The lethargy and nothingness is starting to get a bit dibiliating in my eyes.
Dr. G and I check out my Red Blood Count because I am convinced that this level of lethargy has to be physilogical and related to low iron levels. And it is not. My Red Blood count is way within normal. I'm shocked it really is hormonal!
I have decided to move in with Rima and the kids, as I do not want to isolate myself. It is easy to get lost when you live on your own, but being around the kids will support my healing. I have been trying to get out of my house and into her's for 2 days, and it is taking FOREVER to do so!
Wednesday night I have dinner plans with some mommy friends of mine. I'm walking slow. I am tired. But I know that with people who love me is helpful for this place.
While there I start to explain how I am feeling. How strange this 'blah' place is. How far away my inner voice of health is. How I could lie in bed for days on end if I let myself. How I have no motivation to do anything. How I could give two shits about anything. How tired I feel. How not myself I feel. How I feel like I am observing the thoughts and feelings of a stranger.
They all look at me and kinda snicker, "Yup! Now you know how a post partum mom feels!"
And I finally get it.
Our hormones control so much of our mood. And when the hormones are crazy and all over the place, us women can feel 'crazy and all over the place' - and it is not that we did or are doing something wrong! We really are out of balance. And it feels: not right.
And the way that nature creates these circumstances is that the mom has the baby as motivation to move forward and out of this plexie-glass box.
"What is my motivation?" I ask inwardly?
And I hear back the usual: nothing.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Sitting in the ashes.
When I go to see Dr. G today he asks the prefunctory, "So, how are you?"
I look at him and reply, "From where do you want me to answer that questions? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically?"
"Well, lets take them one at a time."
"Physically my nose and eyes are running all the time. It is like a faucet. There is a burning sensation in my nose when I breath in. The edema is very slightly pitting, nothing alarming. I'm no longer needing the ambien to sleep this week. The neuropathy seems to have abated perhaps due to the raw milk? I've got a severe case of lethary. I nap quite often. I forget everything. I'm eating more than I need to because I can't feel hunger cues anymore. No nausea or vomitting. The hot flashes are not good times. Oh, and I don't have my period anymore."
Dr. G gives me a compassionate nod as I share my growing list of new complaints. I know he has never experienced chemo, but I like his compassionate nods. I know he has some kind of spiritual training somewhere.
So I take a chance.
"Dr. G, do you know the story of the Phoenix that rises out of the ashes?"
"Yes. I do."
(For those of you who do not know of the story, the Mythical bird, the Phoenix "near the end (of its life) builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again." - Wikipedea)
"Well, that is what is going on with me Dr. G. I have a serve case of the 'blahs'. I am sitting in the ashes. I am nothing. Absolute nothingness."
It is so hard to remember that this 'blah' is not who I am.
It is so difficult to know that this will pass and become a memory of some another time.
So I sit and I wait.
At some point to be born again, a new.
And I can see that Dr. G gets it.
(The artwork I found online is called Phoenix......from Ashes, by lovelychristina: http://lovelycristina.deviantart.com/art/phoenix-from-ashes-75377132?offset=90)
I look at him and reply, "From where do you want me to answer that questions? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically?"
"Well, lets take them one at a time."
"Physically my nose and eyes are running all the time. It is like a faucet. There is a burning sensation in my nose when I breath in. The edema is very slightly pitting, nothing alarming. I'm no longer needing the ambien to sleep this week. The neuropathy seems to have abated perhaps due to the raw milk? I've got a severe case of lethary. I nap quite often. I forget everything. I'm eating more than I need to because I can't feel hunger cues anymore. No nausea or vomitting. The hot flashes are not good times. Oh, and I don't have my period anymore."
Dr. G gives me a compassionate nod as I share my growing list of new complaints. I know he has never experienced chemo, but I like his compassionate nods. I know he has some kind of spiritual training somewhere.
So I take a chance.
"Dr. G, do you know the story of the Phoenix that rises out of the ashes?"
"Yes. I do."
(For those of you who do not know of the story, the Mythical bird, the Phoenix "near the end (of its life) builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again." - Wikipedea)
"Well, that is what is going on with me Dr. G. I have a serve case of the 'blahs'. I am sitting in the ashes. I am nothing. Absolute nothingness."
