I wake up this morning and cancel my day. I feel 'blah'.
Blah, Blah, Blah.
In fact, I have been feeling blah for sometime now. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I'm not excited. I'm not motivated. I'm not depressed. I'm just nothing. A whole lot of nothing.
I'm loosing my speed on eating right. I'm starting to not care what goes in anymore.
I have not felt this way about food and nourishing myself in a long time.
And how I am relating to food is how I feel about life at the moment.
And it bothers me.
So, I cancel my day, stay in my Pjs, grab a book and call the troops.
First there is Lisa, my acupuncture school buddy who lives in Austin.
"Lisa, what is going on with me? I so don't feel myself. I'm not depressed, but I am lethargic. I seem to have no opinion. Staying in bed sounds find to me. Doing nothing works. I'm kinda sad. But not really. I'm more a puddle of mush."
"Well, are you getting your period?"
Then it hits me.
I pull up my calender.
There it is.
I am one month to the day and have no signs of bleeding.
I am here.
In that place I so did not want to be.
And I am sad.
My hormones are officially fucked up.
And then I call Anna W. and tell her what Lisa and I have been talking about and she concurs that when your hormones are all over the place, this is what happens.
And then she brilliantly adds:
"Lizzi, it isn't just the cancer that is dieing off, but all the growing cells of your body are being killed by the chemo. You have so much death circulating through your body I'm amazed you have been doing as well as you have. Who the hell wants to get out and live outside with that much death circulating on the inside? Sounds like your body knows exactly what to do."
For years I have touting my self care with mental and emotional sickness too. When ones body is physically sick, what do you want to do? Pull down the shades, hide under the covers and lie there while someone brings you chicken soup. So why is it that when we are mental or emotional sickness we don't allow our body the same respect? Why do we insist that we have to over-ride that sad, blah place? Why don't we take the days off for those spaces? Why is being motivated and 'on' all the time the 'right' way?
People, I am not talking about spending day upon day alone in the bedroom. I'm talking about being kind to the body, allowing oneself to spend time in a darkened room (to avoid being overwhelmed) and getting support (professional and personal) so one is not alone during this time.
My body had hit the 'blahs' and it knows what it needs. It wants to just lie around in an under-stimulating room. And I have never had a problem practicing what I preach, but this one was getting to me. I feel so foreign in my body. And I don't want it to esculate into depression.
I pause to take in Anna's words and honor the place of death within me.
She is right. My body is telling me exactly what to do.
And I quite satisfactorly go back to what I have been excelling at lately: Nothing. And party people, I do nothing really, really well!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
What's the deal with raw food???
Have you ever had a friend that you call and talk to every day when you are single? A person you look forward to sharing and bitching and talking and griping to? And for some reason, when you talk to that person whole worlds of insight open up that you never even realized before? And it gets to the point were you joke that you are dating, even though it is only a daily 8:30 am morning call while you both brush your teeth? That is Anna Werderitch in my life. We don’t do the daily phone calls any more, but she is still my ‘go to’ friend with regards to all my deep life quibbles.
Anna is a Licensed Acupuncturist and Herbalist. We met in school. Her enthusiasm and knowledge of plant and animal medicines calms my bones. Back in the early days, when we had an acupuncture practice together, we were trying to figure out our specialties without creating limits. We were both passionate about supporting women, and had both just become doulas. While meeting with a senior acupuncturist in the community, he spelled it out for us.
“You are gonna have to choose. What’s it gonna be? Are you going to make the babies or birth the babies?”
We looked at each other with tears in our eyes and we both new instantly our heart's choice.
“I wanna make the babies!” Anna cried. And she does. She is a sought after acupuncturist who has supported many women overcome fertility challenges.
As the tears welled up inside me I felt the words tumble out, “I wanna birth the babies!”.
Anna was the first person to witness me declare my soul’s calling as a midwife.
As soon as I got diagnosed with the c, I called her up and asked her to be in charge of my nutrition to create more choices for my health and well being in the hopes of limiting the toxic side effect of the plethora of medications. Together we keep changing and modifying my diet, but for the most part everything you read in my blog regarding my nutritional choices has been passed through Anna.
"So, what is the deal with raw food anyways? Isn't it filled with bacteria and bad for you?"
