meeting my oncologist

I'm getting a bunch of phone calls from Ricardo, who has given me his direct line - he might give it to everyone, but it makes me feel special that I can talk directly to a person whenever I want - and Dr. Gould fits me in on Monday morning. I like that he's making space for me to move fast, coz I feel like the cancer is rapidly dividing in my body.

My first hit is that I like this place. The energy is clean and clear. The space is modern and clean. Sufi likes that there are bowls of candy everywhere. The fish tank is pretty interesting in the waiting room. It feels good to be here and my mood is high.

The biopsy slides have yet to be sent over to Cedars, so we only have the results from the mammogram place, and it is not as detailed as he would like.

Dr. G starts to explain my cancer and my options and I feel my brain swell up with information. I loose him with all the anacronyms that are soon to become normal words in my everyday life. What we do know is at this point it is lobular cancer. We do not know is it's details - HER-2, ER/PR sensativity, staging...

From my point of view, I live in Los Angeles and I'm at Cedars. I'm not gonna end up with some schmoo of a doctor. People travel to Los Angeles from all over the world to get cancer treatments here. And yes there are different Chemo protocols, but most doctors draw from the same studies.

Dr. G advises on an aggressive treatment called TAC, that is given every 3 weeks, 6 times. Even though we do not have definative tests back yet, he is wanting to do this treatment because it is Lobular Cancer and in my lymphs.

I ask him, "Am I gonna loose my hair"

"Yes," he replies with compassion. "You are having the kind of chemo that will cause you to loose your hair."

Damn. He seems to be saying the same thing as everyone else.

Now I ask him the most imporant question, "How do you make your decisions as a doctor?"

He looks right at me as he points to his head and says, "I read all the studies, at it comes into here," and then he points to his heart, "And filtered through here." Yup, any doctor who can bring his heart into the decision is the one I want to work with. He will understand and see me, and that is a very important piece for my healing.

I know we are moving faster than most people advise, and I know I have not had second opinion, but I feel good and my intuition keeps letting me know that we are right on track with the doctors and perscribed treatment.

So, I ask him how soon can I get the juice in my body? He supports me by letting me know as soon as I want it. I want it by the end of the week, and ask for Friday. He says, "Fine" and starts to make the plans.

We chat a bit more and I start to understand there will be not much difference if I start Friday or give myself a few more days to get organized and start next week. I also learn that whatever day I pick will be the same day that I come back for all my treatments.

So, I choose Wednesday. That gives me the weekend to recover and hopefully I can be physically productive the rest of the days.

Within in two weeks of being diagnosed with breast cancer I will have chemo seeping through my body. Right On!!!! I am so getting the red carpet treatment!!!

Tests, tests and MORE tests

Fuck. Last week I had no use for a hospital. I'm never been sick, so what would I need a hospital for? This week I have more tests done to me than... than.... oh, I have no idea. I just never thought I would be here. I'm at Cedars every-other day right now. The tests are defenately putting a dent in my daily life.


My friends come with me to watch me model the latest in hospital gown, chug fake yogurt/barrium drinks, joke with the technitians, request decent music for the insertion into the magnetic field, watch me be injected by radio active sugar, schelp my bags for me, watch me enter into space tunnels and basically make sure that I don't have a S.O.H.F. (sense of humor failure).

The upside to this is I have a fascinating DVD of my brain. For those of you into Cranial Sacral work, you will be just as glued to the DVD as I am!! It is pretty amazing what technology can do these days!