Wednesday, March 18, 2009

really letting go

After my surgery, before radiation, I started to experience a new phenomenon within myself.

I have done enough priestess/goddess/newmoon/magical rituals to know the words of 'letting go'

"I let go of hatred"... "I let go of greed"... "I let go of jealousy"... "I let go of...."

But to experience it first had within my daily life, with something I truly love, is new.

I started a new business last year around this time. As the company started to really rock n'roll, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As readers of my blog know, Ana Paula Markel, my business partner, was not only gracious with our business, but also opened her family doors to me while I went through my chemotherapy. I lived in her house while she 'doula-ed' me out of the 'old man from florida' routine and into a functioning human.

Somewhere around mid-January, post chemo, post surgery, I had a real opportunity to look at my current life. I realized that I still have a part time job called 'cancer', another part time job called, "healing Lizzi", a third job called "understanding my medical bills", and another job called "work" - to help pay for the first three part time jobs.

Any down time I had was being put towards having a semblance of a social life, and I knew deep within me that I did not have enough energy to give to birthing this new company we had created together too.

At the same time I started to realize that my dog of one year, Molly - a show quality, high strung, rescue cocker spaniel - needed more attention than I could actually give her. Molly would start to get on my nerves because she is so full on dependent.

I was actually starting to resent her.

Molly is not a bad dog, she just needs full time 24/7 attention. And I had to admit that I am not Wonder Woman, and I can't give her what she needs.

It did not take a lot of dawdling or 'talking it out' to find clarity. Neither Molly nor Ana Paula are "wrong". It is about me realizing that if I keep Molly, it would be selfish of me to do so. If I was to really put Molly first, I would have to find her a home that would put Molly first. If I really and truly love Bini Birth, the company that Ana Paula and I created together, if I want Bini to grow, I need to step down as 'parent' and fully embrace the place of 'auntie'. If I am able to really love myself and admit the truth of what I can and can't do, it is best not only for me but also Bini & Molly.

And with Molly - well, that was a no brainer. Within moments of my dad taking care of her while I was in the hospital after my January surgery, I could see that she really was not my dog, she was his dog. And since I shipped Molly back to them in Connecticut, a whole new world has opened up for my parents and me. We have something in common that we all love to talk about: Molly and her daily escapades! And Molly is where she needs to be, the center of the universe of human beings who are home a lot.

Molly is no longer a responsibility that drains me, but a funny cocker spaniel that practically speaks english! And Bini Birth is no longer a company that needs my energy to grow, but a company that has my effortless support and approval to make sure it does grow!

Letting go is no longer a letting go of 'the bad qualities' of something outside or within me. It has become a process of letting go of my addictions to being an overachiever, or wonder woman. Letting go has become a process of loving myself first, and then really loving the other and seeing what is best for the other in relationship to me. Because this way of letting go is about embracing myself with love, it is easy to embrace the other with love. By letting go of these two responsibilities I have created more space for love, healing and grace in my life.

I have not failed, I'm just playing another round of 'whose the grown-up', and I'm amazed at how gracefull I have become at playing that game.

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