I can't feel much these days...

Vera and I have birthdays 2 days apart, so we decided to treat ourselves to an outrageous Sushi lunch followed by some girly time getting make-overs and splurging on new cosmetics.

While driving home Vera giggled, "Now that is what I call a great spiritual experience! We should do this more often!"

And I smiled back at her and waited for the confirmation of what a great time I had to move me.

But it didn't.

And I had a choice. I could turn to Vera with a fake smile on my face and laugh, "Me too!" But I loved myself and respected our friendship too much to lie.

So, I turned to Vera and said the truth, "Vera, I know deep down inside I had a great time too. But I'm sad that I can't feel the excitement I used to feel anymore."

And she knows what I am saying. It is not personal about what we did, but it is more about what is going on with me and my body.

There is a strange survival mechanism that I am witnessing in my body: detachment. I believe it is there to help me get through chemo hell by forgetting and conserving my energy - and I believe in the genius of my body to create this, and I am uncomfortable with how foreign it feels.

I've already talked about the loss of short term memory. And the plus side to this is just like a mom who forgets the pain of labor, I forget the pain of chemo. Also, not remembering makes is harder to 'control' things - which I'm getting better at - and it is easier to keep showing up!

This detachment makes it very difficult to access my emotions. I've rarely had lows in the past, and I know that I have a lot of excitement about life. But I can not find it in these moments. It is like my inside emotions have become a big bowl of overcooked, cold oatmeal mush. It is not depresssion, but a big bowl of 'nothing'.

And I get scared. I barely recognize myself anymore! What am I going to do without excitement and motivation to move me forward? Why would I want to do anything? Where did my Joie de Vive go?

Excitement is so foreign to me now that I don't even want to celebrate my birthday because I'll have to put on a fake cheesy smile to make other people comfortable with my lack of excitement. I can't feel anything!

I am a master when it comes to being 'happy'. I am one of those innately positive people, and I learned at a young age that I could regulate others emotions by creating 'happy' situations. Therefor, most of my life has been built around 'staying positive' with my inner excitement bubbling up around me to move me forward and sometimes even persuading others to join me/do something - because I have been known to be contagious in my enthusiasm.

And as I know from my studies in Chinese Medicine, sometimes "too much joy" can be unbalancing. And I know from my personal experience that too much enthusiasm can create denial, ungroundedness and gets me into trouble as I move too fast without pausing. (Anyone out there remembering my marriage in my 20's will know exactly what I am talking about!)

And sometime before all this midwifery/cancer stuff happened, I decided that if my excitement can be contagious, then I better be damn sure that what I am saying/doing is done in a responsible way with my own inner clarity (hence this long ass spiritual journey I have been on).

The upside to this 'no feeling place' is I find I am quieter. I am conserving more energy because I am not putting so much energy out in front of me. I'm finally able to think before I speak and ask questions. I can feel pauses and space. I can feel the lows, name them and not be scared of them. I feel anger, sadness, lethargy, disappointment, unhappiness and no one is dying. And if others do get hurt by it and do not want to be in a healthy relationship with me over their own feelings, then that is their loss and their problem.

This 'nothing' place is an uncomfortable place for me because it is so unknowns, but it is so much more relaxing here.

And I start to get excited to see who I will become with this new way of being when all of this cancer stuff is over....