Day 1 of Chemo

I have turned into an "Old Man From Florida". I lie on the bed staring into space, falling asleep to a movie, being spoon fed yogurt, having no idea what time of day it is...

Molly is allowed to be on the bed now. In fact, Molly can do whatever the hell she wants. I don't care. I'm just trying to keep the nausea at bay and praying for a good poop.

For the nausea I take homeopathics until it gets bad and then the heavy meds. I'm not trying to be a hero with the anti-nausea meds, I just want the toxins out of me ASAP, and to do that, I need to poop. Constipation is the common side effect with the nausea meds. And it is the toxins in the blood that create the nausea. It is a vicious circle that I believe gets solved by pooping. When the intestines clear out, then the liver and kidneys have a place to dump the toxins. and hence the chemo leaves the blood and SHAZAM no more nausea and I can eat again.

Lots of fresh green drinks and Red herbal drinks for the blood - and the pooping! I am trying to eat foods that are mostly alkaline as I'm trying to minimize the acid in my stomach from the chemo. Goat yogurt with flax seed, oatmeal, chicken soup with rice, tea, coconut water, water with a pink himalayin salt, fresh raw cream, water with lemon, Kimbucha Mushroom Drink.... I promised the doctor I would stay hydrated and eat what I could.

I go back to the hospital to have Dr. K check my port and get a shot that gets the bones to make white blood cells. The drive home makes me nauseas. I forgot my meds coz I'm just not used to taking meds.

My face burns. I fell like I have a sunburn. This shit is INTENSE! I tell the chemo to do its job, and I will hold space for the fight, but I will not participate in the fight.

I'm taking heavily salted baths at least once a day. This too draws out the toxins.

I start to get over-whelmed by the nausea. I text Ana for support during the night... She comes downstairs to my room at 3am without complaining and an open heart of compassion - as a mother of 4 and birthing doula knows how to do.

"I don't care what it is, just find me some drugs to take care of this nausea so I can sleep!!!" Ana doles out the meds and whispers, "One contraction at a time. You can do this."

I fall back into sleep.

I go in and out of my body. I am present yet completely unfuctionable. I think I can make it to the bathroom myself and pee. Please, dear god, let me poop soon!!

Yes, this is a form of hell. How long will it last?