Friday, November 28, 2008

I am not suffering from Chemo

I woke up this morning knowing in my heart without a shadow of a doubt, that as I get ready to turn 40 I want to give myself the biggest gift I can: I want to forgive myself.

I come from a long line of not only non-forgiver, but also grudge holders. And I am by no means innocent in either of these departments. I have burned plenty a past bridge with my low self esteem, bitter judgments, angry ego and narcissistic wounding.

I know all the words for 'forgiveness' and have practiced them for years with my spiritual teacher. I have been humbly taking baby steps with myself and others, as I play the game "Whose The Grown Up". To feel a drive inside me these days between chemo is rare, and I know that the golden ticket for me is to take a big step and start really forgiving myself for all the abuse and suffering I have created on myself and others.

So I let myself be led and picked up a book I was gifted by my Aussie friend Nickers:

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE UNIVERSE

Straight Talk About Illusions, Past Lives, Religion,
Sex, Politics, and the Miracles of Forgiveness

by Gary R. Renard

And then I kept hearing a conversation I had with my cousin yesterday who felt 'bad' for me having to go through all this 'suffering' with the chemo going over and over again in my mind. Then the the impulse to cry and write moved through me. And when that impulse comes through me, I feel good, because I know some clarity is right around the corner.

People, I am not suffering from the chemo, but rather I suffer from a place in my mind that thinks that I am not only separate from God, but that within that illusion of separateness I can control what I think my life should look like!

People talk about how Jesus died suffering on the cross. In my direct experiences of Jesus, I was shown that he did not suffer. The suffering that was experienced was our projections onto him from our place of consciousness. This dude was so connected to God, to the truth, to understanding how our world is a true illusion of separation, that he did not experience suffering!

So, let me bring it down a notch and talk about the chemo and what I know the difference to be between suffering and pain. What I do is support people in knowing and feeling the difference for a living. A woman who chooses to labor at home without drugs is not 'suffering'. Yes, she might be in 'pain', but she can do it! I trust in the essence of her and know she and the baby know exactly what to do. And yes, it might hurt, but that hurt and pain does not mean she has to stop and not birth the baby at home.

And there are so many variations on birthing, because there are so many people at so many different places in their consciousness. From scheduling a c-section to having a painless home birth and everything in between - AND THERE ARE NO WRONG CHOICES!!!

But having a painless childbirth does not make one better at birthing or mothering than one who chooses an epidural. What I feel is important is the "how" in which that mother feels with her choice. Is she choosing from a place of power in knowing herself? or is she going against every bone in her body and feeling beat down with guilt and shame? And I have watched lots of home births that have involved suffering and trauma and scheduled cesarean births where the gates of heaven have opened up and the birds sang! I feel the trick is to honor where each mother is in her consciousness and say, "Good for you!! You know your body well enough to choose an epidural!" or "Good for you, you know your body well enough to birth the baby at home!'

It is same with my experience of cancer. Yes, I am experiencing pain, but I get to choose what I want to do with that pain. Sometimes I choose to vomit and other times I choose the anti-nausea medication. Sometimes I bitch and moan, other times I moan and laugh. I can choose to kill myself and end my life in the physical body or go to an alternative healing spa in Mexico and everything in between. And as I mentioned earlier in my blog, as I was shown in my meditation to the Akashick records, the end result to my life will be the same, it does not matter! Life is just a bunch of lessons to be learned, and my way out is through chemo. And now I understand why: to learn about abuser and abused at the same time.

What does matter to me is the 'how' I navigate this place and my 'attitude' in regard to my choices.

I know I have chosen to experience what it feels like to not only be the abuser of my body but at the same time the abused! How crazy and beautiful is that! I am making this conscious choice so that I may wake up and know that abuse and suffering is not a part of God! But in order for me to get there, I have to take all the god damn steps and sit in the insanity of that choice and experience it, because I am pretty damn sure this is not the first time I have chosen to abuse myself nor received abuse. But this is the choice of abusing myself that I hope to God will wake me up so that I can step out of this fuckin' insanity of thinking that anything that has to do pain and suffering is part of God's creation! And within that I hope that I can finally know if my heart and being what God actually is!

And dare I say it? Yes, I will. My job is not to identify with the suffering and pain, but honor it, know it is there and forgive it for being there. My job is to for once and for all understand that I am being offered lessons of forgiveness so I can remember that I am not separate from God. I know now what it is I am supposed to let go of: the illusion that my mind has created in thinking I am separate from God. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the place of the unhealthy 'ego' or the I that so many books, philosophies and teachers talk of. Forgiving myself is not only hard work for me, but my way out!

