getting ready for my last round

My last round of chemo and I am going through a whole range of emotions... one minute sadness... joy the next... and everything in between.

The sadness is the emotion that confuses me the most.

I am SO excited that I am going to be done with chemo. And if you are a reader of my blog you know that I'm done with abusing my body and the toxins.

In the same way that I hold space for families to give birth, I have been holding space for a battle to be fought in my body between the chemo and the cancer. And in the same way that I cry to my friends after a traumatic birth, I feel as though my whole body will be able to finally let go and cry and release when I no longer have to hold space for the traumatic abuse to my body.

And as I settle into the sadness I can feel deeper into it.

There is a fear inside that the chemo will not kill every last one of those fuckin' cancer cells in my body. There is a fear that if I go off the chemo then cancer will grow again. In a sick and twisted way I'm almost addicted to the chemo as a gaurentee that the cancer is no longer growing in my body!

I'm giving the chemo a lot of power, and it is time to take it back! The chemo is not preventing the cancer from returning... I AM am going to be part of that choice! And chemo and trust in Dr. G was my choice. I chose Chemo to fight the battle because I did not want too. I chose the fire to burn through me and singe all that I no longer need. I choose abuse in order to have lessons in how it feels to consciously be the abuser and abused at the same time.

And I choose to thank chemo for all it has taught me to date!

I am a completely different person both physically and spiritually from when I first sat down to write.

There is not much more that can be stripped away from me.

How I used to define who I am no longer exists - I have let go of my clients/work, shed my hair, released my perfectionist, melted my memory, embraced the freedom of not having my own child, detached from excitement, no longer react emotionally, drifted off into nothingness....

I'm no longer scared of nothingness.

It is just me, myself and I as I approach my last round of chemo and get ready for my surgery...

I feel more naked and vulnerable than I ever have, yet at the same time I feel a quiet peace that I have everything I need to walk into this round with God's Grace.

And I am ready to see what mystery lies within this round.

I can feel tears, again. That's a good thing.