I feel like a science experitment

Of course it figures that as soon as I am done with the chemo, I finally figure it out! (relatively speaking that is!)

The fasting for 2 days before had to be the best idea ever. The fact that I felt so good and had cooked food for lunch on Thursday had to be the worst idea ever. But I have to admit, I so look forward to a good retching! It feels fantastic to get it all O.U.T.! (BTW, that is me in my favorite chemo t-shirt!)

In my body, cooked food (acidic forming foods) and chemo do not mix! When I stick to the raw foods (the alkeline foods) I do much better with the nausea.

I think I have become a low grade nausea expert.

Low grade nausea WITH fluids collecting in the mouth- vomit to feel better
Low grade nausea WithOUT saliva in the mouth - means hunger - eat an apple to feel better.

I had two rounds of IV fluids this time, so I am not concerned about dehydration.

I also had two Lymphatic drainage massages and I think that helped to move the toxins out too. And, who doesn't love the touch of healing hands!

The thing that gets me now is that god damn shot (Neulasta) the day after to kick up my white blood cells. I can't believe how awful it makes me feel. My bones still aches, I have that 'run over by a truck' feeling and of course, I'm now doing the 'Old Man from Florida' shuffle.

I have yet to take any other medications for nausea or vomitting. And I am not trying to be a hero here, but I'm not suffering. Yeah, my body hurts when I move about the cabin, but I have no where to go. So feeling my body, feeling how human I am and being present with the small amount of pain (that is not random, but has a source) is not a problem for me.

Last night Ana Paula had some friends over for dinner. I got to chatting with one of the gals and she asked me, "Aren't you scared?"

I looked at her and replied honestly, "No." Because in that moment there was no fear - remembered or projected.

I'm not sure if it is my melted brain or a gift of spiritual presence, but even when I am scared it does not stick.

I'm amazed at how I am effortlessly living from one moment to the next, being present with my feelings that no longer define who I am or what actions I take.

I want so much to hold onto this way of being in the world! I want this new way of presence to stay with me as I continue on in my life.

And in this moment I am scared that I will loose that gift of present mind.

And then I cry.

And breathe.

And sigh.

And stare into space for a moment...

I find my midline and I settle into the next moment.

Round 6 is non eventful

I have new side effects of the chmo this time. My face is more swollen (thanks steroids!) and some swelling in my legs (yet another joy of pregnancy I get to experience). Canckles really are not fun. Because there was a bit more in my left than right leg, Dr. G wanted to do an ultra sound to rule out blood clots. Nothing there.

That's me in my winter Kangol (they make the best hats for us chemo chicks. Why don't people realize that bald chicks look awful in baseball caps??)

Luckily I was still able to squeeze in my before-chemo manicure - but just barely!

I am trying something new with my body this round. There are studies done on mice that say they fare better with the chemo when they are fasted for 48 hours. The idea is that when we go into 'starvation' mode, the healthy cells put up protection and the cancer cells do not have the ability. So, the healthy cells stay away from the side effects of the chemo and the cancer cells become more vulnerable and irradiated.

I've cleansed and fasted for years, so this was nothing new for me and made sense in my body. And to be honest, my body is not craving food. So, I listened, I stayed hydrated and had green drinks and told Dr. G - who is getting used to me by now.

In fact Dr. G congratulated me (and even hugged me!) and said how well I am doing for someone who refuses side effect meds as well as having great reactions to the chemo.

That being said, when Sufi and I arrived at 10pm at the infusion center, I checked in with my body and new that I needed Attivan. So I took that along with the two usual pre-meds: an antacid/nausea liquid and steroids.

Today things are going well. I had another nurse friend come over to give me an IV of fluids followed by another apple and some pasta. Then I went to have a lymphatic drainage massage, and came home craving raw meet, raw cream and young coconut water.

I'm not feeling nausea, but then again, to day is the day before the day after.... I'll let you know tomorrow!

getting ready for my last round

My last round of chemo and I am going through a whole range of emotions... one minute sadness... joy the next... and everything in between.

The sadness is the emotion that confuses me the most.

I am SO excited that I am going to be done with chemo. And if you are a reader of my blog you know that I'm done with abusing my body and the toxins.

In the same way that I hold space for families to give birth, I have been holding space for a battle to be fought in my body between the chemo and the cancer. And in the same way that I cry to my friends after a traumatic birth, I feel as though my whole body will be able to finally let go and cry and release when I no longer have to hold space for the traumatic abuse to my body.

And as I settle into the sadness I can feel deeper into it.

There is a fear inside that the chemo will not kill every last one of those fuckin' cancer cells in my body. There is a fear that if I go off the chemo then cancer will grow again. In a sick and twisted way I'm almost addicted to the chemo as a gaurentee that the cancer is no longer growing in my body!

I'm giving the chemo a lot of power, and it is time to take it back! The chemo is not preventing the cancer from returning... I AM am going to be part of that choice! And chemo and trust in Dr. G was my choice. I chose Chemo to fight the battle because I did not want too. I chose the fire to burn through me and singe all that I no longer need. I choose abuse in order to have lessons in how it feels to consciously be the abuser and abused at the same time.

And I choose to thank chemo for all it has taught me to date!

I am a completely different person both physically and spiritually from when I first sat down to write.

There is not much more that can be stripped away from me.

How I used to define who I am no longer exists - I have let go of my clients/work, shed my hair, released my perfectionist, melted my memory, embraced the freedom of not having my own child, detached from excitement, no longer react emotionally, drifted off into nothingness....

I'm no longer scared of nothingness.

It is just me, myself and I as I approach my last round of chemo and get ready for my surgery...

I feel more naked and vulnerable than I ever have, yet at the same time I feel a quiet peace that I have everything I need to walk into this round with God's Grace.

And I am ready to see what mystery lies within this round.

I can feel tears, again. That's a good thing.