Natty Ass Hair

The hair today is close to shamefull. I just wanted my hair to last until Sunday. Serves me right for being so willfull. UGGGH

The falling out of my hair has gone beyond nasty. All day it has been dropping everywhere. I'm picking off the floor, my shirt, my morning goat yogurt, Molly's chew toys... I can't wait to have it off and I can do a good vacumming at home!

While waiting for my plethora of perscriptions at CostCo (the rumour is that the drugs are cheaper there... but 45 minutes later, they were the same price as Wallgreens) I started to feel a heaviness in the back of my head. I put my hands to the back of my head to find one huge, nappy ass dread lock!! YUCK!!!

So, what happens is all the hair that has already fallen out at a fast pace that I have refused to brush out got all tangled up in the other hair. Who would have thought this was going to happen.... again.... "I thought dot dot dot" I guess I have gone beyond the point of donating it...

Every corner has new surprises! And we shall see if my hair lasts until tomorrow afternoon. I hope so, I just bought purple hair die!

Work is Cauling Me Back

All of my clients (both doula and midwife) know that I have "Titty Cancer" (as Ana P likes to call it). Together, in relationship, with me taking nothing personally, we decide how they would like to move forward.

This is a very hard place for me for two reasons. 1) I do not have a '9-5' job. I'm on call 24/7 when I take a client on. That means I could have 10 days 'off' (even thought I am on call) and other days I start my work 'day' at 3am. There is NO consitancy. It is kinda hard to work my schedule around the chemo and visa versa. 2) One of the reason someone hires a doula is so they have a consistent person at the birth of their baby. Me, going through Chemo does not make me 'consistient'.

I get frustrated, because not only do I love what I do for a living, but I also make money by working, and my doctor feels that my line of work will not be condusive to the chemo. The strange part is that since the cancer I feel I'm better at my job than ever.... I have a level of clarity that has not been present before and I'm even better at 'holding space' - which is what I feel is the difference between 'good' birthing support and 'excellent' birthing support.

All of my doula clients who want to continue working with me are doing so with 2 conditions: 1) I am honest with them if I am not feeling physically able to be at the birth and 2) I'm working in a team situation with another senior doula in the community.

One of my second time moms decided that she wanted me to be there, but only if I was honest with her and made space for myself if I did not feel well and not show up. She also did not want my backup, so she said if I could make it: great. If I could not, she would trust that I did not need to be there. I agreed. I have learned the hard way through eating many a slice of humble pie to make clear boundaries about what I can and can not do. In the past, I am known to have a lot of energy, health and stamina. (being a single gal helps, as there are not a lot of demands on my time). In the past if I was tired, in knew that I could spent the whole next day sleeping. In the present I need to keep checking in and not over-ride the places where I start to get tired.

As in life, martyrdom is not healthy and certainly does not work at a birth. I know from personal experience how important it is for everyone in the birthing room who wants to help the mom needs to take care of their own needs and feel well supported. That way the birthing mother does not have to take care of other people's needs, and can focus on her own very important need: birthing the baby.

As life would happen, this mom was not due until the day after my 2nd round of chemo. So, we talk about how if she went on her due date, I might not be there. And again, we both did the only thing we could do: surrendered and trust.

Wouldn't you know it, I woke up today energized and feeling as close to rested and 'normal' as I had felt in a while.

At 12:15pm I got the first phone call, "Elizabeth, I'm having contractions every 10 minutes. I think things are happening."

"Great. Let me know if you either need me or they get closer together."

At 2:15pm I got the call to meet them at the hospital.

By the time we got there, things were rockin' and rollin'. Contractions were coming every 3-5 minutes and you could tell, even though she was breathing calmly, they were intense.

I kept checking in with my body to make sure I was NOT over extending myself. I did not need to do any heavy massaging, or counter-pressure. What this mom needed from me was my full presence, my words and her hand to be held.

Usually, 'not doing' is a hard place for me to be at a birth. But today, not only was it important for my health, but it was EXACTLY what this mom needed.