I’m hearing this a lot lately. So, I will grab a soap box and explain.
Many, many years ago, people used to either have or live near a local farm. We’d eat as dictated by the seasons and eat yummy dairy and meat products from animals that were well cared for and treated. These animal wear not sick, they were healthy. And the milk and meat products they produced did not contain sickness, but contained life force, good bacteria, the enzymes needed to digest the food and health!
Flash forward to nationalized agriculture. People started to take nature and turn it into a business. Animals were inhumanely treated and getting diseases. And way back then, in 1880, when pasturization was introduced, there were no refrigerators, or choline or sterilization techniques that we had today. The milk and meat products they produced contained those diseases. Instead of treated the animals kindly, the thought became, “How can we sell dairy and meat products that have disease in them? hmmmmm, let’s Pasturize everything and the bad diseases will be gone!!" (along with all the good nutrients). And yes, if you are going to eat mass produced foods that has no integrity behind them please do NOT eat them raw!! Make sure they are pasturized, or you too will get sick!
Modern raw milk products are produced by people who treat their cows well. Here is a quote from Organic Pastures, my resource for raw dairy: “ Our individually named cows are never given antibiotics, hormones, or GMOs (Genetically Modified Organisms). Only organic green pasture and approved naturopathic methods are used to feed and care for the cows. Preventative, nature-based healthcare keeps the herd healthy all year. “. (coz you know, there is a theory out there that Genetically Modified Food treated with hormones causes cancer! And that is the stuff my generation grew up on!).
The advantage to not pasteurizing this food is that you get all the natural enzymes that nature intended to digest the food going in. Raw foods are considered alkaline in nature, so if your stomach has a lot of acid, don’t you think raw, cooling alkaline food would feel better? And the Raw Cow Colostrum works on the same theory of mom’s colostrums. It is the ‘superfood’ of the milk, containing not only pro-biotics and enzymes, but also immunoglobulins! (but note to all cancer/chemo people reading this, I have stopped with the colostrum because it also contains a growth hormone that is good for creating new cells in the intestines, but I'm not sure if that would be good for my hormone sensitive cancer).
When you choose food that is raw, you are choosing food that has been grown and processed with a level of care that you do not find in pasturized food. There is a big difference in not only tasted but also in nutrition and life force between fresh squeezed orange juice and orange juice that is from a carton.
Now, all this food comes with a warning from our government, but isn’t our government the same organization that will not support the ‘health’ in our ‘healthcare’? Why would I trust them to tell me the truth around raw foods, when the person in charge of that health warning looks unhealthy? Any doctor who is a good doctor will state their doctor point of view, and tell you they are not trained in nutrition or herbs and that they could not only comment, but they trust that “you” will make good choices for your own body. And that is what I have surrounded myself with on my medical team.
I have chosen my medical team because they practice good medicine by allowing me to work with informed consent. My medical team does not tell me what to do, but they give me the information, the data and their 2-cents so that I can make and take responsibility for my informed choice. And when they do have a strong opinion (like I need to do the 6 full rounds of chemo to have it work) I listen!
As Doctor G stated, the scientific data is inconclusive regarding raw foods causing neutrapinic fever or not. The data may concur that our own bodies bacteria cause it and it is not coming from outside sources.
I am honoring my bodies craving for fats by offering it healthy fats: raw milk, butter, cream, avocados, eggs, raw almonds... so I do not make myself sick with unhealthy fats: cookies, cakes, deserts... And it is pretty effortless when I listen to my bodies needs.
And this is an unscientific experiment, as there is no other study but moi that I know of, but the numbness and neuropathy has decreased significantly since I started back up on the raw dairy. Intuitively I feel like the good fats are coating my nervous system to support it during this physiologically stressful time.
More raw milk facts: http://www.raw-milk-facts.com/raw-medicine.html
Organic Pastures, where I get my raw milk from: http://www.organicpastures.com/faq.html
And an all around easy to read fabu book on whole foods: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life, by Barbara Kingslover. http://www.kingsolver.com/home/index.asp
Anna is a Licensed Acupuncturist and Herbalist. We met in school. Her enthusiasm and knowledge of plant and animal medicines calms my bones. Back in the early days, when we had an acupuncture practice together, we were trying to figure out our specialties without creating limits. We were both passionate about supporting women, and had both just become doulas. While meeting with a senior acupuncturist in the community, he spelled it out for us.
