatic birth, I feel as though my whole body will be able to finally let go and cry and release when I no longer have to hold space for the traumatic abuse to my body.

And as I settle into the sadness I can feel deeper into it.

There is a fear inside that the chemo will not kill every last one of those fuckin' cancer cells in my body. There is a fear that if I go off the chemo then cancer will grow again. In a sick and twisted way I'm almost addicted to the chemo as a gaurentee that the cancer is no longer growing in my body!

I'm giving the chemo a lot of power, and it is time to take it back! The chemo is not preventing the cancer from returning... I AM am going to be part of that choice! And chemo and trust in Dr. G was my choice. I chose Chemo to fight the battle because I did not want too. I chose the fire to burn through me and singe all that I no longer need. I choose abuse in order to have lessons in how it feels to consciously be the abuser and abused at the same time.

And I choose to thank chemo for all it has taught me to date!

I am a completely different person both physically and spiritually from when I first sat down to write.

There is not much more that can be stripped away from me.

How I used to define who I am no longer exists - I have let go of my clients/work, shed my hair, released my perfectionist, melted my memory, embraced the freedom of not having my own child, detached from excitement, no longer react emotionally, drifted off into nothingness....

I'm no longer scared of nothingness.

It is just me, myself and I as I approach my last round of chemo and get ready for my surgery...

I feel more naked and vulnerable than I ever have, yet at the same time I feel a quiet peace that I have everything I need to walk into this round with God's Grace.

And I am ready to see what mystery lies within this round.

I can feel tears, again. That's a good thing.

The other side of 40

I eased myself into my birthday with quiet time and births.

I'm not ready to celebrate, because, well, I'm not done with chemo, and my energy is going towards my healing inward, and outward expressions are hard these days.

I headed off to Malibu for some quiet R&R to give myself the gift of forgiveness.

Two friends came to join me with homemade soup, a walk on the beach and the birthday 'grapefruit' freshly picked off the tree! It was so nice to be honored without the fan fair, to have my request and my quiet state of being honored. That was a HUGE gift!

And then, the piece de resistance that night... assisting at a home birth to watch a child being born on my birthday!

And the births did not stop... two more doula clients went into labor, and somehow my body had the energy and I watched great support show up for me so that I could go to these births.

With all of my clients I made the agreement that they would have other doulas, but I would show up if my body allowed it. And somehow my body allowed it! Yes, I got tired at 10ish at night... but support showed up and I could move forward! It was kinda amazing to get back into the swing of things and feel how just my presence alone was enough. I did not over-extend myself or 'do too much'. I observed and felt myself. I held space for change, trusted the choices of the parents and witnessed miracles: babies being born!

I got a sneak peak of who I am becoming, and it fed that empty place in myself, that place of 'no feeling' to show me that I am going to be okay.

And as I witnessed these families embrace their children, I felt something new within myself. I'm actually excited about the idea of never having a child of my own! I'm starting to feel relief at unearthing a truth I have not had the courage to express. The conflict of finding enough energy to raise a child and live my passion is dissipating and I am feeling a new freedom within me. Maybe this will change one day, but for now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted as I know my truth!

I went down to see Dr. G in the middle of birth 2 (the benefits of working where I get my chemo). I told him how I took no side effect meds last round, how I kept myself hydrated, allowed myself to vomit and was in the middle of a birth.

I asked him, "So, do other people ease off the meds like me? are other people having the same reactions, like more vomiting with more toxic accumulation?"

He responded (and I paraphrase), "Well, not many people... actually, no one else on your chemo protocol refuses side effect meds like you do. Most people take the full round of side effect meds and then we tweak them. And most people get more tired as it progresses. Also, you had neutrapinia the first round, and yet your white blood count is completely normal at the end."

I took it in and glowed with how well I am doing.

And I admit that I am so getting off on how I am doing things differently than other people! And I am getting off on the idea that I'm challenging the 'system' (in a healthy way) and getting great results!

Vera asked me, "So, what does that mean to you?"

And I paused, and thought, then responded, "You know what Vera? My whole life I have felt different, and learned to hide it. I spent most of my life trying to fit in and be a 'good girl'. Instead of enjoying my life, I just got angrier and angrier. Now I am celebrating my differences! I am proud of how I am listening to my body and making choices that I know work for me! And look at ALL the Grace that is showing up to tell me I am on the right path! And I now know that thinking and being different is a great gift that I have. And I know that thinking and being different might be threatening to some people, but that is no longer my problem! Look at all the love and healthy support I have around me when I am being true to who I am!! And I am excited to see how this difference that I can now own within me is going to contribute to whatever it is I am supposed to "do" when this is all over!"

And I witnessed myself with wonderment as I could feel the beginnings of excitement again!

Happy Birthday to me!

I am not suffering from Chemo

I woke up this morning knowing in my heart without a shadow of a doubt, that as I get ready to turn 40 I want to give myself the biggest gift I can: I want to forgive myself.

I come from a long line of not only non-forgiver, but also grudge holders. And I am by no means innocent in either of these departments. I have burned plenty a past bridge with my low self esteem, bitter judgments, angry ego and narcissistic wounding.

I know all the words for 'forgiveness' and have practiced them for years with my spiritual teacher. I have been humbly taking baby steps with myself and others, as I play the game "Whose The Grown Up". To feel a drive inside me these days between chemo is rare, and I know that the golden ticket for me is to take a big step and start really forgiving myself for all the abuse and suffering I have created on myself and others.

So I let myself be led and picked up a book I was gifted by my Aussie friend Nickers:

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE UNIVERSE

Straight Talk About Illusions, Past Lives, Religion,
Sex, Politics, and the Miracles of Forgiveness

by Gary R. Renard

And then I kept hearing a conversation I had with my cousin yesterday who felt 'bad' for me having to go through all this 'suffering' with the chemo going over and over again in my mind. Then the the impulse to cry and write moved through me. And when that impulse comes through me, I feel good, because I know some clarity is right around the corner.

People, I am not suffering from the chemo, but rather I suffer from a place in my mind that thinks that I am not only separate from God, but that within that illusion of separateness I can control what I think my life should look like!

People talk about how Jesus died suffering on the cross. In my direct experiences of Jesus, I was shown that he did not suffer. The suffering that was experienced was our projections onto him from our place of consciousness. This dude was so connected to God, to the truth, to understanding how our world is a true illusion of separation, that he did not experience suffering!

So, let me bring it down a notch and talk about the chemo and what I know the difference to be between suffering and pain. What I do is support people in knowing and feeling the difference for a living. A woman who chooses to labor at home without drugs is not 'suffering'. Yes, she might be in 'pain', but she can do it! I trust in the essence of her and know she and the baby know exactly what to do. And yes, it might hurt, but that hurt and pain does not mean she has to stop and not birth the baby at home.

And there are so many variations on birthing, because there are so many people at so many different places in their consciousness. From scheduling a c-section to having a painless home birth and everything in between - AND THERE ARE NO WRONG CHOICES!!!

