The other side of 40

I eased myself into my birthday with quiet time and births.

I'm not ready to celebrate, because, well, I'm not done with chemo, and my energy is going towards my healing inward, and outward expressions are hard these days.

I headed off to Malibu for some quiet R&R to give myself the gift of forgiveness.

Two friends came to join me with homemade soup, a walk on the beach and the birthday 'grapefruit' freshly picked off the tree! It was so nice to be honored without the fan fair, to have my request and my quiet state of being honored. That was a HUGE gift!

And then, the piece de resistance that night... assisting at a home birth to watch a child being born on my birthday!

And the births did not stop... two more doula clients went into labor, and somehow my body had the energy and I watched great support show up for me so that I could go to these births.

With all of my clients I made the agreement that they would have other doulas, but I would show up if my body allowed it. And somehow my body allowed it! Yes, I got tired at 10ish at night... but support showed up and I could move forward! It was kinda amazing to get back into the swing of things and feel how just my presence alone was enough. I did not over-extend myself or 'do too much'. I observed and felt myself. I held space for change, trusted the choices of the parents and witnessed miracles: babies being born!

I got a sneak peak of who I am becoming, and it fed that empty place in myself, that place of 'no feeling' to show me that I am going to be okay.

And as I witnessed these families embrace their children, I felt something new within myself. I'm actually excited about the idea of never having a child of my own! I'm starting to feel relief at unearthing a truth I have not had the courage to express. The conflict of finding enough energy to raise a child and live my passion is dissipating and I am feeling a new freedom within me. Maybe this will change one day, but for now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted as I know my truth!

I went down to see Dr. G in the middle of birth 2 (the benefits of working where I get my chemo). I told him how I took no side effect meds last round, how I kept myself hydrated, allowed myself to vomit and was in the middle of a birth.

I asked him, "So, do other people ease off the meds like me? are other people having the same reactions, like more vomiting with more toxic accumulation?"

He responded (and I paraphrase), "Well, not many people... actually, no one else on your chemo protocol refuses side effect meds like you do. Most people take the full round of side effect meds and then we tweak them. And most people get more tired as it progresses. Also, you had neutrapinia the first round, and yet your white blood count is completely normal at the end."

I took it in and glowed with how well I am doing.

And I admit that I am so getting off on how I am doing things differently than other people! And I am getting off on the idea that I'm challenging the 'system' (in a healthy way) and getting great results!

Vera asked me, "So, what does that mean to you?"

And I paused, and thought, then responded, "You know what Vera? My whole life I have felt different, and learned to hide it. I spent most of my life trying to fit in and be a 'good girl'. Instead of enjoying my life, I just got angrier and angrier. Now I am celebrating my differences! I am proud of how I am listening to my body and making choices that I know work for me! And look at ALL the Grace that is showing up to tell me I am on the right path! And I now know that thinking and being different is a great gift that I have. And I know that thinking and being different might be threatening to some people, but that is no longer my problem! Look at all the love and healthy support I have around me when I am being true to who I am!! And I am excited to see how this difference that I can now own within me is going to contribute to whatever it is I am supposed to "do" when this is all over!"

And I witnessed myself with wonderment as I could feel the beginnings of excitement again!

Happy Birthday to me!