“You are gonna have to choose. What’s it gonna be? Are you going to make the babies or birth the babies?”
We looked at each other with tears in our eyes and we both new instantly our heart's choice.
“I wanna make the babies!” Anna cried. And she does. She is a sought after acupuncturist who has supported many women overcome fertility challenges.
As the tears welled up inside me I felt the words tumble out, “I wanna birth the babies!”.
Anna was the first person to witness me declare my soul’s calling as a midwife.
As soon as I got diagnosed with the c, I called her up and asked her to be in charge of my nutrition to create more choices for my health and well being in the hopes of limiting the toxic side effect of the plethora of medications. Together we keep changing and modifying my diet, but for the most part everything you read in my blog regarding my nutritional choices has been passed through Anna.
"So, what is the deal with raw food anyways? Isn't it filled with bacteria and bad for you?"
I’m hearing this a lot lately. So, I will grab a soap box and explain.
Many, many years ago, people used to either have or live near a local farm. We’d eat as dictated by the seasons and eat yummy dairy and meat products from animals that were well cared for and treated. These animal wear not sick, they were healthy. And the milk and meat products they produced did not contain sickness, but contained life force, good bacteria, the enzymes needed to digest the food and health!
Flash forward to nationalized agriculture. People started to take nature and turn it into a business. Animals were inhumanely treated and getting diseases. And way back then, in 1880, when pasturization was introduced, there were no refrigerators, or choline or sterilization techniques that we had today. The milk and meat products they produced contained those diseases. Instead of treated the animals kindly, the thought became, “How can we sell dairy and meat products that have disease in them? hmmmmm, let’s Pasturize everything and the bad diseases will be gone!!" (along with all the good nutrients). And yes, if you are going to eat mass produced foods that has no integrity behind them please do NOT eat them raw!! Make sure they are pasturized, or you too will get sick!
Modern raw milk products are produced by people who treat their cows well. Here is a quote from Organic Pastures, my resource for raw dairy: “ Our individually named cows are never given antibiotics, hormones, or GMOs (Genetically Modified Organisms). Only organic green pasture and approved naturopathic methods are used to feed and care for the cows. Preventative, nature-based healthcare keeps the herd healthy all year. “. (coz you know, there is a theory out there that Genetically Modified Food treated with hormones causes cancer! And that is the stuff my generation grew up on!).
The advantage to not pasteurizing this food is that you get all the natural enzymes that nature intended to digest the food going in. Raw foods are considered alkaline in nature, so if your stomach has a lot of acid, don’t you think raw, cooling alkaline food would feel better? And the Raw Cow Colostrum works on the same theory of mom’s colostrums. It is the ‘superfood’ of the milk, containing not only pro-biotics and enzymes, but also immunoglobulins! (but note to all cancer/chemo people reading this, I have stopped with the colostrum because it also contains a growth hormone that is good for creating new cells in the intestines, but I'm not sure if that would be good for my hormone sensitive cancer).
When you choose food that is raw, you are choosing food that has been grown and processed with a level of care that you do not find in pasturized food. There is a big difference in not only tasted but also in nutrition and life force between fresh squeezed orange juice and orange juice that is from a carton.
Now, all this food comes with a warning from our government, but isn’t our government the same organization that will not support the ‘health’ in our ‘healthcare’? Why would I trust them to tell me the truth around raw foods, when the person in charge of that health warning looks unhealthy? Any doctor who is a good doctor will state their doctor point of view, and tell you they are not trained in nutrition or herbs and that they could not only comment, but they trust that “you” will make good choices for your own body. And that is what I have surrounded myself with on my medical team.
I have chosen my medical team because they practice good medicine by allowing me to work with informed consent. My medical team does not tell me what to do, but they give me the information, the data and their 2-cents so that I can make and take responsibility for my informed choice. And when they do have a strong opinion (like I need to do the 6 full rounds of chemo to have it work) I listen!
As Doctor G stated, the scientific data is inconclusive regarding raw foods causing neutrapinic fever or not. The data may concur that our own bodies bacteria cause it and it is not coming from outside sources.