But having a painless childbirth does not make one better at birthing or mothering than one who chooses an epidural. What I feel is important is the "how" in which that mother feels with her choice. Is she choosing from a place of power in knowing herself? or is she going against every bone in her body and feeling beat down with guilt and shame? And I have watched lots of home births that have involved suffering and trauma and scheduled cesarean births where the gates of heaven have opened up and the birds sang! I feel the trick is to honor where each mother is in her consciousness and say, "Good for you!! You know your body well enough to choose an epidural!" or "Good for you, you know your body well enough to birth the baby at home!'

It is same with my experience of cancer. Yes, I am experiencing pain, but I get to choose what I want to do with that pain. Sometimes I choose to vomit and other times I choose the anti-nausea medication. Sometimes I bitch and moan, other times I moan and laugh. I can choose to kill myself and end my life in the physical body or go to an alternative healing spa in Mexico and everything in between. And as I mentioned earlier in my blog, as I was shown in my meditation to the Akashick records, the end result to my life will be the same, it does not matter! Life is just a bunch of lessons to be learned, and my way out is through chemo. And now I understand why: to learn about abuser and abused at the same time.

What does matter to me is the 'how' I navigate this place and my 'attitude' in regard to my choices.

I know I have chosen to experience what it feels like to not only be the abuser of my body but at the same time the abused! How crazy and beautiful is that! I am making this conscious choice so that I may wake up and know that abuse and suffering is not a part of God! But in order for me to get there, I have to take all the god damn steps and sit in the insanity of that choice and experience it, because I am pretty damn sure this is not the first time I have chosen to abuse myself nor received abuse. But this is the choice of abusing myself that I hope to God will wake me up so that I can step out of this fuckin' insanity of thinking that anything that has to do pain and suffering is part of God's creation! And within that I hope that I can finally know if my heart and being what God actually is!

And dare I say it? Yes, I will. My job is not to identify with the suffering and pain, but honor it, know it is there and forgive it for being there. My job is to for once and for all understand that I am being offered lessons of forgiveness so I can remember that I am not separate from God. I know now what it is I am supposed to let go of: the illusion that my mind has created in thinking I am separate from God. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the place of the unhealthy 'ego' or the I that so many books, philosophies and teachers talk of. Forgiving myself is not only hard work for me, but my way out!

I have said over and over again, I am NOT a victim of cancer. In the same way that there is a part of me that called me into midwifery, there is a part of me that created cancer. I'm just frustrated as to who that part is! I want to know who she is and to have her stop creating dreams and cancer and come out of the closet and be part of me!

For those of you who do not know, I am the reluctant midwife. I did not become a midwife because I think it is a better way of birthing. I came into being a midwife because I kept having dreams that I was catching babies being born out of mothers and into my hands and I would look up and go, "I don't know what to do?". I became a midwife not because I watched the puppies being born under my bed, had a bad experience at a hospital, I believe in the goddess or can feel mother earth talking to me when I garden (which I am trying to make an effort at actually doing; but as my friends know, I have no desire to spend my free time with my hands in the dirt!) Growing up I also believed that the safest place to birth a baby was in a hospital with the doctor (who was personified as God) telling me what to do! I choose to become a midwife based on the relentless, crazy ass dreams before I had even witnessed childbirth! I became a midwife not from a place of experience, but if anything a place of judgment about the craft.

As a Jewish girl from the east coast I grew up with no inkling of God, (or G-d) within me. I thought literally that God was a man outside of me who controlled things and created laws that made no sense to my feeling body. My choices as I saw them was to blindly abide by them or not participate. I know that I am Jewish by tradition, and proud of that tradition. But, I by no means am Jewish as a religion nor do I believe in religion as a whole. I jumped ship when religion said that God is about politics, war, no tolerance for other humans beliefs and battle over land.

I am angry that all the interpretations of the stories I was taught seemed to be about G-d and man being the savior on the white horses to save the day or teachings about elitism and separation from other humans. I am angry that my teachings of G-d did not teach me what I feel are the most important aspects of God: love, forgiveness and trust! And I am angry that religion does not teach about the most important gift from God: Free will!! I have been gifted the power within me to choose! People, there is nothing to be fixed or saved! Only lessons and experiences to find more places for us to love and forgive ourselves and others!

And I know, deep down inside of me, from the place that is still thinking I am separate from God, I view my decision to becoming a midwife as suffering, because is it not what I planned to do with my life, and it does not support the lifestyle that I wanted!

And yet, at the same time, I can connect to the places where I called myself into midwifery to learn I am not separate from God! And in that place I can feel gratitude and midwifery is a crazy ass fantastic, soul satisfying amazing job! And in that place I know God is joy and love!

And then I drop back down to here.

I have learned SO much about myself, others and the world since I was led on the journey to become a midwife. I can literally FEEL that I live less by what my 'mind' thinks I should do, and more by what 'The God Place Within Me' is asking me to do as I continue to show up for the fast soul learning curve of midwifery and cancer.

And in doing so, by showing up to become a midwife, I have been letting go rather quickly my minds view of my life, and let go of attachments to what I thought my life should look like.

And as I go through chemo I am entering into an even deeper layer of letting go of my mind. As I have expressed, I literally forget everything and can no longer feel a purpose. And lately, my brain is not just slipping, but melting away. Time makes no sense to me. I miss appointments and don't even have the memory to get angry at myself for missing the appointment! Operating heavy machinery and catching babies would not be safe at the moment!

And just like a car that is on the highway home that can sometimes get off at the wrong exit, get stuck in an accident or need to rest and refuel, it still reaches its destination in the end. This long journey that I am taking might be hard, and I might take the wrong exit, but I know that I am being led back onto the highway home as I still trust I am being guided in the world that I have created.

And I know I have created the calling into midwifery the same way I have called in the cancer in the same way I have created everything else in my life... from my choice of parents, to my supportive friends... from abusing other to abusing myself...

And how amazing is it that in this lifetime not only do I get to witness life happen literally right in front of me; but now, with cancer I am having first hand experience of witnessing death within me!

Yes, it really is that simple, but it is not that easy! It is hard fuckin' work, but don't pity me; rather, pity yourself that you can not see the beauty of my experience with your own eyes!

If you would like to do something for me, then trust me, my choices and my journey home to knowing I am not separate from God.

I am a seeker. I always have been and always will.

And I am gently starting to understand from inside of me that my "I" has created all of "This" (cancer/midwifery, my life to date..) at the "Earth School of Forgiveness" so that I may know myself better and know God within me as I find my way back home....

or something like that....

I can't feel much these days...

Vera and I have birthdays 2 days apart, so we decided to treat ourselves to an outrageous Sushi lunch followed by some girly time getting make-overs and splurging on new cosmetics.

While driving home Vera giggled, "Now that is what I call a great spiritual experience! We should do this more often!"

And I smiled back at her and waited for the confirmation of what a great time I had to move me.

But it didn't.

And I had a choice. I could turn to Vera with a fake smile on my face and laugh, "Me too!" But I loved myself and respected our friendship too much to lie.

So, I turned to Vera and said the truth, "Vera, I know deep down inside I had a great time too. But I'm sad that I can't feel the excitement I used to feel anymore."

And she knows what I am saying. It is not personal about what we did, but it is more about what is going on with me and my body.

There is a strange survival mechanism that I am witnessing in my body: detachment. I believe it is there to help me get through chemo hell by forgetting and conserving my energy - and I believe in the genius of my body to create this, and I am uncomfortable with how foreign it feels.

