Today is rumoured to be Saturday.

Thursday was a good day. No nausea. Full on eating of meals. My sister and I went for a sunset beach walk. In fact, I said to my sister, "If this continues, maybe we can go to a matinee tomorrow." God, I must live in some kind of chemo fantasy land...

Friday sucked. The lethargy leaves me flattened. I had my first round of vomiting. When the nausea hits I have to lie still and decide. "Is it nausea- nausea? or nausea - I'm starving to death - nausea?" "If I eat will the nausea disapear? If I take a Zofran will the nausea leave? or if it is hunger, will it carve a path in my belly?"

I take a Zofran, a Decadron and Ambien to sleep at night. And I do sleep.

I wake up hesitantly. Am I still nausea or could I eat? And I eat a beautiful egg sandwich coz I feel hungry. And then I get tired. I lie down.

When I lie in bed that is all I want to do. I can feel the edge of sinking into the abyss. I can hear a voice in my head saying, "Drink. Drink something. DO NOT get dehydrated." And then I lie there waiting for an impulse to motivate me to want to get better... "What would it matter? And if I don't drink? And if I don't move? Would I just lie here staring at the ceiling lamp forever?" There is a part of me that wants to meld into the bed and just disappear. I'm starting to get what the fight is for.... It is to fight for my midline, for my center, for my truth of who I am, for consciousness, for being heard, fighting for healthy support, becasue it is so easy to get caught up in someone eles's or some thing's battle and loose track of oneself.

And then I get up to pee. And in this moment I feel human again. Tired, but no longer a puddle of 'blah'.

My sister finds beauty in these darkened moments of stillness, so she snaps away.

Anna comes over to give me some acupuncture. My tongue has a think yellow coat and I can feel and taste it. YUCK!!!

The rumour is today is Saturday. All I know is there is light still outside and I'm actually feeling good enough to type.

As I take a moment to own my exasperation of not wanting to have cancer anymore as I sigh heavily with my hand over my head.

Stephanie kindly asks, "Do you want something?"

"Yes. I don't want to be the girl with cancer anymore."

Round 2!!!

Good news, I got my period today!!! 28 days to the day!!! YEAH!! Two points for E. Bachner's body!! I new I was ovulating... but I was so scared I was making it up and did not want to be dissapointed so soon. But I rejoice!! I don't think I have ever been so happy to bleed!! My OB/GYN said, "This is a very good sign that your body is not stressed!" Yes! This is also a good sign that I still have the choice... in this moment....

Sufi picks my pregnant sister up at the airport while I cross the ever lengthening t's and dot the never ending i's. I don't care how many pills I still need to pick up, endless errands that need to be run or calls that should be answered... I'm still gonna have my manicured nails when I walk into the infusion center!

Dr. G and I come up with the pre-med protocol in relationship with each other. No Benadryl, No on the Ativan, Yes on Aprepitant (the stuff for nausea/acid stomach), No on the Aloxi and yes on the Decadron. I'm also gonna use Frankinsence this time to help ease the many side effects of the pre-meds and chemo. (that is me sniffing and holding onto the bottle during the treatment. When I start to get overwhelmed by all the foreign substances going into my body I focus on the smell and I can feel my body shift and I become more grounded and less naseated/agitated). It seems to be working.

Like a pregnant mom who is both scared and excited for labor, I'm kinda jumpy with anticipation, "How will this round of chemo combined with this cocktail of pre-meds effect my body this time? Will I have more nausea? less? will I be more present? will I be begging for more drugs? "

I sit in a state of wonderment. I am in awe of both science and my body. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea!! None, what-so-ever!!! And instead of fighting this place of 'no control', I surrender to it knowing that whatever the challenge I can face it because I have such great support around me.

Sufi and I have both been noticing the energy of the hawks lately. The weekend I was diagnosed there was a hawk circling around and around where I was watching the sunset. (if you zoom in on the photo, I promise, the hawk is there) And it was not a fly by situation. Rima, the kids and I watch it for about half an hour just hang out, gliding, right over our heads, then SWOOP down it went to get its prey. We jokingly said, "Wow, maybe that is my animal mascot?"

I was joking until Sufi mentioned she kept seeing them too. And she actually figured out why the hawk was communicating to us. So, the hawk is not known as a sweet, loving, chirpy bird. It is a predator that preys on field mice and other creatures miles below it on land. The message was to imagine the chemo as the preditor, the hawk. The chemo would enter into my body with calculated accuracy and then swiftly dive to where it needed to grab its prey, the cancer. The prey in this situation might also be really, really small and almost unseeing to the naked eye, but with hawk vision the chemo would know where to go in my body and find the cancer and fill its belly with delight!

Yes, I am more 'woo-woo' than most (I have been living in California for over 11 years, cut me some slack). And if you dig around on cancer sites you will see that lots of people reccomend visualizations; but, none of them had any resonance to me because I know that I am not fighting a fight with cancer - that is the chemo's job! Yeah, the chemo is a 'toxin'. Yeah, the hawk is a 'predator'. But just as the predator has it's place in nature, so does chemo in the life of someone with cancer.

