Sunday, February 1, 2009

I have space now to see my new body

I have space now to see my new body.

I look at the 4 week old scar on my belly from where they took all the fat for my breasts. I touch the uneaven, undulating, scabbed over skin. I am not scared of this scar. I am not upset it is there.

I touch my cleavage with gentle fingers. I trace my breast all around where it joins the skin. I can feel the place where the feeling ends, but am not bothered, because I so enjoy that I can still feel in all the other places.

I am still numb under my left arm and on my left side where the lymphs were taken out. More scars there. It is not strange to touch the smooth skin where my nipples used to be and not feel anything. I can no longer remember what it used to feel like. There is swelling and numbness on my abdomin above the scar. As the swelling subsides and the nerves that are left start to come back on line they let me know they are pissed off as they jab me to attention, then that area becomes sore to the touch.

All the nerves that were severed will grow back at a rate of 1/2 cm a month.

I love that my breast are still a handfull but smaller. I gleefully show anyone who wants to see that I still have my own cleavage! Aesthetically it is a great start. They will need some more revisions, but that will happen after radiation. For right now, I look like I am wearing a sports bra.

The fat in my breast tissue is starting to soften and settle. I feel a deep bruising on my ribs, under my breasts, and honor that even though I still have breasts, there is pain from where all the original tissue was removed.

Sometimes my breast itches. I go to scratch it and I can't. I can't scratch the itch, coz I don't feel anything in the breast. That freaks me out.

As I get more feeling back in my chest I sit curiously at how different this chest, my new breasts feel. It feels like a gentle weight or pressure is on my chest. It feels like a foreign object is sitting there. I wonder if it will ever feel like a part of me? or do I get used to this heavy feeling as being part of the new me?

Where my belly has been stretched feels like I have been sunburned. The belly skin has stretched enough now to allow me to stand up. I am no longer walking hunched over. I need a lot of work to get my posture back. I am SO happy I did not have to re-arrange my muscles to create my new breasts.

I have a new bellybutton. There is some necrotic tissue forming above it. It will settle into another scar. The plastic surgeon can take care of that scar. I might keep it. I feel freedom in knowing that I have cut the connections to my old ways, and can realign myself with a new center.

I am one of the 6% who developes axillary web syndrome. That means there is a rope like tendon under my armpit that extends above when it used to be and needs to be stretched or put back into place. They say it goes back to normal after 3 months. It is really odd to feel and look at.

My hair is starting to grow back as my eyebrows are falling out. I've got a peach fuzz on my head - sometimes called "chemo fuzz". I hope my new eyelashes grow back as long as they were before.

Everything aches more when I am tired.

I want to cleanse my body of all the toxins. Paige reminds me that I have just had the biggest cleansing of my life! My inner pain has been cut away. I like that.

I feel like my inner imperfections are now on the outside of my body. I relish in the fact my humaness is for my viewing at any time. I feel beautiful with these marks.

I surprise myself at how much I like my changing body and how free I feel!