I am honoring my bodies craving for fats by offering it healthy fats: raw milk, butter, cream, avocados, eggs, raw almonds... so I do not make myself sick with unhealthy fats: cookies, cakes, deserts... And it is pretty effortless when I listen to my bodies needs.
And this is an unscientific experiment, as there is no other study but moi that I know of, but the numbness and neuropathy has decreased significantly since I started back up on the raw dairy. Intuitively I feel like the good fats are coating my nervous system to support it during this physiologically stressful time.
More raw milk facts: http://www.raw-milk-facts.com/raw-medicine.html
Organic Pastures, where I get my raw milk from: http://www.organicpastures.com/faq.html
And an all around easy to read fabu book on whole foods: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life, by Barbara Kingslover. http://www.kingsolver.com/home/index.asp
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Cleaning up the small stuff
Today was a very good day.
I got 8 hours of sleep and had a whole day to myself with no commitments outside of my flat.
So what did I do? I cleaned. I didn't just clean... I SCRUBED!! what a blessing!!
I got out my non-toxic, essential oil cleaner (coz you know, those toxic cleaners can cause cancer!) and started to scrub the bathroom - from floor to tub. I caught up on some long overdue phone calls while I scrubbed, washed, cleaned and scrubbed some more. I said 'goodbye' to all the hair products I had no use for, and stored them away. The hair ties that I routinely grabbed in the morning to keep my hair from getting wet in the shower were delegated to a new home outside of the bathroom. There was much satisfaction to be found in throwing out expired products collected under the sink. Next thing you know, 5 hours later, I was done with the bathroom!
What joy to not have to go to the doctors! What joy to feel well enough to move off the couch! What joy to ignore the mail! What joy to have a day off!! What joy to have time to shoot the shit on the phone!! What joy to have a day to do a mundane task well.
I still got tired from all the activity, so I took a short nap.
After I awoke, I replace the shower filter on my freshly scrubbed tub (coz you know, all those toxins in the water not only dry out your skin, but they can cause cancer! :) And took the time to check into "The Church of Me".
"The Church of Me" was made up by my college room-mate and is my favorite church of all time. My attendance at church was slacking. I usually don't like to put blame elsewhere, but the Chemo had put a real damper on my attendance.
I found the right salts and oils for the bath, an esential oil compresses for my face and an all natural green moisture mask!
I went to put my hair up, and forgot that it was no longer going to get in the way of my mask. Then I figured, "why stop at the face?" The ginning green photo even made me laugh.
I have so enjoyed this simple day.
I got 8 hours of sleep and had a whole day to myself with no commitments outside of my flat.
So what did I do? I cleaned. I didn't just clean... I SCRUBED!! what a blessing!!
I got out my non-toxic, essential oil cleaner (coz you know, those toxic cleaners can cause cancer!) and started to scrub the bathroom - from floor to tub. I caught up on some long overdue phone calls while I scrubbed, washed, cleaned and scrubbed some more. I said 'goodbye' to all the hair products I had no use for, and stored them away. The hair ties that I routinely grabbed in the morning to keep my hair from getting wet in the shower were delegated to a new home outside of the bathroom. There was much satisfaction to be found in throwing out expired products collected under the sink. Next thing you know, 5 hours later, I was done with the bathroom!
What joy to not have to go to the doctors! What joy to feel well enough to move off the couch! What joy to ignore the mail! What joy to have a day off!! What joy to have time to shoot the shit on the phone!! What joy to have a day to do a mundane task well.
I still got tired from all the activity, so I took a short nap.
After I awoke, I replace the shower filter on my freshly scrubbed tub (coz you know, all those toxins in the water not only dry out your skin, but they can cause cancer! :) And took the time to check into "The Church of Me".
"The Church of Me" was made up by my college room-mate and is my favorite church of all time. My attendance at church was slacking. I usually don't like to put blame elsewhere, but the Chemo had put a real damper on my attendance.
I found the right salts and oils for the bath, an esential oil compresses for my face and an all natural green moisture mask!
I went to put my hair up, and forgot that it was no longer going to get in the way of my mask. Then I figured, "why stop at the face?" The ginning green photo even made me laugh.