Somewhere around 5pm, as I was checking in my body, I felt that I was starting to loose energy and knew I didn't have more than an hour left... and, coincidently, at that exact moment I hear mom go, "PUSHING!!". In rushes the Resident Nikki, as the doctor is on his way, but not in the building. 15 minutes later, without the use of any drugs, her 2nd son was born in the caul! (being born in the caul happens in 1 out of every 1,000 births and is very auspicious).

It brings tears to my eyes when I am not in treatment to witness the strength and vulnerability as a mom surrendering into the unknown, willingly. Today, my heart opened even wider, as I stepped into a place of immense gratitude that even while in the middle of my chemo treatments, I could continue on my souls calling.

The timing of when she went into labor, and the length of the birth proves to me that I continue to be supported by a force larger than who I am. These are the moments when I am SO glad I am not in charge, for I could have not planned the timing of this birth with my chemo treatments more perfectly. These are the moments when I know I am still being guided.

Thank you Enzo for asking me to be present on your Birthday!!

Life as an aging rock star.

"So," Rachey asked in her daily phone call to me, "What's new?"

"Well, I have officaly become an aging rock star. My long hair is just falling out of me in clumps. It just collects on my clothes, and as I pick it off, more comes out in these grodee- cyotee clumps. I refuse to wash it because I don't want to be "that person" whose hair falls out in clumps in the shower. So, I am wearing hats. And I get nervous at the thought of lifting up my hat, coz I'm scared I'm gonna look like and old David Lee Roth."

"Nasty"

"Yup. And, I'm being very willfull at the moment, as I am willing my hair to stay in until Sunday because I want Rima to cut it with the kids."

"Yup. And you are willfull, so I think you will win in the battle with your hair."

"You know, I could have done it last Sunday, but I just wasn't ready to part with it. I thought I might just be that one lucky person who doesn't loose their hair from the TAC protocol. So, I've backed myself into a corner. The only other option is that I cut it myself."

"No Britney. Cutting it yourself is a BAD idea."

I'm going bald anyway... can't god, or whoever cut me some slack and let it stay in until Sunday? Please? I've got cancer for god sake.... pretty please? with sugar on top?

Never in a million years did I think I would be begging to keep my hair in for "just two more days".

Once again... "Waitress, I'd like to have a big ass piece of that Humble Pie over there. In fact, make it two pieces, why the hell not!"

"But I don't...."

I tell Dr. G I am having a 'tired' day, my eyes are a bit glassy and my nose a bit runny. Maybe a bit fluey? Is this what a flu feels like, coz I don't get flues. He tells me it is probably allergies.

"Allergies? but I don't have allergies?" I keep doing that... "But I don't get headaches." "But I don't get sick." "But I don't...." I keep defining who I am by how I have been. As thought I can change the present by convincing Dr. G of my perfect past health track record!!

When am I gonna learn that how I was in the past has abosolutely NOTHING to do with how I am at this moment with cancer and chemo duking it out in my body??? Am I gonna step into that present space now, OR will I continue to try and convince someone, anyone, that I am still immune from being humanly sick and tired, only to continue to set myself up to be humbled, yet again.

My friend Rebecca said it well, "Shit will continue to happen. It always does and it always will. That is life. Coz if it doesn't then you are dead."

The storms will come and just like they come, they will go. And I know that the storm is happening to me, but I am not the storm. I have learned to not be a victim of the storm... now if I could only stop getting caught up in the story of how well I weathered the storm in the past, so that I can be present in navigating the new storm of the now.

Bad Hair Day... Good Hat Day!

It is officially offical. I am not one of those blessed people who will not loose their hair. It is comin' out. I am shedding and it is kinda gross. I run my finger's through my hair and I get a lots of strands. I already said I was done washing it (not a big deal for those of you who know long hair) and I don't brush my hair all that often anyways (sorry mom, but those threats from kindergaren of cutting my hair if I don't brush it stopped working when I left the house - I've always liked the 'slept in look'.)

So, I went shopping for scarfs and hats and SCORED!! Yup, I got that cute hat over there. As soon as I found it, it went on the head.

