I am not suffering from Chemo

I woke up this morning knowing in my heart without a shadow of a doubt, that as I get ready to turn 40 I want to give myself the biggest gift I can: I want to forgive myself.

I come from a long line of not only non-forgiver, but also grudge holders. And I am by no means innocent in either of these departments. I have burned plenty a past bridge with my low self esteem, bitter judgments, angry ego and narcissistic wounding.

I know all the words for 'forgiveness' and have practiced them for years with my spiritual teacher. I have been humbly taking baby steps with myself and others, as I play the game "Whose The Grown Up". To feel a drive inside me these days between chemo is rare, and I know that the golden ticket for me is to take a big step and start really forgiving myself for all the abuse and suffering I have created on myself and others.

So I let myself be led and picked up a book I was gifted by my Aussie friend Nickers:

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE UNIVERSE

Straight Talk About Illusions, Past Lives, Religion,
Sex, Politics, and the Miracles of Forgiveness

by Gary R. Renard

And then I kept hearing a conversation I had with my cousin yesterday who felt 'bad' for me having to go through all this 'suffering' with the chemo going over and over again in my mind. Then the the impulse to cry and write moved through me. And when that impulse comes through me, I feel good, because I know some clarity is right around the corner.

People, I am not suffering from the chemo, but rather I suffer from a place in my mind that thinks that I am not only separate from God, but that within that illusion of separateness I can control what I think my life should look like!

People talk about how Jesus died suffering on the cross. In my direct experiences of Jesus, I was shown that he did not suffer. The suffering that was experienced was our projections onto him from our place of consciousness. This dude was so connected to God, to the truth, to understanding how our world is a true illusion of separation, that he did not experience suffering!

So, let me bring it down a notch and talk about the chemo and what I know the difference to be between suffering and pain. What I do is support people in knowing and feeling the difference for a living. A woman who chooses to labor at home without drugs is not 'suffering'. Yes, she might be in 'pain', but she can do it! I trust in the essence of her and know she and the baby know exactly what to do. And yes, it might hurt, but that hurt and pain does not mean she has to stop and not birth the baby at home.

And there are so many variations on birthing, because there are so many people at so many different places in their consciousness. From scheduling a c-section to having a painless home birth and everything in between - AND THERE ARE NO WRONG CHOICES!!!

But having a painless childbirth does not make one better at birthing or mothering than one who chooses an epidural. What I feel is important is the "how" in which that mother feels with her choice. Is she choosing from a place of power in knowing herself? or is she going against every bone in her body and feeling beat down with guilt and shame? And I have watched lots of home births that have involved suffering and trauma and scheduled cesarean births where the gates of heaven have opened up and the birds sang! I feel the trick is to honor where each mother is in her consciousness and say, "Good for you!! You know your body well enough to choose an epidural!" or "Good for you, you know your body well enough to birth the baby at home!'

It is same with my experience of cancer. Yes, I am experiencing pain, but I get to choose what I want to do with that pain. Sometimes I choose to vomit and other times I choose the anti-nausea medication. Sometimes I bitch and moan, other times I moan and laugh. I can choose to kill myself and end my life in the physical body or go to an alternative healing spa in Mexico and everything in between. And as I mentioned earlier in my blog, as I was shown in my meditation to the Akashick records, the end result to my life will be the same, it does not matter! Life is just a bunch of lessons to be learned, and my way out is through chemo. And now I understand why: to learn about abuser and abused at the same time.

What does matter to me is the 'how' I navigate this place and my 'attitude' in regard to my choices.

I know I have chosen to experience what it feels like to not only be the abuser of my body but at the same time the abused! How crazy and beautiful is that! I am making this conscious choice so that I may wake up and know that abuse and suffering is not a part of God! But in order for me to get there, I have to take all the god damn steps and sit in the insanity of that choice and experience it, because I am pretty damn sure this is not the first time I have chosen to abuse myself nor received abuse. But this is the choice of abusing myself that I hope to God will wake me up so that I can step out of this fuckin' insanity of thinking that anything that has to do pain and suffering is part of God's creation! And within that I hope that I can finally know if my heart and being what God actually is!

And dare I say it? Yes, I will. My job is not to identify with the suffering and pain, but honor it, know it is there and forgive it for being there. My job is to for once and for all understand that I am being offered lessons of forgiveness so I can remember that I am not separate from God. I know now what it is I am supposed to let go of: the illusion that my mind has created in thinking I am separate from God. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the place of the unhealthy 'ego' or the I that so many books, philosophies and teachers talk of. Forgiving myself is not only hard work for me, but my way out!

