Finally, the words have found me

It isn't that I hate my life, it is just that I don't recognize it any more.

I don't understand how 4 days after round 5 of chemo is still supposed to be called "living"?

Being productive no longer defines my life. Making money is not a motivating factor. Fantasizing that one day I will be married and have children is no longer anywhere near the radar.

What I am is a bald chic with cancer, chemo, death and destruction surging through her body.

I lie around napping, taking Ambien when I can't sleep, watching movie after movie, trying to eat, taking deep breaths to get in more oxygen, wincing every so often at the neuropathy, forgetting almost everything that is thought or said to me, attempting not to get overwhelmed by other people's emotions... and this is called 'living'?

I can not think of one thing that keeps me here on Earth. I don't have a child, I have not found my 'other half', and there are lots of really great midwives out there. Even on my good days when I am laughing and enjoying, I keep waiting for "the point" of life to hit me over the head like a brick.

Anna W. asked me if I am scared of dieing on thursday.

I laughed.

"No. Not really. Put it this way, I stopped planning when I got cancer. I have absolutely no idea what Gods plan is for me. I have no idea if I'm going to be living or dieing. But one thing I do know, If I do leave and go into the non-physical form, I sure know how to contact all the people I love and bother them!"

I am clear that I am not going to commit suicide, because why would I leave this version of the 'unknown', where I have lots of support in the familar and choose to leave for the "unknown" in the unfamilar? Now that sounds crazy to me.

But, if God's plan is for me to leave, then I'm not too fussed, coz I feel dead inside anyways.

As I write this I can feel tears again. I can feel myself connecting with something, but I have no idea what.

God it feels so good to actually be able to cry.

Now, if only I could remember why I'm crying....