Work is Cauling Me Back

All of my clients (both doula and midwife) know that I have "Titty Cancer" (as Ana P likes to call it). Together, in relationship, with me taking nothing personally, we decide how they would like to move forward.

This is a very hard place for me for two reasons. 1) I do not have a '9-5' job. I'm on call 24/7 when I take a client on. That means I could have 10 days 'off' (even thought I am on call) and other days I start my work 'day' at 3am. There is NO consitancy. It is kinda hard to work my schedule around the chemo and visa versa. 2) One of the reason someone hires a doula is so they have a consistent person at the birth of their baby. Me, going through Chemo does not make me 'consistient'.

I get frustrated, because not only do I love what I do for a living, but I also make money by working, and my doctor feels that my line of work will not be condusive to the chemo. The strange part is that since the cancer I feel I'm better at my job than ever.... I have a level of clarity that has not been present before and I'm even better at 'holding space' - which is what I feel is the difference between 'good' birthing support and 'excellent' birthing support.

All of my doula clients who want to continue working with me are doing so with 2 conditions: 1) I am honest with them if I am not feeling physically able to be at the birth and 2) I'm working in a team situation with another senior doula in the community.

One of my second time moms decided that she wanted me to be there, but only if I was honest with her and made space for myself if I did not feel well and not show up. She also did not want my backup, so she said if I could make it: great. If I could not, she would trust that I did not need to be there. I agreed. I have learned the hard way through eating many a slice of humble pie to make clear boundaries about what I can and can not do. In the past, I am known to have a lot of energy, health and stamina. (being a single gal helps, as there are not a lot of demands on my time). In the past if I was tired, in knew that I could spent the whole next day sleeping. In the present I need to keep checking in and not over-ride the places where I start to get tired.

As in life, martyrdom is not healthy and certainly does not work at a birth. I know from personal experience how important it is for everyone in the birthing room who wants to help the mom needs to take care of their own needs and feel well supported. That way the birthing mother does not have to take care of other people's needs, and can focus on her own very important need: birthing the baby.

As life would happen, this mom was not due until the day after my 2nd round of chemo. So, we talk about how if she went on her due date, I might not be there. And again, we both did the only thing we could do: surrendered and trust.

Wouldn't you know it, I woke up today energized and feeling as close to rested and 'normal' as I had felt in a while.

At 12:15pm I got the first phone call, "Elizabeth, I'm having contractions every 10 minutes. I think things are happening."

"Great. Let me know if you either need me or they get closer together."

At 2:15pm I got the call to meet them at the hospital.

By the time we got there, things were rockin' and rollin'. Contractions were coming every 3-5 minutes and you could tell, even though she was breathing calmly, they were intense.

I kept checking in with my body to make sure I was NOT over extending myself. I did not need to do any heavy massaging, or counter-pressure. What this mom needed from me was my full presence, my words and her hand to be held.

Usually, 'not doing' is a hard place for me to be at a birth. But today, not only was it important for my health, but it was EXACTLY what this mom needed.

Somewhere around 5pm, as I was checking in my body, I felt that I was starting to loose energy and knew I didn't have more than an hour left... and, coincidently, at that exact moment I hear mom go, "PUSHING!!". In rushes the Resident Nikki, as the doctor is on his way, but not in the building. 15 minutes later, without the use of any drugs, her 2nd son was born in the caul! (being born in the caul happens in 1 out of every 1,000 births and is very auspicious).

It brings tears to my eyes when I am not in treatment to witness the strength and vulnerability as a mom surrendering into the unknown, willingly. Today, my heart opened even wider, as I stepped into a place of immense gratitude that even while in the middle of my chemo treatments, I could continue on my souls calling.

The timing of when she went into labor, and the length of the birth proves to me that I continue to be supported by a force larger than who I am. These are the moments when I am SO glad I am not in charge, for I could have not planned the timing of this birth with my chemo treatments more perfectly. These are the moments when I know I am still being guided.

Thank you Enzo for asking me to be present on your Birthday!!