I've already talked about the loss of short term memory. And the plus side to this is just like a mom who forgets the pain of labor, I forget the pain of chemo. Also, not remembering makes is harder to 'control' things - which I'm getting better at - and it is easier to keep showing up!

This detachment makes it very difficult to access my emotions. I've rarely had lows in the past, and I know that I have a lot of excitement about life. But I can not find it in these moments. It is like my inside emotions have become a big bowl of overcooked, cold oatmeal mush. It is not depresssion, but a big bowl of 'nothing'.

And I get scared. I barely recognize myself anymore! What am I going to do without excitement and motivation to move me forward? Why would I want to do anything? Where did my Joie de Vive go?

Excitement is so foreign to me now that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday because I'll have to put on a fake cheesy smile to make other people comfortable with my lack of excitement. I can't feel anything!

I am a master when it comes to being 'happy'. I am one of those innately positive people, and I learned at a young age that I could regulate others emotions by creating 'happy' situations. Therefor, most of my life has been built around 'staying positive' with my inner excitement bubbling up around me to move me forward and sometimes even persuading others to join me/do something - because I have been known to be contagious in my enthusiasm.

And as I know from my studies in Chinese Medicine, sometimes "too much joy" can be unbalancing. And I know from my personal experience that too much enthusiasm can create denial, ungroundedness and gets me into trouble as I move too fast without pausing. (Anyone out there remembering my marriage in my 20's will know exactly what I am talking about!)

And sometime before all this midwifery/cancer stuff happened, I decided that if my excitement can be contagious, then I better be damn sure that what I am saying/doing is done in a responsible way with my own inner clarity (hence this long ass spiritual journey I have been on).

The upside to this 'no feeling place' is I find I am quieter. I am conserving more energy because I am not putting so much energy out in front of me. I'm finally able to think before I speak and ask questions. I can feel pauses and space. I can feel the lows, name them and not be scared of them. I feel anger, sadness, lethargy, disappointment, unhappiness and no one is dying. And if others do get hurt by it and do not want to be in a healthy relationship with me over their own feelings, then that is their loss and their problem.

This 'nothing' place is an uncomfortable place for me because it is so unknowns, but it is so much more relaxing here.

And I start to get excited to see who I will become with this new way of being when all of this cancer stuff is over....

Winning the Mascetomy Lottery!!

I have yet to write about this process, because somewhere, deep in my psyche I have been hoping that I would get a magical phone call from the doctors that says, "Elizabeth, we can't believe it! The cancer is gone from your breast and lymphs and there is no reason for you having surgery!"

I did get a magical phone call, but it was not what I expected, but far beyond what I could have created...

In order for me to shut, lock, seal and nail the breast cancer door shut, I have known in my heart that I will need to offer up both of my breasts in the form of a double masectomy. If you were to research the 'numbers', I have more chance of having breast cancer in other parts of my body then I do in having it re-occur in the right breast. But, if I was to believe in the 'numbers', I would not be writing this blog to begin with!

That is why I love Dr. F. She gets me. She also believes that even though we do not have the data, there is something about my breast DNA that creates cancer. Therefor, since I am young, both of us believe that for me to live a cancer free life the best course of action is to get rid of my number one and only risk factor: my breasts!

In the search for a plastic surgeon to help with my breast re-construction, Dr. F was very aware that having any more out of pocket expenses, like a great Beverly Hills plastic surgeon would not be supportive of my healing process. So, she suggested a staff surgeon at Cedars that my insurance would pay for.

Dr. S had just moved to Cedars as a staff Plastic Surgeon from USC this July. He has a reputation for being really good at his job, but Dr. K did warned me to not expect a lot of his time or a warm bedside manner.

Brenda, my breast friend specialist, is world renown for her natural breasts as one of the Wonderbra models. So, I thought it fitting that she should be in charge of my new breast! Brenda has happily been researching all my surgical options on line and joyfully coming with me to every meeting.

When we both met Dr. S we were shocked as his disrespect for us (as he continued to refer to us as "gals") and his confusion is explaining my options. So at the end of our meeting, admist my confusions I asked him, "So Dr. S, Dr. F said that because I will be having radiation to the breast after the surgery, a lateral flap surgery would be my best option so the skin does not shirk wrap around the implants." This is when the dragon reared his ugly head. In a dismissive tone he replied, "Elizabeth, I would not tell you how to delivery a baby, therefore Dr. F should not tell me what surgery to perform and I will not tell her how to remove the cancer!"

Brenda and I were at a loss for words. It is one thing to disagree and choose ones words, it is quite another thing to be rude and dismissive of a Doctor I trust a hell of a lot more than this arrogant ass.

We both left scratching our heads and Brenda chippered, "Well, his arrogance might work in our favor so he can show off his work with your breasts. Anyways you don't need him for good beside manners, you've got me and Dr. F for that!" And in the next sentence, "Lets get a second, third and forth opinion."

I was dumbfounded and sad that my decision was going to be made on my economic situation and not artestry and kindness. How would I ever let this insecure, arrogant, confusing, rude and distrustful man not just touch my breasts but leave his work on my body forever?

So, we went to get a second opinion from a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills who was highly recommended.

Dr. Lisa Cassileth was BEYOND fantastic. Granted, the Beverly Hills office is a far cry from the 1960's decor of Cedars. But still, we were greeted with smiles and offers of libations. We were given a DVD to watch to lay the foundation for our choices. And then when Dr. C arrived I explained how my financial situation may not make her an option, she happily agreeded to answer all of my questions so I could be comfortable with choosing a staff physician if that is what I wanted.

2 hours later we emerged happy and clear. I knew that the new microsurgery (called a DIEP surgery) that Dr. C and her partner offer was exactly what I wanted. It meant that the muscles of my body would not have to be re-arranged to create new breast, and the blood supply that was needed would be delicately brought up from my abdomin. She also showed her excitement in using my own fat to create natural curves, drops and lifts in my breast ever after the radiation. And by using my own fat I would also be bringing up stem cells to heal that area!

Her passion for me to not only look good but also feel good brought me to tears. I left knowing I would have to manifest double digits in the thousands because that was who I wanted on my team.

A week later, after round 5 of chemo I called her assistant back to be greeted by the following news:

"Elizabeth, Dr. C has been wanting to start a non-profit for years now to give back to the community. This non-profit has not started yet, in fact there is no name for it. But the idea is to offer Dr. C's services to a few women every year who are in finacial need due to the cancer who would otherwise not be able to afford her services. Dr. C would like to extend to you her out of pocket services that your insurance does not cover from this non-profit."

Even in this moment I well up with tears when I think about this generous offer from Dr. C. I let them know admist my tears that not only was I overwhelmed by this unexpected offer, but that I would be happy to be their non-profit post child!!

This is beyond anything that I could have ever made happen.

Once again I am shown that I continue to by guided by unseen forces, as the red carpet continues to be rolled out for my healing journey through cancer.

Finally, the words have found me

It isn't that I hate my life, it is just that I don't recognize it any more.

I don't understand how 4 days after round 5 of chemo is still supposed to be called "living"?

Being productive no longer defines my life. Making money is not a motivating factor. Fantasizing that one day I will be married and have children is no longer anywhere near the radar.