I have said over and over again, I am NOT a victim of cancer. In the same way that there is a part of me that called me into midwifery, there is a part of me that created cancer. I'm just frustrated as to who that part is! I want to know who she is and to have her stop creating dreams and cancer and come out of the closet and be part of me!

For those of you who do not know, I am the reluctant midwife. I did not become a midwife because I think it is a better way of birthing. I came into being a midwife because I kept having dreams that I was catching babies being born out of mothers and into my hands and I would look up and go, "I don't know what to do?". I became a midwife not because I watched the puppies being born under my bed, had a bad experience at a hospital, I believe in the goddess or can feel mother earth talking to me when I garden (which I am trying to make an effort at actually doing; but as my friends know, I have no desire to spend my free time with my hands in the dirt!) Growing up I also believed that the safest place to birth a baby was in a hospital with the doctor (who was personified as God) telling me what to do! I choose to become a midwife based on the relentless, crazy ass dreams before I had even witnessed childbirth! I became a midwife not from a place of experience, but if anything a place of judgment about the craft.

As a Jewish girl from the east coast I grew up with no inkling of God, (or G-d) within me. I thought literally that God was a man outside of me who controlled things and created laws that made no sense to my feeling body. My choices as I saw them was to blindly abide by them or not participate. I know that I am Jewish by tradition, and proud of that tradition. But, I by no means am Jewish as a religion nor do I believe in religion as a whole. I jumped ship when religion said that God is about politics, war, no tolerance for other humans beliefs and battle over land.

I am angry that all the interpretations of the stories I was taught seemed to be about G-d and man being the savior on the white horses to save the day or teachings about elitism and separation from other humans. I am angry that my teachings of G-d did not teach me what I feel are the most important aspects of God: love, forgiveness and trust! And I am angry that religion does not teach about the most important gift from God: Free will!! I have been gifted the power within me to choose! People, there is nothing to be fixed or saved! Only lessons and experiences to find more places for us to love and forgive ourselves and others!

And I know, deep down inside of me, from the place that is still thinking I am separate from God, I view my decision to becoming a midwife as suffering, because is it not what I planned to do with my life, and it does not support the lifestyle that I wanted!

And yet, at the same time, I can connect to the places where I called myself into midwifery to learn I am not separate from God! And in that place I can feel gratitude and midwifery is a crazy ass fantastic, soul satisfying amazing job! And in that place I know God is joy and love!

And then I drop back down to here.

I have learned SO much about myself, others and the world since I was led on the journey to become a midwife. I can literally FEEL that I live less by what my 'mind' thinks I should do, and more by what 'The God Place Within Me' is asking me to do as I continue to show up for the fast soul learning curve of midwifery and cancer.

And in doing so, by showing up to become a midwife, I have been letting go rather quickly my minds view of my life, and let go of attachments to what I thought my life should look like.

And as I go through chemo I am entering into an even deeper layer of letting go of my mind. As I have expressed, I literally forget everything and can no longer feel a purpose. And lately, my brain is not just slipping, but melting away. Time makes no sense to me. I miss appointments and don't even have the memory to get angry at myself for missing the appointment! Operating heavy machinery and catching babies would not be safe at the moment!

And just like a car that is on the highway home that can sometimes get off at the wrong exit, get stuck in an accident or need to rest and refuel, it still reaches its destination in the end. This long journey that I am taking might be hard, and I might take the wrong exit, but I know that I am being led back onto the highway home as I still trust I am being guided in the world that I have created.

And I know I have created the calling into midwifery the same way I have called in the cancer in the same way I have created everything else in my life... from my choice of parents, to my supportive friends... from abusing other to abusing myself...

And how amazing is it that in this lifetime not only do I get to witness life happen literally right in front of me; but now, with cancer I am having first hand experience of witnessing death within me!

Yes, it really is that simple, but it is not that easy! It is hard fuckin' work, but don't pity me; rather, pity yourself that you can not see the beauty of my experience with your own eyes!

If you would like to do something for me, then trust me, my choices and my journey home to knowing I am not separate from God.

I am a seeker. I always have been and always will.

And I am gently starting to understand from inside of me that my "I" has created all of "This" (cancer/midwifery, my life to date..) at the "Earth School of Forgiveness" so that I may know myself better and know God within me as I find my way back home....

or something like that....