I consider myself very fortunate to have created such and exceptional life for myself in Los Angeles. I don't just have great clients and friends, but I am surrounded by people who love me the way that I am. And even when I have crazy and outrageous ways of viewing the world, they don't judge me, but rather look at me in wonderment and laugh with me.
Among my close circle is Rima. On paper, there isn't a whole lot that we have in common, but in the heart she is "The sister I have chosen for myself". We have one of those relationships that you don't question but enjoy, knowing that we would each be there for each other in a heartbeat - It is just that one does not think the last phrase will ever have to be tested out, as cancer was not on the radar!
When I first moved to LA Rima took me into her family. I love her two children Pearl and Gus like my own.... not in some creepy 'single white female' kinda way, but in the way that I am filled with gratitude that they are in my life!! When I come home from a birth, my number one place to be is having tea with Rima while hugging one of the kids. Good luck trying to find me on a Sunday, because I am usually at Rima's enjoying a home cooked meal, great wine and excellent conversation with the extended family as the cousin's run around laughing. I love being around her family so much that I encourage Rima and her husband to go away for the night so the kids and I can have a sleepover! Their family grounds me.
So, as you can imagine, telling the kids was not easy. In fact, next to telling my family, this was the hardest one. When we told the kids, Rima and I encouraged them not to isolate, to be with the two of us while they named what they are feeling and to ask me any questions they wanted to.
What is so interesting to me is that Pearl and Gus are part of a generation that does not know Cancer as a death sentence.
When I was growing up my friend's mom had Breast Cancer. I remember the long days 'visiting' at her house. Her mom was upstairs in bed and we would be downstairs trying to be teenagers. No body took the time to explain to me what was going on and nobody ever talked about what was right in front of us. Back then "Cancer" was spelled with a capital "C" and wispered. Every once in a while we would go upstairs to say "Hi" too her mom and I remember seeing a version of her mother all swollen and red. And then her mother died. Coz back then, that is what happened. You had cancer and you died. Nowadays, that is so NOT true.
The good thing is that Pearl and Gus have already been through this with another 'mommy' friend in our community. For them, Breast Cancer means a loss of hair, times of being sick for a long bit and in the end of the journey: wellness. In fact, Pearl has already done a 'Walk' for breast cancer. Cancer is not something that is wispered, it is talked about, it is shared, there is no shame associated with it.
As we were sitting with the kids processing this new information, Pearl took off on her own. Granted, we were very careful to make sure she was not isolating her self with the information, and also wanted to honor her need for space. When Pearl came back to the living room, she dragged all of us over to my computer to show us what she created with the new information about my life. Rima and I were BLOWN away with the video Pearl made, as I'm sure you will be too. She hit the nail on the head, and I now have my very own Public Service Announcement!
After we told the kids we head out to the Ocean to do a big evening swim. We all ran like naked chickens into the Pacific: body surfing, laughing, getting pummeled by the waves, letting ourselves be cleansed by the water.... I felt so good I turned to Rima and announced, "Cancer has no idea who they are takin' on!! Cancer picked the wrong person, coz cancer is goin' down!" For the first time in days I actually ate a full on proper meal. I felt like I was turning the corner and felt centered once again.
It didn't take long for the kids to integrate everything. In fact, the next day we headed out to the farmer's market. While there Pearl and I bought a whole bunch of goodies, and with each purchase she handed me the bags. As usual, I was getting overloaded with purchases and my hands hurt!! So, I turned to Pearl and pulled "the cancer card"....
"Pearl, stop giving me all the bags! Don't you know, I have cancer!"
Pearl stopped and looked at me all serious, "Yeah, you do Ezbeth, but you don't have it in your hands!"
YES!! Ten Points for Pearl! Pearl gets it! She is so with the humour program!
We both had a good giggle and proceeded to get on with life as it truly is... me, as a 39 years old with cancer, and her as a 10 year old who is 10.
Life is good!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Everything is now cancer
Sitting in the place of having cancer in your breasts and lymphs but not knowing if it is anywhere else in the body is CRAZY making!!
Oh, shit, there is a red spot on my face.... it must be cancer.
What is that insane itching on my leg that will not go away? is the cancer now in my bones?
Um, I think my glands in my throat are swollen. I think the cancer has gone there.
Ugh, my left illiac crest aches... has the cancer advanced to the lymphs in my groin and just second away from exploding all over my body?
This is the thing about breast cancer, when it metastisizes in the body it has a habit of going to other organs, specifically the bones, liver, lungs and brain. What are the chances of it metastisizing in the body? I don't think anyone knows, but when you find it in your lymph glands, that is not a good sign, as the lymphs are the elevator system of the body and send the breast cancer cells to other parts of the body.
I'm sacred shitless that it is somewhere else in my body. I think I can 'feel' it moving in my body now. Overnight I have become a hypocondriac!! Who is this hypocondriac? I have no idea? I am never sick! I take yoga classes! I meditate! I eat organic!!
My business partner is CONVINCED that I do not have cancer because my brain seems to be working over time and my sense of humor is still in tact.
As Dr. F said, "If it is in your breast and lymph only, we are talking cure. If it is elsewhere, then we will talk about your treatment options. Let's just hope that your cancer is Lazy"
One day at a time.
URRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My sister and I are now talking a couple times a day. "What's the latest?" "This is what I found out on line." "So and so knows so and so. They recommend..." My sister talks to me about getting a second opinion. I feel really confident with Dr. F and an oncologist, Dr. G, made room for me in his schedule for Monday morning. I want to move quickly. Also, it has been an intense 3 days. I want to spend the weekend in Malibu taking a vacation from Cancer, not plotting second opinions.
Oh, shit, there is a red spot on my face.... it must be cancer.
What is that insane itching on my leg that will not go away? is the cancer now in my bones?
Um, I think my glands in my throat are swollen. I think the cancer has gone there.
Ugh, my left illiac crest aches... has the cancer advanced to the lymphs in my groin and just second away from exploding all over my body?
This is the thing about breast cancer, when it metastisizes in the body it has a habit of going to other organs, specifically the bones, liver, lungs and brain. What are the chances of it metastisizing in the body? I don't think anyone knows, but when you find it in your lymph glands, that is not a good sign, as the lymphs are the elevator system of the body and send the breast cancer cells to other parts of the body.
I'm sacred shitless that it is somewhere else in my body. I think I can 'feel' it moving in my body now. Overnight I have become a hypocondriac!! Who is this hypocondriac? I have no idea? I am never sick! I take yoga classes! I meditate! I eat organic!!
My business partner is CONVINCED that I do not have cancer because my brain seems to be working over time and my sense of humor is still in tact.
As Dr. F said, "If it is in your breast and lymph only, we are talking cure. If it is elsewhere, then we will talk about your treatment options. Let's just hope that your cancer is Lazy"
One day at a time.
URRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My sister and I are now talking a couple times a day. "What's the latest?" "This is what I found out on line." "So and so knows so and so. They recommend..." My sister talks to me about getting a second opinion. I feel really confident with Dr. F and an oncologist, Dr. G, made room for me in his schedule for Monday morning. I want to move quickly. Also, it has been an intense 3 days. I want to spend the weekend in Malibu taking a vacation from Cancer, not plotting second opinions.
How I know this is real....
There are two kinds of people in the world when it comes to stress... Those that can't eat, and those that over eat.
My whole life I have DREAMED of being the former, but true to my lineage, I have always been the later.
Without out getting into lots of details at the moment, lets just say that I know that this has to real, because for the first time in my life I have NO desire to eat. In fact, not only do I have no desire to eat, but I'm just plane old not hungry.
Rima is concerned and tempting me with all kinds of home made dishes.
For the past few days I have done my best to try and put something in my body... soup is about the only thing that will pass my lips, and I'm not even feeling hunger pains!
That is how I know this is real, coz for the first time in my life, instead of shoveling food into my mouth, I'm actually repulsed by the idea of ... well, anything!!
This way of being with food is as foreign to me as the cancer in my body.
Odd.
My whole life I have DREAMED of being the former, but true to my lineage, I have always been the later.
Without out getting into lots of details at the moment, lets just say that I know that this has to real, because for the first time in my life I have NO desire to eat. In fact, not only do I have no desire to eat, but I'm just plane old not hungry.
Rima is concerned and tempting me with all kinds of home made dishes.
For the past few days I have done my best to try and put something in my body... soup is about the only thing that will pass my lips, and I'm not even feeling hunger pains!
That is how I know this is real, coz for the first time in my life, instead of shoveling food into my mouth, I'm actually repulsed by the idea of ... well, anything!!
This way of being with food is as foreign to me as the cancer in my body.
Odd.
"Don't you know, I have Cancer damnit!"
I have been a student of the spiritual arts for years now. I have studied Loving-Kindness Meditations, participated in Priestess Trainings all over the world and explored Christian Mysticism. If I was curious about it, I gave myself full permission to explore it. The one thing that all these spiritual trainings have in common is the talk about getting into the present moment. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to tell you that NOTHING has has ever brought me closer to the present mind than cancer. And my friends who have been down this road concur too.
...What do you mean you have not received my check for the phone bill. I mailed it out last week. Don't you know that I have cancer? I don't have time to deal with this red tape. I need to find a solution to this problem NOW!!
... How dare you cut me off at La Cienega Blvd. I have Cancer!!
...really, your boss can't understand why you are frustrated at your job... do I sound like someone who gives a shit?? I have Cancer!!!
...should you keep your hair long in front or go for the youthful bangs? How the fuck should I know? Don't you know that I have cancer!!
And even those who are close to me are getting into it. My sister was returning sunglasses at Lohmann's the other day and of course there was an annoying Lohmann's customer in front of her trying to return something too. And she stood there and thought, "Come on. Hurry up!! Don't you know, My sister has Cancer!!"
Now, don't get me wrong. I am interested in other people. I like to listen and people like to talk. And other times I like to talk and bitch and moan... and I have great friends who listen. I don't solve other people problems anymore (got done with that narcissistic way of being years ago), but rather, I hold space for people to understand their own process. I do this professionally, I do this personally. It is a gift that I have, it is a skill I have cultivated, it is a way of being in the world that works for me.
And I hate that when people call me now and I ask how they are doing, and they answer, and then they ask me how I am doing, and I answer, "I'm not sick, I just have cancer", they feel like complete idiots for complaining about their life in the first place. I really don't like that place, and it is the reality of where I am. What was considered 'normal' conversation just 2 days ago has changed radically overnight. And I can't change that. It just is.