I have said over and over again, I am NOT a victim of cancer. In the same way that there is a part of me that called me into midwifery, there is a part of me that created cancer. I'm just frustrated as to who that part is! I want to know who she is and to have her stop creating dreams and cancer and come out of the closet and be part of me!

For those of you who do not know, I am the reluctant midwife. I did not become a midwife because I think it is a better way of birthing. I came into being a midwife because I kept having dreams that I was catching babies being born out of mothers and into my hands and I would look up and go, "I don't know what to do?". I became a midwife not because I watched the puppies being born under my bed, had a bad experience at a hospital, I believe in the goddess or can feel mother earth talking to me when I garden (which I am trying to make an effort at actually doing; but as my friends know, I have no desire to spend my free time with my hands in the dirt!) Growing up I also believed that the safest place to birth a baby was in a hospital with the doctor (who was personified as God) telling me what to do! I choose to become a midwife based on the relentless, crazy ass dreams before I had even witnessed childbirth! I became a midwife not from a place of experience, but if anything a place of judgment about the craft.

As a Jewish girl from the east coast I grew up with no inkling of God, (or G-d) within me. I thought literally that God was a man outside of me who controlled things and created laws that made no sense to my feeling body. My choices as I saw them was to blindly abide by them or not participate. I know that I am Jewish by tradition, and proud of that tradition. But, I by no means am Jewish as a religion nor do I believe in religion as a whole. I jumped ship when religion said that God is about politics, war, no tolerance for other humans beliefs and battle over land.

I am angry that all the interpretations of the stories I was taught seemed to be about G-d and man being the savior on the white horses to save the day or teachings about elitism and separation from other humans. I am angry that my teachings of G-d did not teach me what I feel are the most important aspects of God: love, forgiveness and trust! And I am angry that religion does not teach about the most important gift from God: Free will!! I have been gifted the power within me to choose! People, there is nothing to be fixed or saved! Only lessons and experiences to find more places for us to love and forgive ourselves and others!

And I know, deep down inside of me, from the place that is still thinking I am separate from God, I view my decision to becoming a midwife as suffering, because is it not what I planned to do with my life, and it does not support the lifestyle that I wanted!

And yet, at the same time, I can connect to the places where I called myself into midwifery to learn I am not separate from God! And in that place I can feel gratitude and midwifery is a crazy ass fantastic, soul satisfying amazing job! And in that place I know God is joy and love!

And then I drop back down to here.

I have learned SO much about myself, others and the world since I was led on the journey to become a midwife. I can literally FEEL that I live less by what my 'mind' thinks I should do, and more by what 'The God Place Within Me' is asking me to do as I continue to show up for the fast soul learning curve of midwifery and cancer.

And in doing so, by showing up to become a midwife, I have been letting go rather quickly my minds view of my life, and let go of attachments to what I thought my life should look like.

And as I go through chemo I am entering into an even deeper layer of letting go of my mind. As I have expressed, I literally forget everything and can no longer feel a purpose. And lately, my brain is not just slipping, but melting away. Time makes no sense to me. I miss appointments and don't even have the memory to get angry at myself for missing the appointment! Operating heavy machinery and catching babies would not be safe at the moment!

And just like a car that is on the highway home that can sometimes get off at the wrong exit, get stuck in an accident or need to rest and refuel, it still reaches its destination in the end. This long journey that I am taking might be hard, and I might take the wrong exit, but I know that I am being led back onto the highway home as I still trust I am being guided in the world that I have created.

And I know I have created the calling into midwifery the same way I have called in the cancer in the same way I have created everything else in my life... from my choice of parents, to my supportive friends... from abusing other to abusing myself...

And how amazing is it that in this lifetime not only do I get to witness life happen literally right in front of me; but now, with cancer I am having first hand experience of witnessing death within me!

Yes, it really is that simple, but it is not that easy! It is hard fuckin' work, but don't pity me; rather, pity yourself that you can not see the beauty of my experience with your own eyes!

If you would like to do something for me, then trust me, my choices and my journey home to knowing I am not separate from God.

I am a seeker. I always have been and always will.

And I am gently starting to understand from inside of me that my "I" has created all of "This" (cancer/midwifery, my life to date..) at the "Earth School of Forgiveness" so that I may know myself better and know God within me as I find my way back home....

or something like that....

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I can't feel much these days...


Vera and I have birthdays 2 days apart, so we decided to treat ourselves to an outrageous Sushi lunch followed by some girly time getting make-overs and splurging on new cosmetics.

While driving home Vera giggled, "Now that is what I call a great spiritual experience! We should do this more often!"

And I smiled back at her and waited for the confirmation of what a great time I had to move me.

But it didn't.