What I am is a bald chic with cancer, chemo, death and destruction surging through her body.

I lie around napping, taking Ambien when I can't sleep, watching movie after movie, trying to eat, taking deep breaths to get in more oxygen, wincing every so often at the neuropathy, forgetting almost everything that is thought or said to me, attempting not to get overwhelmed by other people's emotions... and this is called 'living'?

I can not think of one thing that keeps me here on Earth. I don't have a child, I have not found my 'other half', and there are lots of really great midwives out there. Even on my good days when I am laughing and enjoying, I keep waiting for "the point" of life to hit me over the head like a brick.

Anna W. asked me if I am scared of dieing on thursday.

I laughed.

"No. Not really. Put it this way, I stopped planning when I got cancer. I have absolutely no idea what Gods plan is for me. I have no idea if I'm going to be living or dieing. But one thing I do know, If I do leave and go into the non-physical form, I sure know how to contact all the people I love and bother them!"

I am clear that I am not going to commit suicide, because why would I leave this version of the 'unknown', where I have lots of support in the familar and choose to leave for the "unknown" in the unfamilar? Now that sounds crazy to me.

But, if God's plan is for me to leave, then I'm not too fussed, coz I feel dead inside anyways.

As I write this I can feel tears again. I can feel myself connecting with something, but I have no idea what.

God it feels so good to actually be able to cry.

Now, if only I could remember why I'm crying....

Round 5 - toxin overload!

Sufi and I head out to the infusion center at 10pm. We are liking the night time treatments because my body naturally wants to sleep.

Before I even got to the infusion center I started to feel nausea. Dinner was good, but there was something else going on.

I did not feel any resistance in going to the treatment center or getting chemo. I'm so emotionally dead these days that I just show up with a 'whatever' within me.

So, I'll back it up a bit. Sometime after round a 4 I could start to feel that I needed a cleanse. I was getting caught in a toxic cycle and could literally feel my body going all heebie geebie on me!

The heebie geebies feel like this: Imagine you are 20 again and in a drunken stupor from a night of heavy partying. You not only flirt with a boy whose name you can not remember, but you kiss him too! And sometime the next morning you wake up to the alcohol still swimming in your blood stream trying to make their way out. You are not quite sober, you are probably still might be drunk, you wish you had vomited the night before and you have a conscience that starts to sneak into your thought pattern: "Ugggh, I flirted with that boy? and I was so drunk I even kissed him? what else did I do/say? Did I insult my best friend? Did I make a fool of myself?" and then your whole body just kinda shivers in disgust - that is the heebie geebies!

And as I told this story to Anna W., she said, "Yeah, and that boy was probably toxic for you the same way the chemo is!"

Yup! she is so right! The chemo is toxic for my body and my body has had ENOUGH toxins! I am SO jonzing for a really good full body cleanse. But no can do. Gotta put more toxins in my body to get healed!! Gotta consciously choose to abuse my body yet another time to heal... BIZARRE!!!

By the time I got to the treatment center the nausea has increased. Before the pre-meds ever go into my system I can hear my body for the first time ever really talking to me, and it is screaming, "GET THESE TOXINS OUT OF ME!" And then I hear: "I WANT THESE TOXNS O.." but the sentence can not be completed because I am now puking up dinner. Just the thought of chemo makes my whole body retch.

There is a medical term for this reaction. Dr. G calls it: anticipatory nausea. I call it: my body is clever and knows it does not want any more toxins!

But what I know to be true is that when I started chemo I was pretty damn clean physically. There were not many toxins in me at all! With the first round of chemo I did not vomit, and took lots of side effect meds. The second round I vomited once, on day 3 and less side effect meds. Then each round the vomiting has been getting closer and closer to the chemo until today, when it was actually happening before the chemo even went into my body. What I believe is that my body is getting more and more toxic and it wants to vomit out the toxins! That seems like a normal reaction to me. It is getting so over filled with the toxins and frustrated that I won't listen to it, that now it is trying to get the toxins out even before they go in!

So, in an effort to get the chemo in, I adopt a different plan. I explain to my body how the chemo does need to go inside in order to kills the cancer. So I had the nurse call Dr. G at 1 in the morning to get me an Ativan so I am knocked unconscious enough to get the toxins into me.

(Dr. G reminds me later that I was ademently apposed to Ativan the first time... I reminded him that I am ademently apposed to taking side effect meds I do not need, and when I need them I have no problem taking them!)

The second part of this negotiation with my body was to then give it permission to vomit, but after the chemo went in. The next morning I had a friend come over to give me a full bag of fluids through an IV so I stay so I could vomit until my heart/body is contented! What a HUGE difference it makes. (That's me hangin' out in Ana Paula's kitchen with a bag of IV fluids hooked up to me and the wall). So, as the IV fluids went in, we chatted... about birth... of course. :)

I looked forward to every time I retched, because I new the toxins were leaving my body! And that felt SO good!

Yes, I can still feel the toxins in me, I have poor posture and I can feel my white blood cells bottom out, but I have taken no other side effect meds this time! (think of all the money I am saving the insurance company... I hope they thank me later ). Nothing for nausea. Nothing for vomiting. Nothing for sleep!

I feel like this recover is much better than the others.

The closer I get to it being over, the more I feel like I am understanding chemo.

reminsing on Round 4

So many people want to know where I have been in my writing of the blog.

Well, what you are feeling about my lack of writing/sharing is the same thing I am going through.

I'm trying to figure out, "Where am I?" "Why have I not written?" "Where are my words?" "Am I feeling well?" "Am I sick?" "Is everything okay?"

While I recover from round 5 I will comment on round 4. This is reflective of how my life goes these days. I no longer live in Chronos time, ("Kronos time is what we live with on a daily basis. It is measured by clocks, hours, minutes, and seconds. It often seems to be more of a nemesis or taskmaster than a friend. There is rarely enough of it, and we feel stressed out as we race the clock to go about our regular activities. Kronos time is what we schedule and make appointments in."*) but rather Kairos Time ( "Kairos time, on the other hand, flows gently -- allowing us to be in the moment. We participate in kairos time, rather than racing to catch up with it. Kairos time may occur during meditation, the creative process, rocking a baby, reading a well written book, and other activities that are personally meaningful to us. One is wholly absorbed in the moment, unhurried and unaware of time passing. These are the moments that nurture our souls."*). I no longer live in straight lines that are predictable, but rather circularly and sometimes backwards. And for some reason time no longer 'flys by' in between the chemo treatments, but rather it feels like long times, and I'm liking it that way.

Round 4 was the toughest one yet.

Before I arrived I had come to terms with the fact that having children may not be the end of the world. In fact, there might be a lot more living I can do without the 24/7 dependency and responsibility of raising a child. I was feeling quite liberated! And as the fight for my eggs left me, I felt my youth slip back in. I've always had a young body on the outside, why would it not be youthful on the inside too? I had gotten to the point where I had made friends with my fear, so there were a whole new range of choices opening up for me.

But as is my pattern, the next gate was presenting itself: Idealism. I am being called to let go of the Idealist within myself - because obviously she is useless, as she could not prevent cancer! :) And, It is true, that my idealist - even with her healthy way of living - creates more separation, hate and judgment that I am assuming responsibility for.

