I have settled into a world of simplicity.
My days start when I wake up and then progress into Radiation at 10:30am, every weekday for 6 weeks. I'm usually exhausted by 6:30pm. They say that is a side effect of radiation: body exhaustion.
Everything centers around radiation.
I don't resist it anymore, it is more that I witness myself and how I journey through it.
Sometimes I arrive early and they take me early.
Sometimes I arrive on time and they are running late.
One day I arrive chipper. Another I arrive tired. Still another I arrive with humor.
I arrive on my cell phone talking to a mom in labor, or the insurance company, or my mother.
Every once in a while I settle into the waiting room in my blue gown and start typing away on the computer as though I'm sitting at my office desk while I wait to be paged for my turn.
I have two days where I call from the bed of a mom who has just given birth at home to let them know I'm at work. I will definitely not be coming to the 10:30 appointment today, is there an afternoon appointment available?
Another day I call them at 8:00am to see if they can take me ASAP coz I wanna join the kids at the school assembly at the time I normally have to be at Cedars.
Weekends are weird for me, coz I actually have 2 days off! I haven't had 2 days off from something in a long time.
There was that one time where I was on time, lieing in the cold room with my body in position - left arm raised, left breast exposed - and the machine decided not to work. It needed to be re-calibrated. I was given a warm blanket and lied there for an extra 15 minutes as I watched the fingers of the machine tic, tic, tick away.
I've been doing this for 5 weeks straight now. Lately I stare into space at home, watching myself allow the minutes to pass by, when I should be gettin' a groove on and driving to Cedars. One after the other, time ticks forward and I'm still sitting. I'm not wondering or thinking anything. All I do is make myself late for the appointment.
My left breast is starting to get discolored with radiation burn. Just like a sunburn, it will go away sometime in the future. I slather the cream on religiously 4 times a day. Sometimes I forget because I'm at a birth, or enjoying my time and it gets a bit pinker.
The guy at the Juice Bar knows me know, coz I go every day after radiation. He just says, "The usual?".
I nod and continue on my day, just like everyone else in the world, not knowing what is around the corner or how I'll feel about it in the moment.
In the words of Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid, "Not everything is as it seems".
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