Post Partum Chemo Blues

The lethargy and nothingness is starting to get a bit dibiliating in my eyes.

Dr. G and I check out my Red Blood Count because I am convinced that this level of lethargy has to be physilogical and related to low iron levels. And it is not. My Red Blood count is way within normal. I'm shocked it really is hormonal!

I have decided to move in with Rima and the kids, as I do not want to isolate myself. It is easy to get lost when you live on your own, but being around the kids will support my healing. I have been trying to get out of my house and into her's for 2 days, and it is taking FOREVER to do so!

Wednesday night I have dinner plans with some mommy friends of mine. I'm walking slow. I am tired. But I know that with people who love me is helpful for this place.

While there I start to explain how I am feeling. How strange this 'blah' place is. How far away my inner voice of health is. How I could lie in bed for days on end if I let myself. How I have no motivation to do anything. How I could give two shits about anything. How tired I feel. How not myself I feel. How I feel like I am observing the thoughts and feelings of a stranger.

They all look at me and kinda snicker, "Yup! Now you know how a post partum mom feels!"

And I finally get it.

Our hormones control so much of our mood. And when the hormones are crazy and all over the place, us women can feel 'crazy and all over the place' - and it is not that we did or are doing something wrong! We really are out of balance. And it feels: not right.

And the way that nature creates these circumstances is that the mom has the baby as motivation to move forward and out of this plexie-glass box.

"What is my motivation?" I ask inwardly?

And I hear back the usual: nothing.