It is so hard to remember that this 'blah' is not who I am.
It is so difficult to know that this will pass and become a memory of some another time.
So I sit and I wait.
At some point to be born again, a new.
And I can see that Dr. G gets it.
(The artwork I found online is called Phoenix......from Ashes, by lovelychristina: http://lovelycristina.deviantart.com/art/phoenix-from-ashes-75377132?offset=90)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
labor every 3 weeks
After round 3 I get a lot of:
"Wow! Elizabeth. You are half way through. That must feel so good!"
"No, actually, I still have 3 more to go."
I explain it like this to my friends who have given birth:
Okay, so with your first baby you really have no idea what is involved. You might be a bit scared, a bit excited, a bit nervous, but you know you can do this. You have read the books, you have been eating well and exercizing. You feel prepared to go into labor.
And while in labor you go into the unknown, you have great support, it gets a bit painful, you throw-up, you sweat, you get restless, your tired as hell, you nap, your frustrated you can't control it, maybe you take some drugs and sleep and in the end you give birth to your baby and it is over.
Now, imagine 2 years later you choose to have baby number two. You have forgotten how long that last labor was, the pain is not as tangible as it was on that day, you have a bit more knowledge and wisdom, but it is still uncontrollable. Never the less you do it. This labor has echos of the last one, but it is not the same as there are never 2 labors that are the same. Maybe you choose to do it without the drugs this time, or maybe you decided to walk in the door and get the epidural before anything starts... but either way, you are at it again, back into the unknown, it lasts for 3 days and there is low grade nausea the whole time BUT you come out the other side with a baby!
Then out of nowhere, you get pregnant with baby number three and you think to yourself, "Yup, I'm gonna have this one, even though it is unplanned, and THAT IS IT!!" You are clear that you are done birthing kids. And you go through the unknown again, a bit more tired coz you already have 2 kids at home, but in the end you have another baby.
Well, my journey with chemo is kinda like that... I know that I am done, except, I still have 3 more labors to go through!
I am asked to go into labor 6 times every 3 weeks and I don't have any kids to show for the effort!
And yes, I can choose to stop this at any point in time, but it just is not my way. I know I am supposed to move forward with the western medicine.
And I try and find a way to move forward, but the truth is I have to stop 'trying' and just have to let the way come to me, because my way of 'trying' couldn't prevent breast cancer in the first place. And, I'm just too tired to figure anything out anymore. My brain is mush. (literally).
So, I keep showing up to what is real for me in this moment. And for the past few days "this moment" has included a whole lot of nothing.
"Wow! Elizabeth. You are half way through. That must feel so good!"
"No, actually, I still have 3 more to go."
I explain it like this to my friends who have given birth:
Okay, so with your first baby you really have no idea what is involved. You might be a bit scared, a bit excited, a bit nervous, but you know you can do this. You have read the books, you have been eating well and exercizing. You feel prepared to go into labor.
And while in labor you go into the unknown, you have great support, it gets a bit painful, you throw-up, you sweat, you get restless, your tired as hell, you nap, your frustrated you can't control it, maybe you take some drugs and sleep and in the end you give birth to your baby and it is over.
Now, imagine 2 years later you choose to have baby number two. You have forgotten how long that last labor was, the pain is not as tangible as it was on that day, you have a bit more knowledge and wisdom, but it is still uncontrollable. Never the less you do it. This labor has echos of the last one, but it is not the same as there are never 2 labors that are the same. Maybe you choose to do it without the drugs this time, or maybe you decided to walk in the door and get the epidural before anything starts... but either way, you are at it again, back into the unknown, it lasts for 3 days and there is low grade nausea the whole time BUT you come out the other side with a baby!
Then out of nowhere, you get pregnant with baby number three and you think to yourself, "Yup, I'm gonna have this one, even though it is unplanned, and THAT IS IT!!" You are clear that you are done birthing kids. And you go through the unknown again, a bit more tired coz you already have 2 kids at home, but in the end you have another baby.
Well, my journey with chemo is kinda like that... I know that I am done, except, I still have 3 more labors to go through!
I am asked to go into labor 6 times every 3 weeks and I don't have any kids to show for the effort!