I have so enjoyed this simple day.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
meeting an angel, literally
I had just left my one week after chemo appointment with Dr. G. , where everything is going well. My White Blood Cells (WBC) are fine for a Wednesday after chemo. Nurse Ana got all freaked out that I’m eating raw foods (she doesn’t want to hear the sushi stories), Dr. G is fine with my raw food consumption, as studies don’t show if is our food’s bacteria or our own bodies bacteria cause neutrapinic fever – I’m still taking my anti-biotics, so I have no idea how I could get sick. The dry skin is cumulative from the chemo and normal. I still have eyebrows, impressive. The neropathy comes and goes, normal. The shortness of breath coming and going is normal. The thick yellow coat on my tongue has become normal. I’m negotiating new drugs from the acid and reflux after the chemo, which is probably a side-effect of the steroid meds. Dr. G. is pleased I am napping. They all gave me compassionate nods as I played my ‘lack of nose hairs’ violin’. I’m going back on Friday to have another blood draw to confirm my WBC are high enough to go off the anti-biotics.
Everybody is smiling. I leave in a good mood. I have some time to spare before Ana Paula and I give a talk about Doulas at a friend's yoga studio.
I come out of Cedars with my sunglasses on and make a right on Beverly. As I meander down Beverly Blvd I do a very “un-LA” move: when I approached La Cienega Blvd, across from the Beverly Center, I unexpectedly slowed down as I approached the yellow light and watch it turn to red as I come to a complete stop. This is a very long light, so I decide to take advantage of it and call Stacey in Portland. As the phone is ringing I looked up to see a man all dressed in black, with his hair slicked back with an over suntanned face, holding a wrapped and bagged subway grinder in his left hand. He looks to be homeless as he approached the cars in order from the curb, but more ‘clean’ homeless than ‘dirty’ homeless.
As he approached my car he stops right in front and proceeds to make the sign of the cross with his right hand and then bows slightly while saying, “bless you” over and over and over again. I'm a bit confused, but enthralled.
I'm not one who gives homeless people energy in the form of money, but rather I give my energy in the form of presence. I always make it a habit to look the person in the eyes when I kindly say "No" and offer them my presence, a greeting or a blessing.
A homeless person blessing me, this is a first.
I was a bit taken off-gaurd, as there are never homeless people in this part LA. Hollywood, Sunset, yeah sure. But the corner of the Beverly Center? Never before in my 11 years here. I have to confess, I was trying to determine if he was doing this to everyone in a crazy 'hearing voices' kinda way, or was he just doing this for me. And I realized he was purposely getting my attention.
He starts to talk some more in words I can not understand and makes the hand sign for money and shakes his head "no".
I forget that I am leaving Stacy a message and through my sunglasses and my tinted front window, I’m nodding back with my hands at my heart saying “thank you”.
While he is still rambling, he makes his way over to the drivers side. I want to hear what he is saying to me and I want him to see me thank him, so I roll down my darkened front window. As he approaches he is continuing to make the sign of the cross and blessing me and now I can hear his words, “No money. No Money. I see you. You see the truth. It is in your eyes. I see you. ”
At this point he is next to my window rambling blessings and thank yous on and on. To respect him, I take off my sunglasses so I can see him and look into his eyes while I say, “Thank you for your blessing.” And he looks right at me and says again, “No money. Thank you. You have given me so much already. More that I could want for this day. I am filled. Your eyes. They see the truth. Thank you. Thank you. Bless you."
And as he backs off while bowing to the corner of Beverly and La Cienega, I try to re-assess what just happened.
The light turns green and I do one quick turn to look at him before I go and he is still there, on the sidewalk he continues to making the sign of the cross and point at me while saying, "Bless you. Thank you, You have given me so much."
As the light turned green I feel warm, cleansing tears caress my face. Drop by drop they slowly rolled down.
I tell Ana Paula what just happened and she replies, "I have chills. You have just met one of God's many angels. Wow!"
I am in awe.
Everybody is smiling. I leave in a good mood. I have some time to spare before Ana Paula and I give a talk about Doulas at a friend's yoga studio.
I come out of Cedars with my sunglasses on and make a right on Beverly. As I meander down Beverly Blvd I do a very “un-LA” move: when I approached La Cienega Blvd, across from the Beverly Center, I unexpectedly slowed down as I approached the yellow light and watch it turn to red as I come to a complete stop. This is a very long light, so I decide to take advantage of it and call Stacey in Portland. As the phone is ringing I looked up to see a man all dressed in black, with his hair slicked back with an over suntanned face, holding a wrapped and bagged subway grinder in his left hand. He looks to be homeless as he approached the cars in order from the curb, but more ‘clean’ homeless than ‘dirty’ homeless.
