for real this time, not just words.

I feel like recovery from the surgery is harder than chemo.

Chemo is hell. Utter hell. but it is doable, coz the hell only lasts for 2-3 days.

Surgery is harder for me because I've been so immobile for so long. And my body hurts. Being is physical pain is very new for me.

And I have very little creative or communication ability. There is a lack of motivation to write on my blog. But this is different than the 'nothingness' of chemo. It is not 'blah'. It is not 'depression'. What is it.... It is a conservation of my energy.

I can feel how much energy it is taking to get my body back to health. How much it is taking to really be - not my old self - but my new self. It is so hard to explain.

Here I am, the same Elizabeth, with the same blue eyes, and the same way of seeing the world... yet I am SO different - physically, and I am seeing things with clearer lenses.

I'm not doing my old routine of, "Pain killers are so bad for the body...." or "In the past my nose never dripped..." Who the hell wants to listen to that drama and pointless defenses anymore? I can now own the places in myself where I have been addicted to the drama, frustration and chaos in others and in life. And within that addiction, I can see how I have needed it to define who I am, for this addiction is what I grew up with, this addiction is what I know, this addiction is what I bounce off of to feel me.

I can feel a simplicity settling in.

I move my body and stretch. I try and raise my arms and stop from the tightness in my muscles, but it does not anger me. Of course my arms won't raise over my head, I just had a double masectomy and an axillary disection on my left arm! And I am okay with this.

I think this is what is called acceptance.

I can go back to work this week but I'm being kind and not pushing myself. No prenatals before 11am. People are calling me to be their midwife and I turn them down. I don't want to work so hard physically anymore.

I am being easy on myself.

I have been spending a lot of time with my parents, who have come to California for the month to support me. I can now understand why I put such high expectations on myself. Why I have been so hard on myself. Why I am so critical of myself and to my surprise: others. I had to do that in order to survive. It is what helped me feel safe within so much chaos and overwhelm. In order to get here now, that is what I needed to do.

I decide to speak to my own heart that has been addicted to pointing out that others need to be the problem. Basically I talk to the original victim, who after all this work is still here. I tell my heart that she is not bad, and that this addiction is what she is used to, the only way she knows how to define herself; but, it is not who she is. This heart is not this addiction. And back then I may have had not other choices, but now, in 2009, I do have other choices. And I make a choice to open up my eyes and know that I can be my own healthy parent and make good choices. And I do all this with love and kindness for myself and the other.

I declare that I am 40 years old and my parents are no longer taking care of me, I am taking care of me. So, I don't need to be so hard on myself, and I don't have to have such high expectations because I am choosing to no longer live in the overwhelm. I have other choices today. For instance, I can actually listen to my body and respond by saying, "No." "No thank-you." "No, I don't want to." or "No. That does not work for me".

And when I say that, I am no longer saying, "NO! Leave me the fuck alone and get out of my space." or "NO! You are wrong and I am right!" or "NO! I am not responsible for you!"

The anger and the charge is now gone. Now, I can say, "No. I am now going to express to you how much I love myself by making sure I continue to regulate my own nervous system, take care of my own energy, discern what healthy support looks like and choose the health in my system. So, no thank you. You are not wrong and don't need to change, but I need to go now." And I take myself out of a situation before I get overwhelmed, and take care of me while I still enjoy them.

And as I express this loving "No" to my parents, I release them of the responsibility to take care of me, I forgive them for all that has happened in the past and I no longer have any expectations that they need to change.

I know that I can now do all this with responsibility, spcaiousness and kindness.

And within that process I am able to soften and release more energy for healing. I am able to accept my parents as they are. To accept myself as I am. To accept others as they are.

And as I do that, I realize that not only has my inner critic has left the building, but that my inner critic had a lot more power in my life than I let myself believe! I'm shocked at how I have been running a racket and fooled even myself - in my own head for years! God, I'm good.

And then something strange begins to occur... I find myself spontaneously forgiving myself. People will be talking to me and there I am forgiving myself for the critical thoughts I have in my head: for hearing myself make them wrong, for hearing my mind beat on me, for witnessing how I compare myself to them... and then watching how all of that creates a high expectation for myself... WOW! I am pretty damn clever AND what a waste of energy!

No longer is forgiveness a bunch of words and prayers that I need to memorise. It is now a spontaneous, viseral experience.

No tears. No drama. I just stand there listening to someone speak to me and there it is: forgiveness plane and simple.

And I dance on the edge of feeling that accepting them is accepting me. That forgiving them is forgiving me.

Finally, I am stepping off the gerbil wheel in my head.

I can feel the creakings of my heart begin to open. Is this what loving others is really about?

And then the simplest of all miracles occurs. I find that my parents no longer annoy me. I can actually laugh at my parents. I find myself actually enjoying them. And I can feel the love they have for me start to trickle in - for real this time, not just words.