Off I went to see Dr. G, sporting my new style: hat on head. Dr. G's main man, Ricardo gives me a hug hello. Nurse Ana asks, "How are you?" I reply, "Well I am officially having a bad hair day." She looked at me, smiled and replied, "No you are not, you are having a good hat day!" Yup, I'm with the right team!

Today's visit was a good day visit. We check my breasts. They have gotten less swollen, less red and softer since the Chemo. That is a sign that it is working well. Dr. G went to check my lymphs and after prodding hard to try and find them he reported that it is a 'good sign' that he's having a hard time trying to find them!! That means they too are less swollen. YES!! I was so happy!! I told him I've been asking Chemo to do the job it is good at: killing cancer... and it seems like Chemo is excelling in that department.

Then I wanted to discuss next weeks treatment and the side effect medicines to try and custom taylor a program for me based on last time. That is were I got a big compliment from Dr G. He said that I faired much better in the Nausea and Vomitting department then he thought I would! YES!!! 2 points for E. Bachner!

The expectation is that the treatments will continue to go the same way as the first one - but, as usually, plans are for the non-believers, so I need to be prepared for the bases to be thrown. The toxins themself do not accumulate in the system, but is the lethargy that can increase, as the Chemo kills things that are living, and things that my body needs to feel rested and itself.

My big fear is not the nausea and vomitting, but the constipation, coz toxins leave the system via sweating and bowels... the last thing I want is the bowels to get backed up so the liver, kidneys and hence lymph can not dump the very toxic waste coming through me. But I'm open to playing around with the meds. But I was very clear: One bag at a time!!! No more doubling up on the pre-meds!

Off to the movies... more glorious distractions from my life! I hope the person in back of me can see around my hat because it is SO NOT comin' off in public!

The world of wigs

If you are gonna spend the afternoon wig shopping, do choose a friend who has as much fun trying on wigs as you do! That's Amanda, the 'other' blonde in the photo. Not only is she a fashion designer, but she is also a doula (yeah, I know, I know a lot of doulas).

Where to begin? there are so many to choose from!!! Short, long, white? red? purple? (that one was nixed). What about something that looks just like my hair? What about something that makes me look like someone else? At some point they all start to look alike. When did $500 bucks on wig become part of my non existant budget?

In the end, I bought that funky blonde on in the photo, and wanted to sit on spending another $700. Amanda thinks I'm gonna rock the bald look and should hold out on the wigs. And, scarfs are big this fall. I could get into scarfs, with some big earings??

This is all a bit surreal.

5 hours and one $30 wig later I allow myself to drop into the sadness of the reality that my hair is falling out. It is becoming easier to deal with, especially with the support and laughter of a good friend.

As Below, So Above

It has officially begun, the loosing of the hair. What people don't tell you - or maybe it is just me - is the pubic hair is the first to go. It is a bit disconcerting at first. I'm looking at the toilet paper with a "What the hell is going on?" ... and then I remind myself, "You are having chemo. It is normal for the hair to go."

But I am not ready for the hair on my head to go. I am attached to it. I admit it. Have you seen the photos? It is good hair.

The "plan" is to do a fun Ceremony with Rima and all the cousins. Cut the hair off for Locks For Love (I debated if I wanted to make a wig out of my own hair, but when I let it go, I just want it gone) then do a photo shoot of all the punk rock haircuts I have ever thought or dreamed - with color that I never had the guts to do on the way down to nothing with all the kids around me!! Gus even wants to get his head shaved with me to show his support!

I could have done the ceremony last sunday, but I opted out, I wasn't ready emotionally. I wanted one more week.

So, here we are, Tuesday, and I have become all paranoid and have stopped washing my hair, as I don't want to be 'that person' whose hair all falls out in the shower. That would just do me in.

On the bright side, I did epilady my hair on my legs for what I believe to be the last time!! (yes, I do still use the epilady. It is much more efficient than shaving.). I'm having wishful thinking that pulling my hair out from the roots combined with chemo will make the hair permanently gone!! :) A girl can dream.... can't she??? :)

Once again, I'm testing the theory of 'my plans' versus 'God's plan'. Who will win??? Hmmm, why does there have to be a winner and a loser with this way of thinking? There must be a different way to look at this.....