Saturday, January 10, 2009

Post Op details


After I left Sufi, my cancer partner in crime, behind in the waiting room, I walked into the pre-operating room where I was surrounded by my team of Loving Doctors... Dr. Schneider (my OB/GYN) - who was there co-incendently for another surgery, came by to say hi and hold my hand, Dr. Kristi Funk (my breast surgeon) was ready to go in and operate first and Dr. Lisa Cassileth (my plastic surgeon) was there to mark my breasts for Kristi. While lieing there looking up I saw the smiles of three beautiful women looking down at me, and I knew how blessed I am with having not only skilled, but loving doctors, who actually care about me as a patient and woman.

I actually felt safe and happy.

I gave my request to my doctors, "Please play whatever music will make you happy and enjoy yourselves! I trust you all and want to encourage you to let your artist self out and have fun!"

And I meant it.

The last thing I remember was being told in the operating room that the oxygen mask was being switched to something else that would put me to sleep.

10 hours later I remember yelling out, "Sufi! Sufi! Where are you Sufi?"

Sufi told me that someone went outside to the waiting room looking for because I was relentless in my drugged induced obsessive request for her presence. Next thing I remember is hearing from behind the curtain, "I'm a doula. I've been to c-sections before. I won't pass out."

I was in the recovery room coming in and out of consciousness. The rumour is I still had my sense of humor about me as I spouted off random bits of information and jokes (that I can't recall), until I made it to my post partum room on the 8th floor at 7:30pm.

There I was met by Rima, my parents and my new favorite person: Alyssa from Nebraska, my nurse.

It was there that I was introduced to my new breasts - which shockingly looked just like my old ones!

I knew that Dr. Funk was known for her skin sparing masectomies, but all the pictures at the doctors offices and web sites showed breast with huge scars from skin being transplanted from somewhere else, plus scars under the breasts and down the front... that is what I was expecting. I had prepared for the worst.

But what I was greeted to was my breast minus my nipples! I knew the nipples would be gone (there is some debate, but they are currently considered an organ, and as I have ductal cancer, that is the number one place for the cancer to grow, the nipple ducts, so they would need to go). But somehow Dr. Funk removed my nipples, scooped out all the breast tissue inside and the lymph on my left side, then Dr. Cassileth AND her Surgical Partner (that is 2 plastic surgeons) worked for 7 hours each to take all the fat from my belly to surgically sew it back into my breasts with vessels and arteries from my belly area. No muscle is needed in this procedure - which is called a DIEP Flap breast reconstruction.

I am hoping that after all the swelling has gone down that my breast will be aesthetically sound enough to NOT need any kind of implants. It will all depend on what it looks like in 3 weeks. I knew that some of my belly skin would be used to make new nipples, but I was expecting some of my belly skin to be used to make new breasts too! I was not expecting that all of my breast tissue - including my very own cleavage with its moles, freckles and normal wear and tear to greet me!

When I looked down my hospital gown, there they were, my 40 year old, over-sun exposed cleavage and breasts - but a bit fuller and higher up than I remembered. Granted, when I touched them I felt nothing in the breasts, (and I was also feeling no pain anywhere in my body - I'm a big huge fan of dilaudid); but, I could still feel all the familiar lumps and bumps in my finger tips! And I could still do one of my favorite things: pet my own cleavage!

And regarding the scaring - yes I will have a big scar on my bikini line from where they had to remove the skin and fat (and a flat as a board tummy left behind :) , but that was not a worry for me, because if they could get enough fat I will not need to have any implants. And on the breasts, the ONLY scars I have are around the nipple area. There are no scars under the breasts, or down the front of the breasts or anywhere else except the nipple area! And that is a no brainer, because it will all be covered up by a tatoo artists down the road.

Yes, there is more work to do as the swelling subsides and the fat settles into place, but I am BEYOND thrilled to look down and see the familiar.

I am constantly amazed at the grace and awe that continues to unfold in front of me.

Monday, January 5, 2009

endings and beginning

"What appears to be an ending, is perhaps a beginning." - anonymous

This is what I woke up to posted on the elevator at my parent's place. And it is very apprepo.

I am strangely excited. I feel so well supported. So loved, by so many.

I don't want to rush this place, or skip over any feelings, but what an opportunity I have to offer up all those old ways of being, my old beliefs to literally receive the new ways that I so so want to have in my life!

I'm being called into the pre-op room. I am told that I have to leave my valuables behind.... along with a lot of other things that I thought were valuable, but in actually, they really aren't....

I'll see everyone on the other side