As he approached my car he stops right in front and proceeds to make the sign of the cross with his right hand and then bows slightly while saying, “bless you” over and over and over again. I'm a bit confused, but enthralled.
I'm not one who gives homeless people energy in the form of money, but rather I give my energy in the form of presence. I always make it a habit to look the person in the eyes when I kindly say "No" and offer them my presence, a greeting or a blessing.
A homeless person blessing me, this is a first.
I was a bit taken off-gaurd, as there are never homeless people in this part LA. Hollywood, Sunset, yeah sure. But the corner of the Beverly Center? Never before in my 11 years here. I have to confess, I was trying to determine if he was doing this to everyone in a crazy 'hearing voices' kinda way, or was he just doing this for me. And I realized he was purposely getting my attention.
He starts to talk some more in words I can not understand and makes the hand sign for money and shakes his head "no".
I forget that I am leaving Stacy a message and through my sunglasses and my tinted front window, I’m nodding back with my hands at my heart saying “thank you”.
While he is still rambling, he makes his way over to the drivers side. I want to hear what he is saying to me and I want him to see me thank him, so I roll down my darkened front window. As he approaches he is continuing to make the sign of the cross and blessing me and now I can hear his words, “No money. No Money. I see you. You see the truth. It is in your eyes. I see you. ”
At this point he is next to my window rambling blessings and thank yous on and on. To respect him, I take off my sunglasses so I can see him and look into his eyes while I say, “Thank you for your blessing.” And he looks right at me and says again, “No money. Thank you. You have given me so much already. More that I could want for this day. I am filled. Your eyes. They see the truth. Thank you. Thank you. Bless you."
And as he backs off while bowing to the corner of Beverly and La Cienega, I try to re-assess what just happened.
The light turns green and I do one quick turn to look at him before I go and he is still there, on the sidewalk he continues to making the sign of the cross and point at me while saying, "Bless you. Thank you, You have given me so much."
As the light turned green I feel warm, cleansing tears caress my face. Drop by drop they slowly rolled down.
I tell Ana Paula what just happened and she replies, "I have chills. You have just met one of God's many angels. Wow!"
I am in awe.
Monday, October 13, 2008
celebrate your noses hairs!!!
This was a big weekend for me. I went public with my professional life on Saturday and then public with my personal life on Sunday. I'm pretty proud of myself and the courage I have shown to be seen in my truth. And I'm tired. I forget how much energy I spend in just plan old "being".
I finally made my way out of my business partner, Ana Paula's, house today. It is always bitter sweet as I love being around families (and home cooked meals), but I'm ready to be back in my own bed. And it is always an extra treat being with AP, as she is Brazilian. The Brazilian lifestyle is ever present in her daily life as we sip tea and drink coffee throughout the day, sharing endless stories, checking our emails, planning business strategies, napping and chatting with whoever shows up as we move from the kitchen to the den to the garden and back into the kitchen again.
I moved slowly out of her house into our loft/office space where we held a peer review for the doula's in our agency. I went to the peer review, doing the Florida shuffle as I progressed, not because I 'have to', but because I want to. I'm a self proclaimed birth junky! Sharing stories and supporting each other feeds my soul! That's a picture some of us today goofing around.
I've started taking my anti-biotics and am tired, as I can feel my white blood cells decline. I am also having more neuropathy, but I know that if I rest and get more sleep then the tingling and sharp jabbing electrical bolts will ease up (at least that is what happened before round 3). I am walking slowly, I have to take big breaths and I'm having these funny sensations in my nose when I breath in because I no longer have nose hairs! And I looked!! it is so very strange. It is like breathing in New York City air on a crisp fall morning. The difference is, in New York you can choose to go inside and warm up, getting away from the light tingling sensation. I can't. Again, no one told me about this loss either!
And all I can do is sit here and laugh.
This is so ridiculous!
I am just gonna have to get used to my precious air warming/filter system - which I admit I had never appreciated before - being offically GONE! and there is nothing to be done until they grow back! Not a thing! Anyways, I have more important things to do... like watch another movie!