And I had a choice. I could turn to Vera with a fake smile on my face and laugh, "Me too!" But I loved myself and respected our friendship too much to lie.

So, I turned to Vera and said the truth, "Vera, I know deep down inside I had a great time too. But I'm sad that I can't feel the excitement I used to feel anymore."

And she knows what I am saying. It is not personal about what we did, but it is more about what is going on with me and my body.

There is a strange survival mechanism that I am witnessing in my body: detachment. I believe it is there to help me get through chemo hell by forgetting and conserving my energy - and I believe in the genius of my body to create this, and I am uncomfortable with how foreign it feels.

I've already talked about the loss of short term memory. And the plus side to this is just like a mom who forgets the pain of labor, I forget the pain of chemo. Also, not remembering makes is harder to 'control' things - which I'm getting better at - and it is easier to keep showing up!

This detachment makes it very difficult to access my emotions. I've rarely had lows in the past, and I know that I have a lot of excitement about life. But I can not find it in these moments. It is like my inside emotions have become a big bowl of overcooked, cold oatmeal mush. It is not depresssion, but a big bowl of 'nothing'.

And I get scared. I barely recognize myself anymore! What am I going to do without excitement and motivation to move me forward? Why would I want to do anything? Where did my Joie de Vive go?

Excitement is so foreign to me now that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday because I'll have to put on a fake cheesy smile to make other people comfortable with my lack of excitement. I can't feel anything!

I am a master when it comes to being 'happy'. I am one of those innately positive people, and I learned at a young age that I could regulate others emotions by creating 'happy' situations. Therefor, most of my life has been built around 'staying positive' with my inner excitement bubbling up around me to move me forward and sometimes even persuading others to join me/do something - because I have been known to be contagious in my enthusiasm.

And as I know from my studies in Chinese Medicine, sometimes "too much joy" can be unbalancing. And I know from my personal experience that too much enthusiasm can create denial, ungroundedness and gets me into trouble as I move too fast without pausing. (Anyone out there remembering my marriage in my 20's will know exactly what I am talking about!)

And sometime before all this midwifery/cancer stuff happened, I decided that if my excitement can be contagious, then I better be damn sure that what I am saying/doing is done in a responsible way with my own inner clarity (hence this long ass spiritual journey I have been on).

The upside to this 'no feeling place' is I find I am quieter. I am conserving more energy because I am not putting so much energy out in front of me. I'm finally able to think before I speak and ask questions. I can feel pauses and space. I can feel the lows, name them and not be scared of them. I feel anger, sadness, lethargy, disappointment, unhappiness and no one is dying. And if others do get hurt by it and do not want to be in a healthy relationship with me over their own feelings, then that is their loss and their problem.

This 'nothing' place is an uncomfortable place for me because it is so unknowns, but it is so much more relaxing here.

And I start to get excited to see who I will become with this new way of being when all of this cancer stuff is over....

Monday, November 24, 2008

Winning the Mascetomy Lottery!!

I have yet to write about this process, because somewhere, deep in my psyche I have been hoping that I would get a magical phone call from the doctors that says, "Elizabeth, we can't believe it! The cancer is gone from your breast and lymphs and there is no reason for you having surgery!"

I did get a magical phone call, but it was not what I expected, but far beyond what I could have created...

In order for me to shut, lock, seal and nail the breast cancer door shut, I have known in my heart that I will need to offer up both of my breasts in the form of a double masectomy. If you were to research the 'numbers', I have more chance of having breast cancer in other parts of my body then I do in having it re-occur in the right breast. But, if I was to believe in the 'numbers', I would not be writing this blog to begin with!

That is why I love Dr. F. She gets me. She also believes that even though we do not have the data, there is something about my breast DNA that creates cancer. Therefor, since I am young, both of us believe that for me to live a cancer free life the best course of action is to get rid of my number one and only risk factor: my breasts!

In the search for a plastic surgeon to help with my breast re-construction, Dr. F was very aware that having any more out of pocket expenses, like a great Beverly Hills plastic surgeon would not be supportive of my healing process. So, she suggested a staff surgeon at Cedars that my insurance would pay for.

Dr. S had just moved to Cedars as a staff Plastic Surgeon from USC this July. He has a reputation for being really good at his job, but Dr. K did warned me to not expect a lot of his time or a warm bedside manner.

Brenda, my breast friend specialist, is world renown for her natural breasts as one of the Wonderbra models. So, I thought it fitting that she should be in charge of my new breast! Brenda has happily been researching all my surgical options on line and joyfully coming with me to every meeting.

