Radiation ended a few weeks ago, and I haven't written anything because I'm kinda bored with the story of cancer these days and I don't feel particularly different.
So, I am done. Yes and No.
I'm done with the heavy hitters - yucky chemo, in patient surgery & radiation. But I still have to go to cedars every 3 weeks until January 2010 for herceptin, this summer I'll be having out- patient cosmetic surgery on the new breasts (I'm getting nipples! yeah!) and 5 years of endocrine therapeutic drugs orally every day.
The week that I ended my radiation I also had a round of herceptin. Knowing I had 3 weeks of being 'Cedar-free' I high tailed it out of California and headed East to visit family.
New York on a good week for me is tiring (I tend to get overstimulated & overwhelmed there). I knew that I would go and not be heavily resourced the way I am here in California, but choose to go and not complain, because being with my sister, meeting my new nephew and visiting with friends out weighted everything else.
I won't bore you with highlights of my trip, but I did get to hang with Molly... and my nephew is particularly cute!
Sometime around my 10th day there my sister turned to me, "So, are you looking forward to going home on Monday?"
I looked at her curiously and thought, "Huh. I know I'm tired from being in New York and miss my fresh juices; but, I really haven't given it a thought."
I'm not wishing I was somewhere I'm not. I'm not avoiding what I'm feeling. I'm not projecting myself into the future as a way to feel better now.
Sleeping on the pull out sofa isn't the most comfortable place in the world, but I'm not complaining.
And I have no regrets about spending my vacation time with my family- as apposed to the beaches of Costa Rica.
I'm the same person who spent her vacation time with her mom in the hospital (my sister and I went to Connecticut to support her through a hip surgery) and the same person who hangs out reading on the dock of a bay at my Auntie's house.
The person who feels assaulted from the noises of New York's busy streets is the same person who enjoys a huge lobster Clam Bake with a six pack of Stella.
I am the same person now in NYC and the same person who will be flying back to LA.
Both the good and the bad are happening to me and I'm doing my job - making sure I do not go into overwhelm with whatever is being served up in the moment.
I'm currently living my life as the essence of me, who doesn't change based on what's around me, while being able to be present with her feelings and be okay with those feelings.
And that is when I realized how much I have changed.
In its own way, cancer is like having a birthday. On the day you don't normally feel different, but a few weeks/months/years down the road it hits you that you are actually a bit wiser.
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Hi Elizabeth, I just discovered your blog and I have pretty much the same cancer as you. I am a 43 year single woman, and have finished 4 rounds of A/C and just had my first Taxol (of 4) & herceptin for a year and Femara to start once Chemo is over. I also will have 5- 6 weeks of radiation. I wanted to thank you for writing about your experience as it has helped me tremendously. It is great to know what to expect and lessen the fear! I am hoping for my hair to start growing back soon, I have the chemo fuzz :-) now! I am starting to have some swelling in my arm and my shoulder has locked up, since I was guarding it too much with my breast expander. But "all in all" I am grateful to be getting through this without too much pain. Thank you again for sharing your experience! Kristine
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