I was offered a fantastic book on the subject, which I do recomend:

Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride: A Psychological Study by Marion Woodman.

I'm too disconnect and burned up to get dramatic with my writing about this descent into Chemo Hell. It is more with a slow, disconnected drag that I bring myself to the 11pm shift with Sufi and Just Show Up!

Everyone says "Oh, your half way through.", but for me, it did not matter. I was starting to have an psycho emotional response to one of the drugs in my protocol that created a huge burning sensation in my nose and I could feel that sensation before I even got there. In order to keep showing up there is a disassociation that happens. There is a "lets not go there until we need to go there" mentality. And luckily the brain supports that with the literal loss of short term

memory.


I had an angel of a nurse - whose name I forgot - but I'm glad I have her picture. Sufi and I curled up on my bed to sleep through most of the treatment.

I'm trying to write about the chemo, but as I try to I get nausea. The psycho/emotional response is so strong! It is the same 'yucky' pit-in-my-stomache visceral body response that I have when my unresolved abuse issues get triggered in me.

In my book, Chemo is abusive to the body... and I am allowing it to happen! God, this is really fucked up that I was not able to keep my body safe enough from this physical toxin. And it is also messed up in saying that this poisen will 'cure' me.

Sorry party people, but I'm gonna have to stop writing about chemo. It is literally making me sick.

Lets just say that the nurse was an angel, she change the order of the chemo so I would have less burning in my nose and it worked.

When I arrived back at Rima's I had a good day (the steroids don't wear off until day 2). Then my brother arrived from Hong Kong to enjoy a bit of Halloween on the lawn before we drove off to Malibu to recover together.

I spent a week with my brother and it is the same story, just a different week. By day 2 after I had gotten myself dehydrated (because the voice of heal continues to be a distant echo) I had a raging liver yang headache and heat all over my body. I had to call Anna W over for some emergency acupuncture and hydration.

The next two days I looked forward to vomiting (get those toxins OUT!), shuffled around like a zombie, slept, ate eggs from breakfast, raw yogurt, raw cream, keiffer water, tea and lots of apples and prayed for the poop! My medication intake was minimal, as I'm not wanting to fight the nausea as I know if must be serving a purpose. I figure my body does not want to eat because it has too many god damn toxins in it to eat! So, I'm listening to it. And we watched a bunch of movies.

My brother kept looking at me and saying, "I keep forgetting that you have cancer and just had chemo!"

I forget too sometimes. And it isn't that I'm in denial, it is just that I'm not a victim of the cancer and I'm not sick, it is the chemo that makes me feel like hell!!


* all quotes are from: Close to the Bone by Jean Shinoda Bolen

what to write?

I'm not sure why I don't write as often. Maybe because I forget to, the way I forget almost everything these days. It is called "chemo brain". Maybe I wrote about it already?

I forget words. I loose thoughts. I get distracted on Facebook and forget that I need to send someone an email - oh, wait, that is just normal these days for everyone!

I met a guy a few weeks ago who understands what I am going through. He had a brain tumor straight out of left field, right as his career was taking off too. When he looked at me he immediately gave me a hug, coz he knew. He got it. He understood. (And he also loves raw food!)

He told me the story of how he was a block away from his house in New York and could not find his way home. He was so lost that he had to call a taxi to take him home.

"What they don't tell you is that the brain is made of plasticine and your memory will come back."

He gave me another hug and then said to me seriously, "Be easy on yourself. The best thing you can do is be easy on yourself."

It was at that moment I knew I can't keep working.

I want to be at births, but I can't be relied on. I did the final bit of letting go. I made sure all my doula clients had other doulas as their main doula and I found another midwife to share my 2009 clients with me.

I feel like I am being re-created.

I'd like to know into what I'm being created into, but it looks like I am on a need to know basis, and right now, I don't need to know.

Anyways, if I was told, I'd probably forget.

Letting Go

I can feel I am supposed to be letting go of something, but fuck me if I remember what exactly it is I am supposed to let go of!

Anger, Hate, Sadness, Disappointment, Shame, Guilt, Greed, Arrogance, Jealousy, Suffering, Expectations....am I missing anything?

I have done ritual after ritual... therapeutic emotional work... forgiveness ceremonies... and still I find myself grasping for something, since "the point" has no shown up and swimming in "nothingness" really is not on my top ten list.

They let me know about the side effect of the short term memory, but no one told me about the disconnect to the self that goes on to survive this utter physical, mental, emotional and spiritual hell chemo brings on.

And yes, I am doing well. Like a mom who has been given a tough labor, she does a good job navigating it, but that does not make it any less painful.


Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
-- Raymond Lindquist

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh

Stand up and walk out of your history.
-- Phil McGraw

The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there's gold in letting go of them.
-- John Seely Brown

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
-- Lao Tzu

Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood.
-- Karen Casey

Post Partum Chemo Blues

The lethargy and nothingness is starting to get a bit dibiliating in my eyes.

Dr. G and I check out my Red Blood Count because I am convinced that this level of lethargy has to be physilogical and related to low iron levels. And it is not. My Red Blood count is way within normal. I'm shocked it really is hormonal!

I have decided to move in with Rima and the kids, as I do not want to isolate myself. It is easy to get lost when you live on your own, but being around the kids will support my healing. I have been trying to get out of my house and into her's for 2 days, and it is taking FOREVER to do so!

Wednesday night I have dinner plans with some mommy friends of mine. I'm walking slow. I am tired. But I know that with people who love me is helpful for this place.

While there I start to explain how I am feeling. How strange this 'blah' place is. How far away my inner voice of health is. How I could lie in bed for days on end if I let myself. How I have no motivation to do anything. How I could give two shits about anything. How tired I feel. How not myself I feel. How I feel like I am observing the thoughts and feelings of a stranger.

They all look at me and kinda snicker, "Yup! Now you know how a post partum mom feels!"

And I finally get it.

Our hormones control so much of our mood. And when the hormones are crazy and all over the place, us women can feel 'crazy and all over the place' - and it is not that we did or are doing something wrong! We really are out of balance. And it feels: not right.

And the way that nature creates these circumstances is that the mom has the baby as motivation to move forward and out of this plexie-glass box.

"What is my motivation?" I ask inwardly?

And I hear back the usual: nothing.

Sitting in the ashes.

When I go to see Dr. G today he asks the prefunctory, "So, how are you?"

I look at him and reply, "From where do you want me to answer that questions? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically?"

"Well, lets take them one at a time."

"Physically my nose and eyes are running all the time. It is like a faucet. There is a burning sensation in my nose when I breath in. The edema is very slightly pitting, nothing alarming. I'm no longer needing the ambien to sleep this week. The neuropathy seems to have abated perhaps due to the raw milk? I've got a severe case of lethary. I nap quite often. I forget everything. I'm eating more than I need to because I can't feel hunger cues anymore. No nausea or vomitting. The hot flashes are not good times. Oh, and I don't have my period anymore."

Dr. G gives me a compassionate nod as I share my growing list of new complaints. I know he has never experienced chemo, but I like his compassionate nods. I know he has some kind of spiritual training somewhere.

So I take a chance.