God, I would give my left arm (and the cancer in the left arm :) to go back and complain about how I need to get to my colorist ASAP before my roots make me look older than I am, or what about my white trash nails that need a manicure? Or bitch to my sister about how I have NOTHING to wear - yet a closet full of clothes. All of that has become irrelevant, at the moment... and yet I look forward to those being the biggest challenges of my day.
So, I let things move and shift. Again, I am so NOT in charge.
...What do you mean you have not received my check for the phone bill. I mailed it out last week. Don't you know that I have cancer? I don't have time to deal with this red tape. I need to find a solution to this problem NOW!!
... How dare you cut me off at La Cienega Blvd. I have Cancer!!
...really, your boss can't understand why you are frustrated at your job... do I sound like someone who gives a shit?? I have Cancer!!!
...should you keep your hair long in front or go for the youthful bangs? How the fuck should I know? Don't you know that I have cancer!!
And even those who are close to me are getting into it. My sister was returning sunglasses at Lohmann's the other day and of course there was an annoying Lohmann's customer in front of her trying to return something too. And she stood there and thought, "Come on. Hurry up!! Don't you know, My sister has Cancer!!"
Now, don't get me wrong. I am interested in other people. I like to listen and people like to talk. And other times I like to talk and bitch and moan... and I have great friends who listen. I don't solve other people problems anymore (got done with that narcissistic way of being years ago), but rather, I hold space for people to understand their own process. I do this professionally, I do this personally. It is a gift that I have, it is a skill I have cultivated, it is a way of being in the world that works for me.
And I hate that when people call me now and I ask how they are doing, and they answer, and then they ask me how I am doing, and I answer, "I'm not sick, I just have cancer", they feel like complete idiots for complaining about their life in the first place. I really don't like that place, and it is the reality of where I am. What was considered 'normal' conversation just 2 days ago has changed radically overnight. And I can't change that. It just is.
God, I would give my left arm (and the cancer in the left arm :) to go back and complain about how I need to get to my colorist ASAP before my roots make me look older than I am, or what about my white trash nails that need a manicure? Or bitch to my sister about how I have NOTHING to wear - yet a closet full of clothes. All of that has become irrelevant, at the moment... and yet I look forward to those being the biggest challenges of my day.
So, I let things move and shift. Again, I am so NOT in charge.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I want the choice to choose.
My friends won't let me go by myself to see the doctor(s). In fact, I'm treated like an invalid and am not even allowed to drive myself!!
We laugh, we joke. This is ABSURD!! It is a downright comedy that "I" have cancer.
At Christy Funks office I am greeting by a lovely receptionist who jokes along with me. The office for Dr. F feels really good. Clean, spacious, bright. And there are robes in the room that make me feel like I'm at a five star spa resort. I feel good here.
I fill out the form for Dr. F with ease, as I have no health issue in my body.
"Family History of Cancer?" "NONE", I write across all five lines in big bold black pen.
"Anything else you want the Doctor to know about you?" "YES. In my family the women die of old age. My Grandmother Bertha smoked into her 70's, drank until her 90's, is highly opinionated and will be turning 100 this November."
I have not just one, but two friends with me. They insisted, and I am trusting that they are both their for a reason.
As we have been instructed by others who have been through this, I am not to take notes, as I will probably forget. It is the job of my support people to take the notes.
My friends and I are goofing around while I pretend I'm at a spa. Dr. F comes in and immediately I feel at ease, as though another sister has joined the party. Her gracious smile, generous heart and sense of humor are right on her sleeve. I like that about her. No secrets. I feel good around her. I trust her. No need to go elsewhere. I have found my Doctor. (oh, and for those of you who are wondering, she has all the right schooling, committees and degrees to impress those that care.)
Dr. F has set me up for all kinds of tests: Body Scan, MRI, Bone Scan, EKG ... The hope now is that the Cancer is "Lazy" and has spread no where else in my body. God I hope so. I think I have just about reached my limit with the cancer. I can handle breast cancer. I'm pissed that it is in my lymphs, but I can show up for that. But please god, please, I don't know if I have it in me to deal with it somewhere else in my body.
As she talks to me and goes over the details that my friends are writing down I watch her start to hesitate. In 2 short days I have already come to terms with chemo, radiation and a possible double masectomy. I can handle those words. But what the hell is she holding onto? Did she get a biopsy result back that is worse than they thought and she is hesitating to tell me?
In the middle of her explanations I stop her, "Dr. F. What are you holding on to? Did you get a test result back that is BAD?"
She pauses, takes a breath and starts, "Well, this is not easy for me as you and I are of similar age. I notice on your chart that you are 39, single and do not have any kids. I need to let you know that the chemo and raditation may make you unable to have children. Some people choose to harvest their eggs in this situation."
WHAT THE FUCK??? SHIT???? That was straight out of left field. And once again I feel the ground slip out underneath me.
"Ummm, Sufi, can you sit come up here and put your hand on my shoulders, I need some support.".
As a single woman who is in the birthing profession, this is not the first time I have contemplated having children or not. In fact, my mother asked me a year ago about whether I would consider freezing some of my eggs. And in that moment I was very clear with my, "No." For me, I know that raising a child is a full time job and that I need to have a lot of financial and emotional resources in place to be a good mom. Since I do not have the financial resources - and the emotional resources I have are great for me as a single woman, but not what I perceive I need as a mother, I know that being single and having a child is not in my truth. If I am to be over 40 and have a child, I will have to trust that the universe will team me up with the right man, at the right time and it will work out in spirit's timing. And I was completely okay with all this either way.... until this moment. Shit!!!!!!!!
