eating is not the problem

I thought I was supposed to loose my appetite? I thought that this was my chance at finally fitting into my skinny jeans?

"Hungry?"
Whatever.
If it is front of me, I eat. And I eat a lot.
If it is not in front of me, I don't eat until I am overwhelmed by low blood sugar.

"Cookie?"
Okay.
"Mash Potatoes?"
Alright.
1 serving. 5 servings.
cooked food. raw food.
preservatives. whole grain.
There is no difference.

I can barely feel when I am hungry anymore and feeling full is a struggle. It is not that I have lost my appetite, it is more that I no longer can feel the signals. I don't particularly 'crave' anything. But if it is put in front of me I eat it. I am so unconscious about what I want.

And I am so unclear about my hunger messages.

In the past I have had various unhealthy eating habits. From shoveling chocolate into my mouth to my addiction to structured 'cleanses' to trying to control my eating with raw foods. I lived with limitations under the disguise of 'healthy eating', but it was always an effort and it never flowed.

I craved to be one of those people whose body would tell them what to eat and would not overeat. I wanted to join the mass amounts of people whose body would actually signal to them, "You are full" and feel it. I wanted to be one of those people who when they said "No" to sweets, it was a non issue and I really meant "no" because they really didn't want it. Not the other kind of person who was constantly fighting with the inner deamons that said, "Why not? Just eat the whole cake! Who knows when you will ever get another home-made desert!"

And I got there. As of March of this year, after a culmination of various therapies, I fell into a joyful place with my eating habits that did not take up my time or attention. I could hear my body, it would speak to me of healthy choices and eating became a non issue! I was dancing with my body's needs and loving my body.

Until this week.

I have not felt this way about food and nourishing myself in a long time.
And how I am relating to food is how I feel about life at the moment - blah.
And it bothers me.

Yet another side effect of the un-regulated hormones - which do regulate hunger.

Fucking hormones. Who had any idea that they control SO much!