"Dr. G, do you know the story of the Phoenix that rises out of the ashes?"

"Yes. I do."

(For those of you who do not know of the story, the Mythical bird, the Phoenix "near the end (of its life) builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again." - Wikipedea)

"Well, that is what is going on with me Dr. G. I have a serve case of the 'blahs'. I am sitting in the ashes. I am nothing. Absolute nothingness."

It is so hard to remember that this 'blah' is not who I am.
It is so difficult to know that this will pass and become a memory of some another time.
So I sit and I wait.
At some point to be born again, a new.

And I can see that Dr. G gets it.

(The artwork I found online is called Phoenix......from Ashes, by lovelychristina: http://lovelycristina.deviantart.com/art/phoenix-from-ashes-75377132?offset=90)

labor every 3 weeks

After round 3 I get a lot of:

"Wow! Elizabeth. You are half way through. That must feel so good!"

"No, actually, I still have 3 more to go."

I explain it like this to my friends who have given birth:

Okay, so with your first baby you really have no idea what is involved. You might be a bit scared, a bit excited, a bit nervous, but you know you can do this. You have read the books, you have been eating well and exercizing. You feel prepared to go into labor.

And while in labor you go into the unknown, you have great support, it gets a bit painful, you throw-up, you sweat, you get restless, your tired as hell, you nap, your frustrated you can't control it, maybe you take some drugs and sleep and in the end you give birth to your baby and it is over.

Now, imagine 2 years later you choose to have baby number two. You have forgotten how long that last labor was, the pain is not as tangible as it was on that day, you have a bit more knowledge and wisdom, but it is still uncontrollable. Never the less you do it. This labor has echos of the last one, but it is not the same as there are never 2 labors that are the same. Maybe you choose to do it without the drugs this time, or maybe you decided to walk in the door and get the epidural before anything starts... but either way, you are at it again, back into the unknown, it lasts for 3 days and there is low grade nausea the whole time BUT you come out the other side with a baby!

Then out of nowhere, you get pregnant with baby number three and you think to yourself, "Yup, I'm gonna have this one, even though it is unplanned, and THAT IS IT!!" You are clear that you are done birthing kids. And you go through the unknown again, a bit more tired coz you already have 2 kids at home, but in the end you have another baby.

Well, my journey with chemo is kinda like that... I know that I am done, except, I still have 3 more labors to go through!

I am asked to go into labor 6 times every 3 weeks and I don't have any kids to show for the effort!

And yes, I can choose to stop this at any point in time, but it just is not my way. I know I am supposed to move forward with the western medicine.

And I try and find a way to move forward, but the truth is I have to stop 'trying' and just have to let the way come to me, because my way of 'trying' couldn't prevent breast cancer in the first place. And, I'm just too tired to figure anything out anymore. My brain is mush. (literally).

So, I keep showing up to what is real for me in this moment. And for the past few days "this moment" has included a whole lot of nothing.

eating is not the problem

I thought I was supposed to loose my appetite? I thought that this was my chance at finally fitting into my skinny jeans?

"Hungry?"
Whatever.
If it is front of me, I eat. And I eat a lot.
If it is not in front of me, I don't eat until I am overwhelmed by low blood sugar.

"Cookie?"
Okay.
"Mash Potatoes?"
Alright.
1 serving. 5 servings.
cooked food. raw food.
preservatives. whole grain.
There is no difference.

I can barely feel when I am hungry anymore and feeling full is a struggle. It is not that I have lost my appetite, it is more that I no longer can feel the signals. I don't particularly 'crave' anything. But if it is put in front of me I eat it. I am so unconscious about what I want.

And I am so unclear about my hunger messages.

In the past I have had various unhealthy eating habits. From shoveling chocolate into my mouth to my addiction to structured 'cleanses' to trying to control my eating with raw foods. I lived with limitations under the disguise of 'healthy eating', but it was always an effort and it never flowed.

I craved to be one of those people whose body would tell them what to eat and would not overeat. I wanted to join the mass amounts of people whose body would actually signal to them, "You are full" and feel it. I wanted to be one of those people who when they said "No" to sweets, it was a non issue and I really meant "no" because they really didn't want it. Not the other kind of person who was constantly fighting with the inner deamons that said, "Why not? Just eat the whole cake! Who knows when you will ever get another home-made desert!"

And I got there. As of March of this year, after a culmination of various therapies, I fell into a joyful place with my eating habits that did not take up my time or attention. I could hear my body, it would speak to me of healthy choices and eating became a non issue! I was dancing with my body's needs and loving my body.

Until this week.

I have not felt this way about food and nourishing myself in a long time.
And how I am relating to food is how I feel about life at the moment - blah.
And it bothers me.

Yet another side effect of the un-regulated hormones - which do regulate hunger.

Fucking hormones. Who had any idea that they control SO much!

Death circulates through me

I wake up this morning and cancel my day. I feel 'blah'.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

In fact, I have been feeling blah for sometime now. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I'm not excited. I'm not motivated. I'm not depressed. I'm just nothing. A whole lot of nothing.

I'm loosing my speed on eating right. I'm starting to not care what goes in anymore.

I have not felt this way about food and nourishing myself in a long time.
And how I am relating to food is how I feel about life at the moment.
And it bothers me.

So, I cancel my day, stay in my Pjs, grab a book and call the troops.

First there is Lisa, my acupuncture school buddy who lives in Austin.

"Lisa, what is going on with me? I so don't feel myself. I'm not depressed, but I am lethargic. I seem to have no opinion. Staying in bed sounds find to me. Doing nothing works. I'm kinda sad. But not really. I'm more a puddle of mush."

"Well, are you getting your period?"

Then it hits me.
I pull up my calender.
There it is.
I am one month to the day and have no signs of bleeding.
I am here.
In that place I so did not want to be.

And I am sad.

My hormones are officially fucked up.

And then I call Anna W. and tell her what Lisa and I have been talking about and she concurs that when your hormones are all over the place, this is what happens.

And then she brilliantly adds:

"Lizzi, it isn't just the cancer that is dieing off, but all the growing cells of your body are being killed by the chemo. You have so much death circulating through your body I'm amazed you have been doing as well as you have. Who the hell wants to get out and live outside with that much death circulating on the inside? Sounds like your body knows exactly what to do."

For years I have touting my self care with mental and emotional sickness too. When ones body is physically sick, what do you want to do? Pull down the shades, hide under the covers and lie there while someone brings you chicken soup. So why is it that when we are mental or emotional sickness we don't allow our body the same respect? Why do we insist that we have to over-ride that sad, blah place? Why don't we take the days off for those spaces? Why is being motivated and 'on' all the time the 'right' way?

People, I am not talking about spending day upon day alone in the bedroom. I'm talking about being kind to the body, allowing oneself to spend time in a darkened room (to avoid being overwhelmed) and getting support (professional and personal) so one is not alone during this time.

My body had hit the 'blahs' and it knows what it needs. It wants to just lie around in an under-stimulating room. And I have never had a problem practicing what I preach, but this one was getting to me. I feel so foreign in my body. And I don't want it to esculate into depression.

I pause to take in Anna's words and honor the place of death within me.

She is right. My body is telling me exactly what to do.

And I quite satisfactorly go back to what I have been excelling at lately: Nothing. And party people, I do nothing really, really well!