And yes, I can choose to stop this at any point in time, but it just is not my way. I know I am supposed to move forward with the western medicine.
And I try and find a way to move forward, but the truth is I have to stop 'trying' and just have to let the way come to me, because my way of 'trying' couldn't prevent breast cancer in the first place. And, I'm just too tired to figure anything out anymore. My brain is mush. (literally).
So, I keep showing up to what is real for me in this moment. And for the past few days "this moment" has included a whole lot of nothing.
Monday, October 20, 2008
eating is not the problem
I thought I was supposed to loose my appetite? I thought that this was my chance at finally fitting into my skinny jeans?
"Hungry?"
Whatever.
If it is front of me, I eat. And I eat a lot.
If it is not in front of me, I don't eat until I am overwhelmed by low blood sugar.
"Cookie?"
Okay.
"Mash Potatoes?"
Alright.
1 serving. 5 servings.
cooked food. raw food.
preservatives. whole grain.
There is no difference.
I can barely feel when I am hungry anymore and feeling full is a struggle. It is not that I have lost my appetite, it is more that I no longer can feel the signals. I don't particularly 'crave' anything. But if it is put in front of me I eat it. I am so unconscious about what I want.
And I am so unclear about my hunger messages.
In the past I have had various unhealthy eating habits. From shoveling chocolate into my mouth to my addiction to structured 'cleanses' to trying to control my eating with raw foods. I lived with limitations under the disguise of 'healthy eating', but it was always an effort and it never flowed.
I craved to be one of those people whose body would tell them what to eat and would not overeat. I wanted to join the mass amounts of people whose body would actually signal to them, "You are full" and feel it. I wanted to be one of those people who when they said "No" to sweets, it was a non issue and I really meant "no" because they really didn't want it. Not the other kind of person who was constantly fighting with the inner deamons that said, "Why not? Just eat the whole cake! Who knows when you will ever get another home-made desert!"
And I got there. As of March of this year, after a culmination of various therapies, I fell into a joyful place with my eating habits that did not take up my time or attention. I could hear my body, it would speak to me of healthy choices and eating became a non issue! I was dancing with my body's needs and loving my body.
Until this week.
I have not felt this way about food and nourishing myself in a long time.
And how I am relating to food is how I feel about life at the moment - blah.
And it bothers me.
Yet another side effect of the un-regulated hormones - which do regulate hunger.
Fucking hormones. Who had any idea that they control SO much!
"Hungry?"
Whatever.
If it is front of me, I eat. And I eat a lot.
If it is not in front of me, I don't eat until I am overwhelmed by low blood sugar.
"Cookie?"
Okay.
"Mash Potatoes?"
Alright.
1 serving. 5 servings.
cooked food. raw food.
preservatives. whole grain.
There is no difference.
I can barely feel when I am hungry anymore and feeling full is a struggle. It is not that I have lost my appetite, it is more that I no longer can feel the signals. I don't particularly 'crave' anything. But if it is put in front of me I eat it. I am so unconscious about what I want.
And I am so unclear about my hunger messages.
In the past I have had various unhealthy eating habits. From shoveling chocolate into my mouth to my addiction to structured 'cleanses' to trying to control my eating with raw foods. I lived with limitations under the disguise of 'healthy eating', but it was always an effort and it never flowed.
I craved to be one of those people whose body would tell them what to eat and would not overeat. I wanted to join the mass amounts of people whose body would actually signal to them, "You are full" and feel it. I wanted to be one of those people who when they said "No" to sweets, it was a non issue and I really meant "no" because they really didn't want it. Not the other kind of person who was constantly fighting with the inner deamons that said, "Why not? Just eat the whole cake! Who knows when you will ever get another home-made desert!"
And I got there. As of March of this year, after a culmination of various therapies, I fell into a joyful place with my eating habits that did not take up my time or attention. I could hear my body, it would speak to me of healthy choices and eating became a non issue! I was dancing with my body's needs and loving my body.
Until this week.
I have not felt this way about food and nourishing myself in a long time.
And how I am relating to food is how I feel about life at the moment - blah.
And it bothers me.
Yet another side effect of the un-regulated hormones - which do regulate hunger.
Fucking hormones. Who had any idea that they control SO much!
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