When we both met Dr. S we were shocked as his disrespect for us (as he continued to refer to us as "gals") and his confusion is explaining my options. So at the end of our meeting, admist my confusions I asked him, "So Dr. S, Dr. F said that because I will be having radiation to the breast after the surgery, a lateral flap surgery would be my best option so the skin does not shirk wrap around the implants." This is when the dragon reared his ugly head. In a dismissive tone he replied, "Elizabeth, I would not tell you how to delivery a baby, therefore Dr. F should not tell me what surgery to perform and I will not tell her how to remove the cancer!"

Brenda and I were at a loss for words. It is one thing to disagree and choose ones words, it is quite another thing to be rude and dismissive of a Doctor I trust a hell of a lot more than this arrogant ass.

We both left scratching our heads and Brenda chippered, "Well, his arrogance might work in our favor so he can show off his work with your breasts. Anyways you don't need him for good beside manners, you've got me and Dr. F for that!" And in the next sentence, "Lets get a second, third and forth opinion."

I was dumbfounded and sad that my decision was going to be made on my economic situation and not artestry and kindness. How would I ever let this insecure, arrogant, confusing, rude and distrustful man not just touch my breasts but leave his work on my body forever?

So, we went to get a second opinion from a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills who was highly recommended.

Dr. Lisa Cassileth was BEYOND fantastic. Granted, the Beverly Hills office is a far cry from the 1960's decor of Cedars. But still, we were greeted with smiles and offers of libations. We were given a DVD to watch to lay the foundation for our choices. And then when Dr. C arrived I explained how my financial situation may not make her an option, she happily agreeded to answer all of my questions so I could be comfortable with choosing a staff physician if that is what I wanted.

2 hours later we emerged happy and clear. I knew that the new microsurgery (called a DIEP surgery) that Dr. C and her partner offer was exactly what I wanted. It meant that the muscles of my body would not have to be re-arranged to create new breast, and the blood supply that was needed would be delicately brought up from my abdomin. She also showed her excitement in using my own fat to create natural curves, drops and lifts in my breast ever after the radiation. And by using my own fat I would also be bringing up stem cells to heal that area!

Her passion for me to not only look good but also feel good brought me to tears. I left knowing I would have to manifest double digits in the thousands because that was who I wanted on my team.

A week later, after round 5 of chemo I called her assistant back to be greeted by the following news:

"Elizabeth, Dr. C has been wanting to start a non-profit for years now to give back to the community. This non-profit has not started yet, in fact there is no name for it. But the idea is to offer Dr. C's services to a few women every year who are in finacial need due to the cancer who would otherwise not be able to afford her services. Dr. C would like to extend to you her out of pocket services that your insurance does not cover from this non-profit."

Even in this moment I well up with tears when I think about this generous offer from Dr. C. I let them know admist my tears that not only was I overwhelmed by this unexpected offer, but that I would be happy to be their non-profit post child!!

This is beyond anything that I could have ever made happen.

Once again I am shown that I continue to by guided by unseen forces, as the red carpet continues to be rolled out for my healing journey through cancer.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Finally, the words have found me

It isn't that I hate my life, it is just that I don't recognize it any more.

I don't understand how 4 days after round 5 of chemo is still supposed to be called "living"?

Being productive no longer defines my life. Making money is not a motivating factor. Fantasizing that one day I will be married and have children is no longer anywhere near the radar.

What I am is a bald chic with cancer, chemo, death and destruction surging through her body.

I lie around napping, taking Ambien when I can't sleep, watching movie after movie, trying to eat, taking deep breaths to get in more oxygen, wincing every so often at the neuropathy, forgetting almost everything that is thought or said to me, attempting not to get overwhelmed by other people's emotions... and this is called 'living'?

I can not think of one thing that keeps me here on Earth. I don't have a child, I have not found my 'other half', and there are lots of really great midwives out there. Even on my good days when I am laughing and enjoying, I keep waiting for "the point" of life to hit me over the head like a brick.

Anna W. asked me if I am scared of dieing on thursday.

I laughed.

"No. Not really. Put it this way, I stopped planning when I got cancer. I have absolutely no idea what Gods plan is for me. I have no idea if I'm going to be living or dieing. But one thing I do know, If I do leave and go into the non-physical form, I sure know how to contact all the people I love and bother them!"

I am clear that I am not going to commit suicide, because why would I leave this version of the 'unknown', where I have lots of support in the familar and choose to leave for the "unknown" in the unfamilar? Now that sounds crazy to me.

But, if God's plan is for me to leave, then I'm not too fussed, coz I feel dead inside anyways.

As I write this I can feel tears again. I can feel myself connecting with something, but I have no idea what.

God it feels so good to actually be able to cry.

Now, if only I could remember why I'm crying....