It is one thing for me to choose this and it is quite another thing to have the choice taken from me.
I am about to ovulate any day now. And I know deep down inside that I don't have a month to wait around and harvest my eggs. I take in the information. I allow myself to get angry. I let it move. I allow for some tears and sadness and reply, "We don't have time. I need to start Chemo ASAP."
I totally forgot about the children factor. And, there are plenty of women who go through this and have children. There is no reason why I can't be one of those women.
Why is it for the first time that the prospect of not having children is making me want to have a child? Don't answer. The question is rhetorical. And the answer, like a lot of my life, is completely out of my control.
We laugh, we joke. This is ABSURD!! It is a downright comedy that "I" have cancer.
At Christy Funks office I am greeting by a lovely receptionist who jokes along with me. The office for Dr. F feels really good. Clean, spacious, bright. And there are robes in the room that make me feel like I'm at a five star spa resort. I feel good here.
I fill out the form for Dr. F with ease, as I have no health issue in my body.
"Family History of Cancer?" "NONE", I write across all five lines in big bold black pen.
"Anything else you want the Doctor to know about you?" "YES. In my family the women die of old age. My Grandmother Bertha smoked into her 70's, drank until her 90's, is highly opinionated and will be turning 100 this November."
I have not just one, but two friends with me. They insisted, and I am trusting that they are both their for a reason.
As we have been instructed by others who have been through this, I am not to take notes, as I will probably forget. It is the job of my support people to take the notes.
My friends and I are goofing around while I pretend I'm at a spa. Dr. F comes in and immediately I feel at ease, as though another sister has joined the party. Her gracious smile, generous heart and sense of humor are right on her sleeve. I like that about her. No secrets. I feel good around her. I trust her. No need to go elsewhere. I have found my Doctor. (oh, and for those of you who are wondering, she has all the right schooling, committees and degrees to impress those that care.)
Dr. F has set me up for all kinds of tests: Body Scan, MRI, Bone Scan, EKG ... The hope now is that the Cancer is "Lazy" and has spread no where else in my body. God I hope so. I think I have just about reached my limit with the cancer. I can handle breast cancer. I'm pissed that it is in my lymphs, but I can show up for that. But please god, please, I don't know if I have it in me to deal with it somewhere else in my body.
As she talks to me and goes over the details that my friends are writing down I watch her start to hesitate. In 2 short days I have already come to terms with chemo, radiation and a possible double masectomy. I can handle those words. But what the hell is she holding onto? Did she get a biopsy result back that is worse than they thought and she is hesitating to tell me?
In the middle of her explanations I stop her, "Dr. F. What are you holding on to? Did you get a test result back that is BAD?"
She pauses, takes a breath and starts, "Well, this is not easy for me as you and I are of similar age. I notice on your chart that you are 39, single and do not have any kids. I need to let you know that the chemo and raditation may make you unable to have children. Some people choose to harvest their eggs in this situation."
WHAT THE FUCK??? SHIT???? That was straight out of left field. And once again I feel the ground slip out underneath me.
"Ummm, Sufi, can you sit come up here and put your hand on my shoulders, I need some support.".
As a single woman who is in the birthing profession, this is not the first time I have contemplated having children or not. In fact, my mother asked me a year ago about whether I would consider freezing some of my eggs. And in that moment I was very clear with my, "No." For me, I know that raising a child is a full time job and that I need to have a lot of financial and emotional resources in place to be a good mom. Since I do not have the financial resources - and the emotional resources I have are great for me as a single woman, but not what I perceive I need as a mother, I know that being single and having a child is not in my truth. If I am to be over 40 and have a child, I will have to trust that the universe will team me up with the right man, at the right time and it will work out in spirit's timing. And I was completely okay with all this either way.... until this moment. Shit!!!!!!!!
It is one thing for me to choose this and it is quite another thing to have the choice taken from me.
I am about to ovulate any day now. And I know deep down inside that I don't have a month to wait around and harvest my eggs. I take in the information. I allow myself to get angry. I let it move. I allow for some tears and sadness and reply, "We don't have time. I need to start Chemo ASAP."
I totally forgot about the children factor. And, there are plenty of women who go through this and have children. There is no reason why I can't be one of those women.
Why is it for the first time that the prospect of not having children is making me want to have a child? Don't answer. The question is rhetorical. And the answer, like a lot of my life, is completely out of my control.
"Hi. How are you? I have cancer."
Wednesday, August 14
So now that I know I have cancer, the next step is to tell others. Telling people has become a full time job. I usually reach my max at about 4 people a day.
For some reason, cancer brings out everyone else's fear of death - and other's words can get mixed in with their fear and projections. As one of my friends said, "Wow, you seem so comfortable with everything. I feel bad that you have to deal with everyone else's stuff every time you tell them." How right on she is.
"Hi Bry, umm, give me a call back when you can. It is rather important."
"Hey Ange, give me a call at home. I've got some news for you. Not the 'jump up and down' kinda news, but the 'are you sitting down' kinda news."
"Hey Alison. How are you. Me, well I'm okay. I'm not sick, but I do have cancer."
Everyone's response is basically the same, a shocked: "What?"
