Monday's Anger

I'm angry today because I don't feel better today than I did yesterday.

My friend Rebecca (who has been through this with her mother) told me, "Elizabeth, you are going to have some days when you feel good, you are gonna have some days when you feel bad. And others when you'll feel 'blah'. And then some days where you forget you even have Cancer you are having so much fun. You are going to have days just like the rest of us."

Yeah, But I thought (dot dot dot).

There are a lot of things that I thought...

For instance, I have been progressively feeling better every day since the Chemo on Wednesday. Yes, I have been to hell and back, but everyday I feel a bit better. Today I had the goal that I would feel good enough to actually go home to my house. But I am starting to understand that what I 'think' and what is actually 'happening' are two different things.

Before Cancer, when I got sick, I knew that I would have a few days off and then progressively I would feel better and better. That is what I thought would happen here too. So I just thought I would feel a bit better today than I did yesterday. Now, I was not having unrealistic expectations, coz feeling better is not what it used to be. I know that I am going to continue to feel different states of 'tired' - shit, I have poisen churning through my veins. But I was not expecting that I would feel more tired, out of my body and nauseas today than yesterday. And what is that metalic/fuzzy taste in my mouth? Probably more toxins leaving the body.

So, what can I do? Call a friend to bitch and be heard and be seen in this place of disappointment. Listen to a friend's life tales to remember that life is not all about me and cancer. Take another Salt bath to move more toxins out. Eat foods that nourish my blood and soothe the stomache. Take another nap. And listen to my body in this moment. And now in this moment. And again, in this moment.

This really is a practice in presence. This really is a practice in mindfullness.

And a reminder, yet again, I am SO not in charge.