It is not all about the cancer

As I mentioned earlier in this blog, my professional life was finally on a role and I was hitting my stride when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have been doing a lot of speaking within my peers and teaching classes, and before the diagnosis I booked my first formal, paid lecture with The Childbirth Education Association of Orange County. The theme was how nurses, midwives and doulas could work better together at the hospital, and I was representing the doulas.

And being the willfull person that I am, I SO wanted to be there to speak about the passions so close to my heart. The issue was that the saturday of the conference was the saturday after round 3 of chemo.

And this is the thing about chemo: when it is bad, it is really bad for me, as in 'married to the bed and don't ask me to move' bad. And when it is 'good' I can now navigate this place with gentleness, grace, trust and walking slow. But what is always and 'unknown' is how long it will take to get from 'bad' to 'good' after chemo.

So yet another place of surrender and trust for moi.

First I got really angry at God.

How the fuck can you call me into midwifery, ask me to sacrifice all of my beliefs,
and time
and potential monies
and just when I opened my heart to my calling
and get to share it with others
you pull the rug out from under me
and diagnose me with breast cancer
and then I get my first formal speaking engagement
and then it happens to be right after chemo...

blah blah blah... I won't bore you with my small violin.

After I got the anger out, then I got sad that I am not the same person I was before the chemo started.

And then I mourned the idea that I had for my life this fall, the fantasy that I had for how my life was supposed to look like.

And then I made a plan and surrendered.

I switched my chemo day to tuesday, because my pattern seems to be a good day after the chemo, then 2 bad days, then on the other side. I wanted the 'otherside' day to be saturday.

I changed my power point presentation to a talk, as the chemo makes my brain forget important information. Even though I knew it might look funny reading verbatium off of a piece of paper, I wanted to make sure I was coherent and hit all the points I was passionate about.

On Friday, when I was feeling like shit, and throwing up acid at 9pm, and realizing I could not plot, plan, manipulate or figure out a way to make sure I was healthy enough to speak on Saturday, I went back to the only truth that I know: trust.

And every time I checked in (even while I was loving up on the toilet bowl) I heard: yes, you will be over the chemo hump and be able to speak.

For some reason I woke up Saturday morning on the other side of the chemo and able to move, speak, and allow of outside stimulation. Carol, a sister doula, drove me down to Orange County and back (and coincidently, it worked out perfectly for what she had planned for the day too!).

I am so proud of my body, so grateful of the support that I have and so thankful to spirit for the perfect timing that continues to let me know I am on the right path.

It was so nice to spend the afternoon not being 'chemo girl' but being 'a doula who has lots of wisdom to share with others'

I am being shown that having cancer/chemo may have limitations, but it does not mean that my life has to stop nor does it define who I am. Yes, I can take care of myself. Yes, my body can heal. And yes, I can still share my passion in a public venue.

I am able to do both at the same time
because:
I'm not sick, I just have cancer!