For those of you who do not know me well, let me explain. I'm probably the healthiest person I know. I haven't touched a soda since the beginning of my waitress days in college. Since my first taste of an organic carrot in San Francisco back in 1992 I have never looked back. I rarely miss a day at work because I'm just not sick. I have traveled around the world eating street food whenever I can and never got the disentary I watched my travel companions doubled over with. I get a fever maybe, what, every 4-6 years if that?
I believe (or at least I used to) that physical issues can be a manifestation of ones mental or emotional state. So, I worked my ass off to come to terms with the deep rivers of rage and arrogance that ran through me. I enjoy going to a therapist and making peace with the story of my life and know that "my story happened to me" but I am "not my story". I have been to quite a few workshops to reclaim my self worth, to value myself and to love myself and I can sense how they have worked. I can be with myself with a plethora of emotions, both 'good' and 'bad'. I have worked with energy workers to clear my chakras, shamans to make space in my aura and of course acupuncturists to balance my meridians.
As of June 2008 I had officially declared to my spiritual teacher that I had spent 10 years trying everything I wanted to spiritually and have settled into my truth of what really works for me. For the first time in my life I felt like a whole and integrated being. I really really wanted to be in my body, to be fully present and contributing. I was done with (literally) 9 years of post graduate schooling and I was no longer a student.
I was hitting my stride with work and appreciating how good I am at
my job. My inner entrepreneur was coming out to play within the business I have been called into and loving it! You see that photo of me over there? Since I was a child I have been scared of the camera. For some reason, on Monday the 11th, the night before I was diagnosed with cancer, I did my first ever photo shoot of myself on my mac so that I could start doing on-line dating. For the first time ever I was comfortable in front of the camera. I have always appreciated my inner beauty, but was amazed to see how beautiful I am on the outside! After 39 years of avoiding my self, I was finally feeling safe enough to let myself be seen!
I gotta be honest, for the first time I felt grounded, beautiful and whole.
But it seems like my 'wholeness' includes cancer. Go figure?
So now that I know I have cancer, the next step is to tell others. Telling people has become a full time job. I usually reach my max at about 4 people a day.
For some reason, cancer brings out everyone else's fear of death - and other's words can get mixed in with their fear and projections. As one of my friends said, "Wow, you seem so comfortable with everything. I feel bad that you have to deal with everyone else's stuff every time you tell them." How right on she is.
"Hi Bry, umm, give me a call back when you can. It is rather important."
"Hey Ange, give me a call at home. I've got some news for you. Not the 'jump up and down' kinda news, but the 'are you sitting down' kinda news."
"Hey Alison. How are you. Me, well I'm okay. I'm not sick, but I do have cancer."
Everyone's response is basically the same, a shocked: "What?"
For those of you who do not know me well, let me explain. I'm probably the healthiest person I know. I haven't touched a soda since the beginning of my waitress days in college. Since my first taste of an organic carrot in San Francisco back in 1992 I have never looked back. I rarely miss a day at work because I'm just not sick. I have traveled around the world eating street food whenever I can and never got the disentary I watched my travel companions doubled over with. I get a fever maybe, what, every 4-6 years if that?
I believe (or at least I used to) that physical issues can be a manifestation of ones mental or emotional state. So, I worked my ass off to come to terms with the deep rivers of rage and arrogance that ran through me. I enjoy going to a therapist and making peace with the story of my life and know that "my story happened to me" but I am "not my story". I have been to quite a few workshops to reclaim my self worth, to value myself and to love myself and I can sense how they have worked. I can be with myself with a plethora of emotions, both 'good' and 'bad'. I have worked with energy workers to clear my chakras, shamans to make space in my aura and of course acupuncturists to balance my meridians.
As of June 2008 I had officially declared to my spiritual teacher that I had spent 10 years trying everything I wanted to spiritually and have settled into my truth of what really works for me. For the first time in my life I felt like a whole and integrated being. I really really wanted to be in my body, to be fully present and contributing. I was done with (literally) 9 years of post graduate schooling and I was no longer a student.
I was hitting my stride with work and appreciating how good I am at
my job. My inner entrepreneur was coming out to play within the business I have been called into and loving it! You see that photo of me over there? Since I was a child I have been scared of the camera. For some reason, on Monday the 11th, the night before I was diagnosed with cancer, I did my first ever photo shoot of myself on my mac so that I could start doing on-line dating. For the first time ever I was comfortable in front of the camera. I have always appreciated my inner beauty, but was amazed to see how beautiful I am on the outside! After 39 years of avoiding my self, I was finally feeling safe enough to let myself be seen!I gotta be honest, for the first time I felt grounded, beautiful and whole.
But it seems like my 'wholeness' includes cancer. Go figure?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Huh? What?
My OB/GYN called to confirm that the biopsy came back positive for cancer. They still need to confirm the kind and stage, but yes, I have breast cancer and it is in my lymph node.
"I have breast cancer." I say to myself as I drive to check the belly of a pregnant mom.
"Don't you know that plastic water bottles can cause cancer?" I want to scream at the guy behind the counter as he hands me my soup and bottled water.
"I have cancer." I rehearse in my head as I buy my new iphone.
"Fuck, it is in my lymph glands. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." as I prepare myself for a post partum meeting with clients.
The strange part is that I am the exact same person I was two days ago, but now I have been diagnosed with cancer. I can't cancel any of my client appointments, because if I do, when will I see them? It isn't like the cancer is gonna disappear and my schedule will free itself up.
So I move forward with my day. Checking things off my 'to do' list... coming to terms with the fact that I have cancer... Scheduling more doctor appointments...