Alright, I guess I'll just add this one to my ever growing list of my new state of 'normalcy'.
Whatever!
I finally made my way out of my business partner, Ana Paula's, house today. It is always bitter sweet as I love being around families (and home cooked meals), but I'm ready to be back in my own bed. And it is always an extra treat being with AP, as she is Brazilian. The Brazilian lifestyle is ever present in her daily life as we sip tea and drink coffee throughout the day, sharing endless stories, checking our emails, planning business strategies, napping and chatting with whoever shows up as we move from the kitchen to the den to the garden and back into the kitchen again.
I moved slowly out of her house into our loft/office space where we held a peer review for the doula's in our agency. I went to the peer review, doing the Florida shuffle as I progressed, not because I 'have to', but because I want to. I'm a self proclaimed birth junky! Sharing stories and supporting each other feeds my soul! That's a picture some of us today goofing around.
I've started taking my anti-biotics and am tired, as I can feel my white blood cells decline. I am also having more neuropathy, but I know that if I rest and get more sleep then the tingling and sharp jabbing electrical bolts will ease up (at least that is what happened before round 3). I am walking slowly, I have to take big breaths and I'm having these funny sensations in my nose when I breath in because I no longer have nose hairs! And I looked!! it is so very strange. It is like breathing in New York City air on a crisp fall morning. The difference is, in New York you can choose to go inside and warm up, getting away from the light tingling sensation. I can't. Again, no one told me about this loss either!
And all I can do is sit here and laugh.
This is so ridiculous!
I am just gonna have to get used to my precious air warming/filter system - which I admit I had never appreciated before - being offically GONE! and there is nothing to be done until they grow back! Not a thing! Anyways, I have more important things to do... like watch another movie!
Alright, I guess I'll just add this one to my ever growing list of my new state of 'normalcy'.
Whatever!
Blue Orb Update
After Sufi read my post she emailed me to let me know about the blue orb imagery.
This time around she was guided to turn the chemo into blue orbs instead of hawks. The blue orbs were a transporters or bubbles "carrying the word 'opening' since the cancer has gotten very smart building doors. The orbs look harmless to the cancer unlike the hawk formations and the word opens the way."
Okay, for those of you not into the energetics of this adventure, I know blue orbs are a bit 'woo-woo'. But what I think you will find as interesting as I do is how Sufi's intuition concurs with my second opinion doctor.
The second opinion doctor told me that there is a new treatment by UCLA for my kind of cancer that is not as toxic as TAC, but is only about 5 years old in the breast cancer 'data' world. He said that if he was treating me, he'd use TAC too. But, if TAC should not work OR if the cancer got smart and learned how to fight the TAC protocol, I still have another chemo option to try.
My understanding is that sometimes cancer becomes like longer hair... it can build up a tolerance to the same shampooo.... so sometimes you gotta switch shampoos to get the same result!
What is interesting to me is that I never told Sufi this detail. All on her own she came up with 1) changing the imagery and 2) changing it because the cancer is getting smart!
It thrills me when there is tangible validation for our intuition!
This time around she was guided to turn the chemo into blue orbs instead of hawks. The blue orbs were a transporters or bubbles "carrying the word 'opening' since the cancer has gotten very smart building doors. The orbs look harmless to the cancer unlike the hawk formations and the word opens the way."
Okay, for those of you not into the energetics of this adventure, I know blue orbs are a bit 'woo-woo'. But what I think you will find as interesting as I do is how Sufi's intuition concurs with my second opinion doctor.
The second opinion doctor told me that there is a new treatment by UCLA for my kind of cancer that is not as toxic as TAC, but is only about 5 years old in the breast cancer 'data' world. He said that if he was treating me, he'd use TAC too. But, if TAC should not work OR if the cancer got smart and learned how to fight the TAC protocol, I still have another chemo option to try.
My understanding is that sometimes cancer becomes like longer hair... it can build up a tolerance to the same shampooo.... so sometimes you gotta switch shampoos to get the same result!
What is interesting to me is that I never told Sufi this detail. All on her own she came up with 1) changing the imagery and 2) changing it because the cancer is getting smart!
It thrills me when there is tangible validation for our intuition!
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