reminsing on Round 4

So many people want to know where I have been in my writing of the blog.

Well, what you are feeling about my lack of writing/sharing is the same thing I am going through.

I'm trying to figure out, "Where am I?" "Why have I not written?" "Where are my words?" "Am I feeling well?" "Am I sick?" "Is everything okay?"

While I recover from round 5 I will comment on round 4. This is reflective of how my life goes these days. I no longer live in Chronos time, ("Kronos time is what we live with on a daily basis. It is measured by clocks, hours, minutes, and seconds. It often seems to be more of a nemesis or taskmaster than a friend. There is rarely enough of it, and we feel stressed out as we race the clock to go about our regular activities. Kronos time is what we schedule and make appointments in."*) but rather Kairos Time ( "Kairos time, on the other hand, flows gently -- allowing us to be in the moment. We participate in kairos time, rather than racing to catch up with it. Kairos time may occur during meditation, the creative process, rocking a baby, reading a well written book, and other activities that are personally meaningful to us. One is wholly absorbed in the moment, unhurried and unaware of time passing. These are the moments that nurture our souls."*). I no longer live in straight lines that are predictable, but rather circularly and sometimes backwards. And for some reason time no longer 'flys by' in between the chemo treatments, but rather it feels like long times, and I'm liking it that way.

Round 4 was the toughest one yet.

Before I arrived I had come to terms with the fact that having children may not be the end of the world. In fact, there might be a lot more living I can do without the 24/7 dependency and responsibility of raising a child. I was feeling quite liberated! And as the fight for my eggs left me, I felt my youth slip back in. I've always had a young body on the outside, why would it not be youthful on the inside too? I had gotten to the point where I had made friends with my fear, so there were a whole new range of choices opening up for me.

But as is my pattern, the next gate was presenting itself: Idealism. I am being called to let go of the Idealist within myself - because obviously she is useless, as she could not prevent cancer! :) And, It is true, that my idealist - even with her healthy way of living - creates more separation, hate and judgment that I am assuming responsibility for.

I was offered a fantastic book on the subject, which I do recomend:

Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride: A Psychological Study by Marion Woodman.

I'm too disconnect and burned up to get dramatic with my writing about this descent into Chemo Hell. It is more with a slow, disconnected drag that I bring myself to the 11pm shift with Sufi and Just Show Up!

Everyone says "Oh, your half way through.", but for me, it did not matter. I was starting to have an psycho emotional response to one of the drugs in my protocol that created a huge burning sensation in my nose and I could feel that sensation before I even got there. In order to keep showing up there is a disassociation that happens. There is a "lets not go there until we need to go there" mentality. And luckily the brain supports that with the literal loss of short term

memory.


I had an angel of a nurse - whose name I forgot - but I'm glad I have her picture. Sufi and I curled up on my bed to sleep through most of the treatment.

I'm trying to write about the chemo, but as I try to I get nausea. The psycho/emotional response is so strong! It is the same 'yucky' pit-in-my-stomache visceral body response that I have when my unresolved abuse issues get triggered in me.

In my book, Chemo is abusive to the body... and I am allowing it to happen! God, this is really fucked up that I was not able to keep my body safe enough from this physical toxin. And it is also messed up in saying that this poisen will 'cure' me.

Sorry party people, but I'm gonna have to stop writing about chemo. It is literally making me sick.

Lets just say that the nurse was an angel, she change the order of the chemo so I would have less burning in my nose and it worked.

When I arrived back at Rima's I had a good day (the steroids don't wear off until day 2). Then my brother arrived from Hong Kong to enjoy a bit of Halloween on the lawn before we drove off to Malibu to recover together.

I spent a week with my brother and it is the same story, just a different week. By day 2 after I had gotten myself dehydrated (because the voice of heal continues to be a distant echo) I had a raging liver yang headache and heat all over my body. I had to call Anna W over for some emergency acupuncture and hydration.

The next two days I looked forward to vomiting (get those toxins OUT!), shuffled around like a zombie, slept, ate eggs from breakfast, raw yogurt, raw cream, keiffer water, tea and lots of apples and prayed for the poop! My medication intake was minimal, as I'm not wanting to fight the nausea as I know if must be serving a purpose. I figure my body does not want to eat because it has too many god damn toxins in it to eat! So, I'm listening to it. And we watched a bunch of movies.

My brother kept looking at me and saying, "I keep forgetting that you have cancer and just had chemo!"

I forget too sometimes. And it isn't that I'm in denial, it is just that I'm not a victim of the cancer and I'm not sick, it is the chemo that makes me feel like hell!!


* all quotes are from: Close to the Bone by Jean Shinoda Bolen