As soon as my OB/GYN and I found out I had cancer she put a call into the popular Breast Surgeon Dr. Kristi Funk. They could not give me an appointment until the 25th, 12 days from now. That was just not gonna do. Now that I knew I had cancer I wanted chemo in me ASAP!!! I can hear within me this strange urgency of "Cut it out now!" "Burn the fuckers up with the chemo!" "Now, Now, NOW!!!"
So, I calmly ask the receptionist, "Can you put me on a wait list and call me if there is a cancellation?" Strangely enough she called me back 20 minutes later, "So, I just got a cancellation for a new patient visit for the next time she is in the office. Do you want it?".
This was to be the beginning of what my friend Sufi calls the "Red Carpet Treatment" of synchronicities that constantly remind me that even with cancer, I am divinely guided.
"I have breast cancer." I say to myself as I drive to check the belly of a pregnant mom.
"Don't you know that plastic water bottles can cause cancer?" I want to scream at the guy behind the counter as he hands me my soup and bottled water.
"I have cancer." I rehearse in my head as I buy my new iphone.
"Fuck, it is in my lymph glands. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." as I prepare myself for a post partum meeting with clients.
The strange part is that I am the exact same person I was two days ago, but now I have been diagnosed with cancer. I can't cancel any of my client appointments, because if I do, when will I see them? It isn't like the cancer is gonna disappear and my schedule will free itself up.
So I move forward with my day. Checking things off my 'to do' list... coming to terms with the fact that I have cancer... Scheduling more doctor appointments...
As soon as my OB/GYN and I found out I had cancer she put a call into the popular Breast Surgeon Dr. Kristi Funk. They could not give me an appointment until the 25th, 12 days from now. That was just not gonna do. Now that I knew I had cancer I wanted chemo in me ASAP!!! I can hear within me this strange urgency of "Cut it out now!" "Burn the fuckers up with the chemo!" "Now, Now, NOW!!!"
So, I calmly ask the receptionist, "Can you put me on a wait list and call me if there is a cancellation?" Strangely enough she called me back 20 minutes later, "So, I just got a cancellation for a new patient visit for the next time she is in the office. Do you want it?".
This was to be the beginning of what my friend Sufi calls the "Red Carpet Treatment" of synchronicities that constantly remind me that even with cancer, I am divinely guided.
A fandamily affair
My Sister, Rachel, is my best friend and sister. I guess you have to have a sister to understand what I mean. It doesn't matter if we talk once a day or once a month... we would do anything for the other without hesitation. It is the ultimate in unconditional love.
Due to a strange turn of life events, in the past two years, my older brother, Bryan, has become one of my closest friends. I look to him to bounce ideas off of and whose opinions and thoughts I have come to respect. Bryan was the first person in my family that I called. He remains calm, reminds me that I am not going through cancer by myself and that we will get through this as a family. We start to strategies about the best way to tell the other people in our family.
We decide that the best way to tell my busy sister, who is 4 months pregnant with baby number 3, is for me to send her an email asking her to call me when she had some time to chat. The email creates some space, but does nothing to buffer the shock of finding out that your only sister has cancer.
Then the 3 of us try t
o figure out the best way to tell my parents. Thursday the 14th, their anniversary would be a 'bad' day to tell them. Especially in light of not having any more conclusive information until Friday. I want them to find out in a way that is respectful and kind. I want them to feel supported. Since I'm in LA, Bryan is in Hong Kong and Rachey is in NYC, Rachel volunteers to go to Connecticut to see them and tell them in person. Bryan and I will be sitting by the phones to talk to them for the aftermath.
Now comes the question everyone asks me, "Aren't your family coming out to be with you?" No. I don't want them to.
So, let me explain this.
Now, it is important for everyone to know that me not wanting my family to come out right away does not mean I don't love them. I love them very much, and I have no doubt of their love for me.
My family is all chomping at the bit to come out to LA and be with me. All of them have offered to come out yesterday. It is my brother who said it best. When he found out I had cancer he let his boss know. His boss said, "Why are you telling me this? shouldn't you be on a flight to Los Angeles now?" My brother chuckled and replied, "No. You don't know my sister. That is not what she would want me to do."
So, a bit of back story about what I know to be true about myself. I am the family empath. Every family has one. The family empath is the person in the family who feels all of the un-said, un-resolved and un-named feelings within the family system. (not good times if you are either the child who has no idea that he/she has taken on this role or the parent on the receiving end of this sensitive child).
In the olden days the family empath was the one that used to be put in the insane asylums because they would constantly call the other family members out on their shit and need to be controlled. Since I figured this out about myself, my life has been a lot easier. I know that I am highly sensative, intuitive and tend to get overwhelmed very easily. In the past I have taken on responsibility for the emotions of others - because if you are gonna be the family empath, at some point you break down and want the others to feel 'happy' because you certainly don't want to feel the other stuff.
The need to distance myself from all the confusion within my family dynamics made me fiercely independent from a young age. I have spent a lot of time in the past years softening my independence so that I can find a way to feel both vulnerable and safe within my self. And my family has spent a lot of time probably confused, but still loving me, my need for space and my process.
I pride myself on the healthy boundaries I have made with my family in the past few years. It has been a lot of hard work on my part and I am not willing to collapse my boundaries to make others feel better. AND, they don't want me to do that either. The only issue with this way of being is that there is a lot of feeling of feelings, being responsible for ones truth, and continually 'not taking things personally'.