With each bag of chemo I tell the millions and trillions of hawks inside to "fly, be free, do your job and do it well! Find the big and tiny, ity, bity cancer cells and feast away!! Be direct in your flying! Be exact! Be precise! Be intelligent! Be clean in your attack!! And for god's sake, be gentle with my uterus and ovaries. PLEASE be kind if there is no prey there for you to eat!"

This message from the hawk on a new way of appreciating the chemo/cancer has supported the lessoning of my struggle with this so I can find even more space to be made for the health of my body. And for me, those are the kind of tools that are the most important.

Night before round 2

I had a very productive day today.

Everyone wants to support me, so I asked a friend Trisha if she would help me with my biggest challenge: the mundane world.

My plans for this fall were to organize my home office... filing, taxes, accounting, throwing out... but all that got pushed aside with my new life classes at Cancer College. Now, I am lucking that I am surrounded by many fabulous healers, but how many can boast that they have a friend who used to be Rupert Murdocks Assistant? That is Trisha, and today she was assisting moi! This has to be one of my favorite cancer gifts. I feel some much more relaxed when the chaos is organized.

For me the cancer/chemo stuff is pretty straight forward. But the time it takes away from the day to day responsibilities drives me crazy.

After 6 hours of organizing, I allow myself to drop into my preparation for Chemo tomorrow. I feel excited. Except for the need of a manicure, I feel ready for the next round of chemo.

I sit in a place of curiosity: What will happen when chemo enters my body this time? Will it be the same as last time? Will it be better? Will I feel sicker? More tired? More energized? Will it be as intense? Hmmm, I wonder what will happen, as I really don't know!! I've got my alkaline foods all ready. I've got the nutrients I need to poop. Salt for the bath. Coconut water to stay hydrated. Office organized... All the 't's are crossed and the 'i's are dotted so I can feel safe surrendering, yet again, into the unknown.

I feel like a mother who is ready to welcome the next contraction, because even though her body might be scared of it, her heart knows it will bring her closed to holding her child in her arms.

what to do with bald?

As I stand in the shower I try to figure out what the hell to do with my bald head? Do I wash it? do I soap it up? Will the soap dry it out? I know what to do with hair... but what do I do with no hair?

I am a product whore, but I forgot to inquire about this one at the Beauty store....

May this be the biggest problem I have today

Now I can see how beautiful I am!

By the time I got to sunday dinner I had had ENOUGH of my hair... you see, I had backed myself into a corner.

My hair was no longer the beautiful, long waves that I had had for, um 35 years (yes, the last time I had short hair I was 4 years old and it was NOT pretty). My hair had become one big HUGE dread-lock. And it itched. And it was heavy. It was looking like a rats nest that could only come out one way - scissors.

Just like the mom who has loved being pregnant for 39 weeks, by the time she arrives at her 40 week prenatal she is giving me "the" look that says, "I am SO done being pregnant! Just pull my kid out N.O.W.!!!!" Even though this mom might have been scared to go into labor, the idea of being pregnant one more day was no longer an option. I had created a similar situation, I have loved my hair for 39 years, but now my dread lock was so AWFUL that I wanted my hair cut off my head A.S.A.P.!! I was SO over it! And this impluse to want it all of was coming from my choice! I was not a victem of the chemo, but a willing participant to makea good choice for me!

And the 'ceremony' was better than I expected. Yes, I was anxious, but also excited. You see, every August I go through one week of wanting to 'cut it all off'!! I imagine what it would be like to have no hair on my head, to do the Sinead O'Connor thing.... and then I sit on my hands, the week passes and I come out the other side with long hair. I even asked my hairdresser once what she would do if I asked her to "cut it short".

"Elizabeth", Maria said to me cooly, "I'd send you straight home and tell you to come back tomorrow, coz I know you were having and emotional crisis. And if you came back the next day, then I would cut it short."

So, Rima started to cut it off in chunks. Gus came and sat on my lap for support. As she started to cut it away I was met with smiles and exclamations of how beautiful I look from all the kids! (And we all know, kids don't lie). Even the adults were smiling in amazement at how great I looked with short hair. Finally, the chrome dome I was so afraid of was no longer a burden. The hair went short and punk and we kept going. I finally saw myself in the mohawk that I had never had the courage to let out before. And as it got shorter and shorter, I felt more and more beautiful!

This event was not a sad event, but a liberation! The hair that I had been hiding my face behind now let my face be seen! The question that most of us long hair chicks always ask, but few have the courage to do (including me.... had I not had chemo, the hair would still be long....) was being answered. And, I do have a good head underneath all that hair! In fact, I may never go back to long hair!!

The bald look is not shocking on me. It looks RAD! It took no time for us to all settle into me with no hair. In fact, it was more of a shock when I went from blonde to brunette 2 years ago! This feels right. It feels almost, dare I say, natural?

I've been looking at a lot of wigs, but right now I'm gonna Rock the Bald!! Whooooo Hoooooo!! God I feel Good!!!