I'm kinda cancer free

My Oncologist and Breast Surgeon were each vying to be the first to tell me the news.

"In your right sentinal lymph node there was no cancer and in your left sentinal lymph nodes there were cysts. That is a sign that cancer was there, but now it is gone. There was no cancer found in any of your other 24 left lymph nodes and they had a hard time finding cancer in your breasts. They found a few sporatic cancer cells here and there. It's a miracle!"

Dr. G tells me that this kind of result from the chemo happens in only 20% of the people. Usually there it is either the lymphs or the breast that are cancer free, it is rare to find both together at this level.

My first response is: "So, what your telling me is that not finding the cancer means the mastectomy and taking out my lymphs was a bad idea? or a good idea?"

(and I paraphrase) "No, having the mastectomy was definitely a good idea. And there is no other way to know that the cancer is not in your lower lymph nodes without taking them out. What this means is that your cancer is very receptive to the therapies. Statistically speaking you should continue to have good results from the rest of the therapies. We encourage you to continue the therapies and any you will live a long, long life."

The crazy part is I'm not jumping up and down with this information, because I already know that I'm not gonna die from cancer. I look at them a bit blase, because I had already known that doing all of these steps will let me live a long healthy life... otherwise I would have stopped in the middle of chemo and chosen another path.

I also know that for me, this cancer is one of the most intense initiation I have ever experienced.

The hard part is that I already knew the cancer was mostly gone, and at the same time I was very clear that I needed to have the double mastectomy and axillary dissection.

Having the double mastectomy was not a hard choice. That was easy. I have 2 risk factors for breast cancer, and now they are both gone. The hard place was lymph node removal. Whenever I check in with my intuition, I kept getting a resounding, "Yes, you need to have them removed." I don't like the idea of having the lymphs of my body, the pathways of clearing and cleaning, the body's pump eliminated. And my form of 'spiritual' does not include elephantitis of the arm!

I'm afraid of that.

But there is something here for me to learn. Yet another gate.

Do I trust my intuition?

Yes. I knew the cancer was gone. And I also knew that the next step on this journey was to have the lymphs removed.

Could I have kept the lymphs and led a happy life and die of old age?

Probably.

Why did I not fight to keep my lymphs?

Because I made a commitment to not fight this process. Keeping my lymphs would have been a bit of an uphill battle to explain to everyone that would continue to take a lot of my energy for many years. And I don't have that kind of energy.

Would I have felt sure and settled that the cancer was gone if I kept my Lymphs?

No. There is something about following the path of Common Practice of Care that is an important. It offers some kind of insurance policy for long term that makes me feel safer, and I know each step is an important part of this humbling journey.

Sometimes we are called to do things that we don't want to do, or we think how it looks on the outside is 'wrong' or 'bad' or 'not right'. And in my world, the taking out of my lymphs looked like a bad idea, yet inside it felt right.

I have been choosing what has felt right this whole time, and I am continually shown grace through my choices, so I continue to listen to my intuition. As hard as it is for my mind, I choose the path of what feels right.

And I settle deeper into my body. I begin to feel the pain, and the hurt.

I begin to feel my body.