Anyway, I know that for my well being and healing, I need to have more time to figure out when would be appropriate, supportive and healing for me as to when the family comes out. And my family is so amazing, they know to give me space to make that call.
Due to a strange turn of life events, in the past two years, my older brother, Bryan, has become one of my closest friends. I look to him to bounce ideas off of and whose opinions and thoughts I have come to respect. Bryan was the first person in my family that I called. He remains calm, reminds me that I am not going through cancer by myself and that we will get through this as a family. We start to strategies about the best way to tell the other people in our family.
We decide that the best way to tell my busy sister, who is 4 months pregnant with baby number 3, is for me to send her an email asking her to call me when she had some time to chat. The email creates some space, but does nothing to buffer the shock of finding out that your only sister has cancer.
Then the 3 of us try t
o figure out the best way to tell my parents. Thursday the 14th, their anniversary would be a 'bad' day to tell them. Especially in light of not having any more conclusive information until Friday. I want them to find out in a way that is respectful and kind. I want them to feel supported. Since I'm in LA, Bryan is in Hong Kong and Rachey is in NYC, Rachel volunteers to go to Connecticut to see them and tell them in person. Bryan and I will be sitting by the phones to talk to them for the aftermath.Now comes the question everyone asks me, "Aren't your family coming out to be with you?" No. I don't want them to.
So, let me explain this.
Now, it is important for everyone to know that me not wanting my family to come out right away does not mean I don't love them. I love them very much, and I have no doubt of their love for me.
My family is all chomping at the bit to come out to LA and be with me. All of them have offered to come out yesterday. It is my brother who said it best. When he found out I had cancer he let his boss know. His boss said, "Why are you telling me this? shouldn't you be on a flight to Los Angeles now?" My brother chuckled and replied, "No. You don't know my sister. That is not what she would want me to do."
So, a bit of back story about what I know to be true about myself. I am the family empath. Every family has one. The family empath is the person in the family who feels all of the un-said, un-resolved and un-named feelings within the family system. (not good times if you are either the child who has no idea that he/she has taken on this role or the parent on the receiving end of this sensitive child).
In the olden days the family empath was the one that used to be put in the insane asylums because they would constantly call the other family members out on their shit and need to be controlled. Since I figured this out about myself, my life has been a lot easier. I know that I am highly sensative, intuitive and tend to get overwhelmed very easily. In the past I have taken on responsibility for the emotions of others - because if you are gonna be the family empath, at some point you break down and want the others to feel 'happy' because you certainly don't want to feel the other stuff.
The need to distance myself from all the confusion within my family dynamics made me fiercely independent from a young age. I have spent a lot of time in the past years softening my independence so that I can find a way to feel both vulnerable and safe within my self. And my family has spent a lot of time probably confused, but still loving me, my need for space and my process.
I pride myself on the healthy boundaries I have made with my family in the past few years. It has been a lot of hard work on my part and I am not willing to collapse my boundaries to make others feel better. AND, they don't want me to do that either. The only issue with this way of being is that there is a lot of feeling of feelings, being responsible for ones truth, and continually 'not taking things personally'.
Anyway, I know that for my well being and healing, I need to have more time to figure out when would be appropriate, supportive and healing for me as to when the family comes out. And my family is so amazing, they know to give me space to make that call.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The day I found out
Today is the day I found out I have cancer. To date, this has to be the most surreal moment of my life.
After my morning OB/GYN appointment, we were lucky enough to get an afternoon mammogram. While there, they found "nothing" on the mammogram and the doctor thought it was just a cyst. On my way to the next room to have an ultra sound I was trying to give my friend in the waiting room the "thumbs up" sign. And as I sat in the ultra sound chair trying to figure out how the cyst was gonna be removed and not cut into my life too much I heard the nurse and doctor both go, "oh, interesting". At that moment my heart plopped into the pit of my stomach and I just knew. And yet, I was not ready to hear.
"Ummmm, what?" "Huh?" "Are you sure?"
My friend was now in the room with me. The mammogram picked up nothing because it looks like it is lobular cancer, which tends not to be found on mammograms. So, as it was explained to me, there are 2 common kinds of breast cancer: lobular and ductal. 80% is ductal and 20% is lobular. Lobular is hard to see on a mammogram, but becomes well defined on the ultra sound.
"Do you want to do the biopsy now?"
As apposed to when?
Still in shock I had the left breast biopsied and a needle inserted into a left lymph node. It actually didn't hurt that much. Either that, or the endorphins from the shock were really working.
"Maybe it will come back negative?" I questioned my friend hopefully. God bless her and her love for me, as she just looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry. And there is always room for hope."
On the drive back to my friend's house I lost it. I was angry and full of tears. "You know, what pisses me off most? The fact that I'm single. I mean, I have no one at 'home' to share this journey with and support me! I even have to do this alone! Fuck."
She looked at me sympathetically, as she knows what I am talking about. It isn't just about being single, it is about having to do something in life that most of the world has the support of an intimate partner. Somehow I always end up doing the tough stuff alone.
"Damn-it. If I knew I was gonna have breast cancer at 39 I would have never gone down this healthy, self realizing path in life. I mean, I did the whole physical, mental, emotional and spiritual work and I still have breast cancer. I should have just gotten married to someone wealthy after college, spent my days hangin' out at the country club complaining and having cocktails with my lunch while someone else raised my kids!"
