Round 3 is almost over

Fuck, this is getting boring and old, and there is nothing I can do about it.

This round is the hardest one so far. I'm not any more physically nauseated than usual. I still have an appetite. I stare at the ceiling and walls and drift in and out. I'm in a home that I love being in. I'm enjoying the whole 3rd season of Weeds. I am getting lots of support.

And I can feel myself fighting to remain in control.

I can feel myself holding on.

Let me just lay out the facts: I hate not being able to control this. I don't like the low grade nausea. I don't like the dry heaves. I don't like the fact that I Feel like I am very hung over (and have not done any drinking.)

In fact, one of the reasons I stopped the big party/drinking that I did in my 20's is coz I didn't like this feeling the day after - or even the day after the day after.

The acid in my stomach is making me vomit this time... before I vomit I lie in bed trying not to vomit....I take a pill to not vomit, then I vomit from the water I took the pill with... when I vomit I feel better.... who'd a thought?

I wish I could find a way to escape this, to avoid this, to not be in my body. Yet I know, that feeling this rawness, this vulnerability, the phyiscal uncomfortableness is part of the journey.

Oh, and by the way, for all y'all who get excited about the part that I can now get legally stoned to help with the chemo, I want you to know:

Altering one's consciousness because you are wanting to: have a great time, open up more, laugh more, feel a great movie, delve deeper into a really excellent birthday cake, loose yourself in a day of arts and crafts : Fun.

Getting high legally because you need to treat side effects of chemo: NOT fun.

Did I sign some kind of Karmic agreement that said I had to do things the hard way this lifetime? If so, I'm over it. I'm ready for things to be easy. I'm ready for things to flow. I want to find a simple way.

In the words of my nephew William, "Me no likey".