What's the deal with raw food???

Have you ever had a friend that you call and talk to every day when you are single? A person you look forward to sharing and bitching and talking and griping to? And for some reason, when you talk to that person whole worlds of insight open up that you never even realized before? And it gets to the point were you joke that you are dating, even though it is only a daily 8:30 am morning call while you both brush your teeth? That is Anna Werderitch in my life. We don’t do the daily phone calls any more, but she is still my ‘go to’ friend with regards to all my deep life quibbles.

Anna is a Licensed Acupuncturist and Herbalist. We met in school. Her enthusiasm and knowledge of plant and animal medicines calms my bones. Back in the early days, when we had an acupuncture practice together, we were trying to figure out our specialties without creating limits. We were both passionate about supporting women, and had both just become doulas. While meeting with a senior acupuncturist in the community, he spelled it out for us.

“You are gonna have to choose. What’s it gonna be? Are you going to make the babies or birth the babies?”

We looked at each other with tears in our eyes and we both new instantly our heart's choice.

“I wanna make the babies!” Anna cried. And she does. She is a sought after acupuncturist who has supported many women overcome fertility challenges.

As the tears welled up inside me I felt the words tumble out, “I wanna birth the babies!”.

Anna was the first person to witness me declare my soul’s calling as a midwife.

As soon as I got diagnosed with the c, I called her up and asked her to be in charge of my nutrition to create more choices for my health and well being in the hopes of limiting the toxic side effect of the plethora of medications. Together we keep changing and modifying my diet, but for the most part everything you read in my blog regarding my nutritional choices has been passed through Anna.

"So, what is the deal with raw food anyways? Isn't it filled with bacteria and bad for you?"

I’m hearing this a lot lately. So, I will grab a soap box and explain.

Many, many years ago, people used to either have or live near a local farm. We’d eat as dictated by the seasons and eat yummy dairy and meat products from animals that were well cared for and treated. These animal wear not sick, they were healthy. And the milk and meat products they produced did not contain sickness, but contained life force, good bacteria, the enzymes needed to digest the food and health!

Flash forward to nationalized agriculture. People started to take nature and turn it into a business. Animals were inhumanely treated and getting diseases. And way back then, in 1880, when pasturization was introduced, there were no refrigerators, or choline or sterilization techniques that we had today. The milk and meat products they produced contained those diseases. Instead of treated the animals kindly, the thought became, “How can we sell dairy and meat products that have disease in them? hmmmmm, let’s Pasturize everything and the bad diseases will be gone!!" (along with all the good nutrients). And yes, if you are going to eat mass produced foods that has no integrity behind them please do NOT eat them raw!! Make sure they are pasturized, or you too will get sick!

Modern raw milk products are produced by people who treat their cows well. Here is a quote from Organic Pastures, my resource for raw dairy: “ Our individually named cows are never given antibiotics, hormones, or GMOs (Genetically Modified Organisms). Only organic green pasture and approved naturopathic methods are used to feed and care for the cows. Preventative, nature-based healthcare keeps the herd healthy all year. “. (coz you know, there is a theory out there that Genetically Modified Food treated with hormones causes cancer! And that is the stuff my generation grew up on!).

The advantage to not pasteurizing this food is that you get all the natural enzymes that nature intended to digest the food going in. Raw foods are considered alkaline in nature, so if your stomach has a lot of acid, don’t you think raw, cooling alkaline food would feel better? And the Raw Cow Colostrum works on the same theory of mom’s colostrums. It is the ‘superfood’ of the milk, containing not only pro-biotics and enzymes, but also immunoglobulins! (but note to all cancer/chemo people reading this, I have stopped with the colostrum because it also contains a growth hormone that is good for creating new cells in the intestines, but I'm not sure if that would be good for my hormone sensitive cancer).

When you choose food that is raw, you are choosing food that has been grown and processed with a level of care that you do not find in pasturized food. There is a big difference in not only tasted but also in nutrition and life force between fresh squeezed orange juice and orange juice that is from a carton.

Now, all this food comes with a warning from our government, but isn’t our government the same organization that will not support the ‘health’ in our ‘healthcare’? Why would I trust them to tell me the truth around raw foods, when the person in charge of that health warning looks unhealthy? Any doctor who is a good doctor will state their doctor point of view, and tell you they are not trained in nutrition or herbs and that they could not only comment, but they trust that “you” will make good choices for your own body. And that is what I have surrounded myself with on my medical team.

I have chosen my medical team because they practice good medicine by allowing me to work with informed consent. My medical team does not tell me what to do, but they give me the information, the data and their 2-cents so that I can make and take responsibility for my informed choice. And when they do have a strong opinion (like I need to do the 6 full rounds of chemo to have it work) I listen!

As Doctor G stated, the scientific data is inconclusive regarding raw foods causing neutrapinic fever or not. The data may concur that our own bodies bacteria cause it and it is not coming from outside sources.

I am honoring my bodies craving for fats by offering it healthy fats: raw milk, butter, cream, avocados, eggs, raw almonds... so I do not make myself sick with unhealthy fats: cookies, cakes, deserts... And it is pretty effortless when I listen to my bodies needs.

And this is an unscientific experiment, as there is no other study but moi that I know of, but the numbness and neuropathy has decreased significantly since I started back up on the raw dairy. Intuitively I feel like the good fats are coating my nervous system to support it during this physiologically stressful time.

More raw milk facts: http://www.raw-milk-facts.com/raw-medicine.html

Organic Pastures, where I get my raw milk from: http://www.organicpastures.com/faq.html

And an all around easy to read fabu book on whole foods: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life, by Barbara Kingslover. http://www.kingsolver.com/home/index.asp

Cleaning up the small stuff

Today was a very good day.

I got 8 hours of sleep and had a whole day to myself with no commitments outside of my flat.

So what did I do? I cleaned. I didn't just clean... I SCRUBED!! what a blessing!!

I got out my non-toxic, essential oil cleaner (coz you know, those toxic cleaners can cause cancer!) and started to scrub the bathroom - from floor to tub. I caught up on some long overdue phone calls while I scrubbed, washed, cleaned and scrubbed some more. I said 'goodbye' to all the hair products I had no use for, and stored them away. The hair ties that I routinely grabbed in the morning to keep my hair from getting wet in the shower were delegated to a new home outside of the bathroom. There was much satisfaction to be found in throwing out expired products collected under the sink. Next thing you know, 5 hours later, I was done with the bathroom!

What joy to not have to go to the doctors! What joy to feel well enough to move off the couch! What joy to ignore the mail! What joy to have a day off!! What joy to have time to shoot the shit on the phone!! What joy to have a day to do a mundane task well.

I still got tired from all the activity, so I took a short nap.

After I awoke, I replace the shower filter on my freshly scrubbed tub (coz you know, all those toxins in the water not only dry out your skin, but they can cause cancer! :) And took the time to check into "The Church of Me".

"The Church of Me" was made up by my college room-mate and is my favorite church of all time. My attendance at church was slacking. I usually don't like to put blame elsewhere, but the Chemo had put a real damper on my attendance.

I found the right salts and oils for the bath, an esential oil compresses for my face and an all natural green moisture mask!

