I feel like a science experitment

Of course it figures that as soon as I am done with the chemo, I finally figure it out! (relatively speaking that is!)

The fasting for 2 days before had to be the best idea ever. The fact that I felt so good and had cooked food for lunch on Thursday had to be the worst idea ever. But I have to admit, I so look forward to a good retching! It feels fantastic to get it all O.U.T.! (BTW, that is me in my favorite chemo t-shirt!)

In my body, cooked food (acidic forming foods) and chemo do not mix! When I stick to the raw foods (the alkeline foods) I do much better with the nausea.

I think I have become a low grade nausea expert.

Low grade nausea WITH fluids collecting in the mouth- vomit to feel better
Low grade nausea WithOUT saliva in the mouth - means hunger - eat an apple to feel better.

I had two rounds of IV fluids this time, so I am not concerned about dehydration.

I also had two Lymphatic drainage massages and I think that helped to move the toxins out too. And, who doesn't love the touch of healing hands!

The thing that gets me now is that god damn shot (Neulasta) the day after to kick up my white blood cells. I can't believe how awful it makes me feel. My bones still aches, I have that 'run over by a truck' feeling and of course, I'm now doing the 'Old Man from Florida' shuffle.

I have yet to take any other medications for nausea or vomitting. And I am not trying to be a hero here, but I'm not suffering. Yeah, my body hurts when I move about the cabin, but I have no where to go. So feeling my body, feeling how human I am and being present with the small amount of pain (that is not random, but has a source) is not a problem for me.

Last night Ana Paula had some friends over for dinner. I got to chatting with one of the gals and she asked me, "Aren't you scared?"

I looked at her and replied honestly, "No." Because in that moment there was no fear - remembered or projected.

I'm not sure if it is my melted brain or a gift of spiritual presence, but even when I am scared it does not stick.

I'm amazed at how I am effortlessly living from one moment to the next, being present with my feelings that no longer define who I am or what actions I take.

I want so much to hold onto this way of being in the world! I want this new way of presence to stay with me as I continue on in my life.

And in this moment I am scared that I will loose that gift of present mind.

And then I cry.

And breathe.

And sigh.

And stare into space for a moment...

I find my midline and I settle into the next moment.