"Well, you could still marry someone wealthy."
Not the point...
I recovered from the shock at my friend's house and set off for home once I knew I could drive safely. I wanted to be home, in my house, in my space that I had ironically just finished the final makeover on.
At home I knew I could not be alone. I refuse to isolate myself on any part of this journey. So, I called over my aussie friend, Nickers, and asked her to just hang out with me. She smoked her ciggie on the porch as I shivered myself to sleep on this hot summer night on the velvet couch wrapped up in wool socks, sweat pants, a flannel shirt and cashmere hoodie.
I was up every 2-3 hours, wide awake, just like a mom does to breastfeed. The words "breast cancer" "huh?" "masectomy" "fucking hell" "chemotherapy" "what?" circled around and around. Each time I woke up, I’d drop back into my body and have a split second of dreaming that I had really just woken up from a great 9 hour stretch and felt well rested.
By the time 8:15 rolled around I whispered out “uncle” amist the tears of surrender.
I’m done fighting.
I have not given up, but I’m just done fighting. I have been fighting all my life and I know how to fight really, really well. And if I have to, then I will. But for now, I’m just really, really done. I was tired of fighting 3 months ago. And I’m still tired this morning.
And then it hit me. My three truths.
There are only three things that I can control:
1) how responsible I am for my choices
2) how trusting I am of my inner guidance
3) how much I love myself and others
Breath. Breathe. Space. More space…
Then it starts to build. Slowly. I can feel the edge of it. The fire inside of me. The determination. The will to live. My tenacity.
And I choose to be responsible for my body, to trust my body and to love my body.- God Damn it!!!!
That’s about it.
The rest is really in God’s hands.
After my morning OB/GYN appointment, we were lucky enough to get an afternoon mammogram. While there, they found "nothing" on the mammogram and the doctor thought it was just a cyst. On my way to the next room to have an ultra sound I was trying to give my friend in the waiting room the "thumbs up" sign. And as I sat in the ultra sound chair trying to figure out how the cyst was gonna be removed and not cut into my life too much I heard the nurse and doctor both go, "oh, interesting". At that moment my heart plopped into the pit of my stomach and I just knew. And yet, I was not ready to hear.
"Ummmm, what?" "Huh?" "Are you sure?"
My friend was now in the room with me. The mammogram picked up nothing because it looks like it is lobular cancer, which tends not to be found on mammograms. So, as it was explained to me, there are 2 common kinds of breast cancer: lobular and ductal. 80% is ductal and 20% is lobular. Lobular is hard to see on a mammogram, but becomes well defined on the ultra sound.
"Do you want to do the biopsy now?"
As apposed to when?
Still in shock I had the left breast biopsied and a needle inserted into a left lymph node. It actually didn't hurt that much. Either that, or the endorphins from the shock were really working.
"Maybe it will come back negative?" I questioned my friend hopefully. God bless her and her love for me, as she just looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry. And there is always room for hope."
On the drive back to my friend's house I lost it. I was angry and full of tears. "You know, what pisses me off most? The fact that I'm single. I mean, I have no one at 'home' to share this journey with and support me! I even have to do this alone! Fuck."
She looked at me sympathetically, as she knows what I am talking about. It isn't just about being single, it is about having to do something in life that most of the world has the support of an intimate partner. Somehow I always end up doing the tough stuff alone.
"Damn-it. If I knew I was gonna have breast cancer at 39 I would have never gone down this healthy, self realizing path in life. I mean, I did the whole physical, mental, emotional and spiritual work and I still have breast cancer. I should have just gotten married to someone wealthy after college, spent my days hangin' out at the country club complaining and having cocktails with my lunch while someone else raised my kids!"
"Well, you could still marry someone wealthy."
Not the point...
I recovered from the shock at my friend's house and set off for home once I knew I could drive safely. I wanted to be home, in my house, in my space that I had ironically just finished the final makeover on.
At home I knew I could not be alone. I refuse to isolate myself on any part of this journey. So, I called over my aussie friend, Nickers, and asked her to just hang out with me. She smoked her ciggie on the porch as I shivered myself to sleep on this hot summer night on the velvet couch wrapped up in wool socks, sweat pants, a flannel shirt and cashmere hoodie.
I was up every 2-3 hours, wide awake, just like a mom does to breastfeed. The words "breast cancer" "huh?" "masectomy" "fucking hell" "chemotherapy" "what?" circled around and around. Each time I woke up, I’d drop back into my body and have a split second of dreaming that I had really just woken up from a great 9 hour stretch and felt well rested.
By the time 8:15 rolled around I whispered out “uncle” amist the tears of surrender.
I’m done fighting.
I have not given up, but I’m just done fighting. I have been fighting all my life and I know how to fight really, really well. And if I have to, then I will. But for now, I’m just really, really done. I was tired of fighting 3 months ago. And I’m still tired this morning.
And then it hit me. My three truths.
There are only three things that I can control:
1) how responsible I am for my choices
2) how trusting I am of my inner guidance
3) how much I love myself and others
Breath. Breathe. Space. More space…
Then it starts to build. Slowly. I can feel the edge of it. The fire inside of me. The determination. The will to live. My tenacity.
And I choose to be responsible for my body, to trust my body and to love my body.- God Damn it!!!!
That’s about it.
The rest is really in God’s hands.
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