I went to put my hair up, and forgot that it was no longer going to get in the way of my mask. Then I figured, "why stop at the face?" The ginning green photo even made me laugh.

I have so enjoyed this simple day.

meeting an angel, literally

I had just left my one week after chemo appointment with Dr. G. , where everything is going well. My White Blood Cells (WBC) are fine for a Wednesday after chemo. Nurse Ana got all freaked out that I’m eating raw foods (she doesn’t want to hear the sushi stories), Dr. G is fine with my raw food consumption, as studies don’t show if is our food’s bacteria or our own bodies bacteria cause neutrapinic fever – I’m still taking my anti-biotics, so I have no idea how I could get sick. The dry skin is cumulative from the chemo and normal. I still have eyebrows, impressive. The neropathy comes and goes, normal. The shortness of breath coming and going is normal. The thick yellow coat on my tongue has become normal. I’m negotiating new drugs from the acid and reflux after the chemo, which is probably a side-effect of the steroid meds. Dr. G. is pleased I am napping. They all gave me compassionate nods as I played my ‘lack of nose hairs’ violin’. I’m going back on Friday to have another blood draw to confirm my WBC are high enough to go off the anti-biotics.

Everybody is smiling. I leave in a good mood. I have some time to spare before Ana Paula and I give a talk about Doulas at a friend's yoga studio.

I come out of Cedars with my sunglasses on and make a right on Beverly. As I meander down Beverly Blvd I do a very “un-LA” move: when I approached La Cienega Blvd, across from the Beverly Center, I unexpectedly slowed down as I approached the yellow light and watch it turn to red as I come to a complete stop. This is a very long light, so I decide to take advantage of it and call Stacey in Portland. As the phone is ringing I looked up to see a man all dressed in black, with his hair slicked back with an over suntanned face, holding a wrapped and bagged subway grinder in his left hand. He looks to be homeless as he approached the cars in order from the curb, but more ‘clean’ homeless than ‘dirty’ homeless.

As he approached my car he stops right in front and proceeds to make the sign of the cross with his right hand and then bows slightly while saying, “bless you” over and over and over again. I'm a bit confused, but enthralled.

I'm not one who gives homeless people energy in the form of money, but rather I give my energy in the form of presence. I always make it a habit to look the person in the eyes when I kindly say "No" and offer them my presence, a greeting or a blessing.

A homeless person blessing me, this is a first.

I was a bit taken off-gaurd, as there are never homeless people in this part LA. Hollywood, Sunset, yeah sure. But the corner of the Beverly Center? Never before in my 11 years here. I have to confess, I was trying to determine if he was doing this to everyone in a crazy 'hearing voices' kinda way, or was he just doing this for me. And I realized he was purposely getting my attention.

He starts to talk some more in words I can not understand and makes the hand sign for money and shakes his head "no".

I forget that I am leaving Stacy a message and through my sunglasses and my tinted front window, I’m nodding back with my hands at my heart saying “thank you”.

While he is still rambling, he makes his way over to the drivers side. I want to hear what he is saying to me and I want him to see me thank him, so I roll down my darkened front window. As he approaches he is continuing to make the sign of the cross and blessing me and now I can hear his words, “No money. No Money. I see you. You see the truth. It is in your eyes. I see you. ”

At this point he is next to my window rambling blessings and thank yous on and on. To respect him, I take off my sunglasses so I can see him and look into his eyes while I say, “Thank you for your blessing.” And he looks right at me and says again, “No money. Thank you. You have given me so much already. More that I could want for this day. I am filled. Your eyes. They see the truth. Thank you. Thank you. Bless you."

And as he backs off while bowing to the corner of Beverly and La Cienega, I try to re-assess what just happened.

The light turns green and I do one quick turn to look at him before I go and he is still there, on the sidewalk he continues to making the sign of the cross and point at me while saying, "Bless you. Thank you, You have given me so much."

As the light turned green I feel warm, cleansing tears caress my face. Drop by drop they slowly rolled down.

I tell Ana Paula what just happened and she replies, "I have chills. You have just met one of God's many angels. Wow!"

I am in awe.

celebrate your noses hairs!!!

This was a big weekend for me. I went public with my professional life on Saturday and then public with my personal life on Sunday. I'm pretty proud of myself and the courage I have shown to be seen in my truth. And I'm tired. I forget how much energy I spend in just plan old "being".

I finally made my way out of my business partner, Ana Paula's, house today. It is always bitter sweet as I love being around families (and home cooked meals), but I'm ready to be back in my own bed. And it is always an extra treat being with AP, as she is Brazilian. The Brazilian lifestyle is ever present in her daily life as we sip tea and drink coffee throughout the day, sharing endless stories, checking our emails, planning business strategies, napping and chatting with whoever shows up as we move from the kitchen to the den to the garden and back into the kitchen again.

I moved slowly out of her house into our loft/office space where we held a peer review for the doula's in our agency. I went to the peer review, doing the Florida shuffle as I progressed, not because I 'have to', but because I want to. I'm a self proclaimed birth junky! Sharing stories and supporting each other feeds my soul! That's a picture some of us today goofing around.

I've started taking my anti-biotics and am tired, as I can feel my white blood cells decline. I am also having more neuropathy, but I know that if I rest and get more sleep then the tingling and sharp jabbing electrical bolts will ease up (at least that is what happened before round 3). I am walking slowly, I have to take big breaths and I'm having these funny sensations in my nose when I breath in because I no longer have nose hairs! And I looked!! it is so very strange. It is like breathing in New York City air on a crisp fall morning. The difference is, in New York you can choose to go inside and warm up, getting away from the light tingling sensation. I can't. Again, no one told me about this loss either!

And all I can do is sit here and laugh.

This is so ridiculous!

I am just gonna have to get used to my precious air warming/filter system - which I admit I had never appreciated before - being offically GONE! and there is nothing to be done until they grow back! Not a thing! Anyways, I have more important things to do... like watch another movie!

Alright, I guess I'll just add this one to my ever growing list of my new state of 'normalcy'.

Whatever!

Blue Orb Update

After Sufi read my post she emailed me to let me know about the blue orb imagery.

This time around she was guided to turn the chemo into blue orbs instead of hawks. The blue orbs were a transporters or bubbles "carrying the word 'opening' since the cancer has gotten very smart building doors. The orbs look harmless to the cancer unlike the hawk formations and the word opens the way."

Okay, for those of you not into the energetics of this adventure, I know blue orbs are a bit 'woo-woo'. But what I think you will find as interesting as I do is how Sufi's intuition concurs with my second opinion doctor.

The second opinion doctor told me that there is a new treatment by UCLA for my kind of cancer that is not as toxic as TAC, but is only about 5 years old in the breast cancer 'data' world. He said that if he was treating me, he'd use TAC too. But, if TAC should not work OR if the cancer got smart and learned how to fight the TAC protocol, I still have another chemo option to try.

My understanding is that sometimes cancer becomes like longer hair... it can build up a tolerance to the same shampooo.... so sometimes you gotta switch shampoos to get the same result!

What is interesting to me is that I never told Sufi this detail. All on her own she came up with 1) changing the imagery and 2) changing it because the cancer is getting smart!

It thrills me when there is tangible validation for our intuition!