I don't CARE!! or do I???

I seem to be so detached from everything these days, I'm kinda nervous.

A pregnant friend asked me if it was hard to give Molly to my parents.

"Nope.", I replied rather too quickly. "In fact, I'm kinda relieved to not have the responsibility."

I got together with a groups of midwives the other day for peer review, and as we went around the room saying our names and where our practice is located, everyone also stated how many children and grandchildren they have. I was feeling a bit out of place at first, but I stopped over thinking it and just stated the truth proudly, "I am choosing to not have children as I feel I do not have the support needed to raise them."

Since I have consciously chosen to 'work easy', I have been exploring dangerous territories for an overachiever. I am keeping my work load light on purpose and have a lot of free time to heal my aching body, rest and catch up on past paperwork. I contently spend a lot of time at home alone, perfectly happy as I lay a new foundation for myself of how to be in the world without being overwhelmed. Seven years after moving into my home, I have finally started in on the small plot of land in front and am doing this thing called 'gardening'.

I am exploring what I used to judge as a 'mediocer' life, and I'm finding out that I have been quite the fool in my thinking!

I went to visit a friend who also spends a lot of time at home meditating and making sure she is not constantly overwhelmed by life. She has a cat that she has loved for 10 years. And I thought to myself, "Why don't I get a cat? I'd like a bit of companionship. They are so low maitenance and offer so much love."

So I began researching with honesty what I need in a cat, what I could offer and what I could responsibily take care of.

And I found her up for adoption. Scarlette is an older Spyhnx female. She fit all my criteria. No shedding (she is hairless), cuddly and loving (the breed is known for sleeping under the covers), more dog like than cat like (they are said to be almost human in their talking), doesn't scratch the furniture and is litter box trained.

And I went to visit her. Yes, she is very very cute and excentric (think female Mr. Bigglesworth).

I loved petting her velvet like skin. But, if I'm going to be really honest with myself, my heart did not 'gush'.

Why can't I connect? I love animals... so why can't I feel that intoxicating love?

Breathe.

So, I go through the motions, as I am one of many people who are being interviewed to take this old lady home.

When I get home I entertain the thoughts of what it would be like to have a cat in my small 10x12 home.

"Well," I say to myself sternly with the look of a 60 year old IMB executive, "I could sacrifice a small corner of the bathroom for her litter box. The smell won't be too bad if I clean it everyday. She can't go outside, and is so old, she probably won't try to escape out the french doors while I leave them open in the summer. She has to be bathed twice a week because of her skin condition, but I have time to do that. And if I ever travel, I'm sure one of my pet loving friends will take her for the week...." On and on and on.

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm cutting down on my responsibilities because I have a clear message from the universe that I need to baby myself. I'm working part time to so I can explore what working 'easy' is like. I'm putting myself into the unknown world of ease, and what am I doing? I'm trying to create MORE responsibilities! MORE distractions!! MORE overwelm!!

This is NUTS! Why am I wanting to adopt a cat that needs to be bathed twice a week and can not be put on continual feed because she will overeat? Why am I trying to convince myself (rather well I must say) that I will be a better person and heal faster if I adopt an animal?

Sigh.

What is wrong with me? Why do I so not care about loving another human being or animal?

I drop in.

I go to the place where I am outside looking in on my own question.

I remember telling people with complete conviction the 'plan': "Of course I am going to have children. How could I ever be a good midwife/teach others about parenting if I don't experience childbirth/parent a child?"

I touch into the sadness in myself that feels incomplete as a woman if I do not birth and/or raise a child.

I taste the guilt of the box I have assembled as to what a 'loving, good-girl' looks like.

And I start to see that I have created a concept of "a loving human being" that could only be true if I prove it to the world by having a child, boyfriend or pet.

I am being caught red handed with the belief that only a person who is 'attached' can be a caring person.

I allow myself to sit with my feelings as I hold on to the last threads of those identities.

Fast forward to Monday, peer review for Acupuncture where I hangout with an old teacher of mine, Yvonne Farrell. Yvonne is the reason I made it through Acupuncture school. I used to come to her as a big wet sloppy mess after failing my intro to herbs exam. She'd look me straight in the eyes and declare, "Elizabeth, you are a healer. Now, go back home and study harder so you can pass your state board exams to become a licensed healer."

I'm still sitting in the group half heartedly, as my joints are aching and my body is in pain when I move.

Another student has asked a question and the conversation steers itself towards the taoist subject of detachment and healing.

"Detachment does not mean you care less, it actually means you care more, because it (the healing) is not about you!" Says Yvonne.

I am like a bell that has been rung. I feel her words reverberate within me.

Could I finally be in the place of all those meditation teachers on Oprah? Is this what 'they' have been talking about in yoga class? You mean I don't have to stop with my weekly manicures to experience 'detachment'?

I get an email from The Cat's foster mom explaining how they have given her to a person who works with animals on a daily basis and can work with her sensitive skin needs.

I can feel the relief of the responsibility being taken out of my hands, as I a feel a whole new world of freedom and caring open up in front of me.