First Day of Chemo

Sufi and I had a 'girly' sleep over last night. We tied up all the loose ends that I could. Crossed all the t's and dotted the i's to the best of my ability. My cancer treatment has been getting in my way of the efficiency I usually have with my mundane world.

I am up at 5:30am with the same excitement churning through my system that I had two weeks ago before my regular OB/GYN appointment. It feels like Christmas or my first day of school!! I’m SO excited, which really is the odd part. (That, and the fact that I am Jewish, I don’t celebrate Christmas!)

Molly benefits from all this extra energy, as I take her out for a long morning walk and talk to my sister. For some reason Molly has no idea that I'm having Chemo today and attempts to lunge at the pit bull while on the leash. Even though I have cancer, Molly still needs to be trained just like she did before the diagnosis... go figure?? :-)

I put on one of my favorite tops and we head out the door to have a fabu breakfast and enjoy one of the best capachinos on the East side. Then the big choice happens... do we go home to pick up the bags I packed in advance to be all organized for the 5 hours of chemo... or try to fit in a Manicure. My nails are SO white trash. Due to other priorities, they have been neglected for weeks now... so of course I opt for the Manicure - while reading my new book: Crazy Sexy Cancer. I'm takin' in what I can about 'healthy living' to see what else I can do differently... Doesn't look like much, but I appreciate the energy behind this book.

We arrive for a final appointment with Dr. G, I have MORE paperwork to sign, MORE blood to be drawn (while I munch on the last of the fruit salad), yet another blood pressure.... and then down to the Chemo Aviary at Cedars. I have gotta say, Cedars knows how to do it right. It really is a beautiful facility that they have created. It is very civilized and humane. lots of daylight, open space. And I got a private room so I could lie down. Cedars: 2 points!!

So, my nurse (not the person in the above picture - that's Nurse A, who I love) starts with the IV bags that are need to administer the plethora of pre-medications and the chemo. She asks me if it is my first time. I reply "yes" and she starts and IV in my arm. I just assume that the fluids go in the arm, and the passport is for the chemo. What do I know? I've never done this before. So after one failed attempt at putting the IV in the arm somehow we get on the subject of how I have a passport and she says, "Why didn't you tell me. I don't need to do an IV".

So she starts in on my passport and asks me why I am wincing.

"Because I can feel the fluids going in."

"No, the passport is not in right. It is not working. We need to re-do it."

"What? I just has surgery yesterday to have it put in. My doctor knows what she is doing. I am not having surgery again. I want to speak to your charge nurse NOW!"

Oooh, that was a HUGE red flag for me. Incompetence, confusion AND passing off responsibility.... no, no, NO!!! The boundary is coming down NOW!! I am not angry, but I am very clear. As Sufi laughs as she says, "Elizabeth, it is not a good thing to be on the other end of your clarity... you just chewed those people up and spit them out!" Yup, and that is why I am also so good at my job, I'm an expert on making places safe.

I begin to name all the points of confusion so that they are out in the open.

" I am concerned that my notes contain nothing about me having a passport. That would seem like common sense to me. But, I don't know how you work. Since I have never done this before, how is it my responisbility to tell you about something I have no idea about? I figured that the IV is for one thing and the passport for another. I was not told by any of my doctors that it is my responisbility to tell you I have a passport. I can't believe you just 'assume' I don't have one and don't look in my chart. I can not believe that the passport is not put in right and it needs to be re-done. Now, this in not personal, but can you understand why I am not comfortable with you at the moment? I want to see the charge nurse."

I have cancer, I'm not dealing with bullshit anymore, I'm just saying it like I feel it, and If I don't feel safe, then it is my job to make sure I parent myself and feel safe. And, I have a right to let someone know.

The charge nurse is on a break and I am willing to wait until I have clarity and trust before moving forward. Especially if I have to have surgery again to have the passport put back in place. The confusion that is going on around me in NOT allowed in my Chemo treatment. I want that confusion outside of this story.

So I talk to the nurse some more. She hears what I have to say and why this is not working for me. She explains how it works and then clarifies a confusing point. It is the access they put into the port yesterday that needs to be redone, (which is a non-surgical, no brainer thing that she can do) not the passport itself that is bad. I feel safe again. I ask her if we are friends again. We move forward using my passport, with me feeling safe, with the confusion OUTSIDE of my chemo treatment and without the charge nurse. (that is a picture of the passport with and access port for the meds right above my bra).

So, we start in the on the pre-meds.

Ativan under the tongue for Nausea, Vomiting, aids in sleeping and Anxiety. I am not the least bit anxious about the Chemo, and I've got enough other stuff for N/V. Have you seen the side effects for that drug? It includes short term memory loss. Uhh Uhh. I spit that one out into a tissue Sufi slyly backhands me. (sorry Dr. G for not telling you in the moment, but I really want to be present for the chemo).

Next is a bag with two drugs in them: Benadryl and Aprepitant. These two I am told we use only at the first treatment, and if things go well, we don't use them again. The bags are half way in and I am starting to loose perspective. I can feel myself come in and out of my body. I can feel myself getting drowsey. This WILL NOT DO!!!

People, I am not resistant to the chemo. In fact, I can not wait for it to come into my body. But I can't do this if I am not conscious.

I can feel my body maxing out with the drugs. I can feel myself getting overwhelmed. I start to loose the plot and become the patient they will continue to talk about at dinner parties and I don't give a shit.

"Nurse. Nurse. Please come NOW!! I need you to stop these drugs at once!! Stop them NOW!! I need to have it be done NOW!! Call the doctor if you must, but NO MORE!!! I am falling asleep and I don't want to!!!"

The nurse finally stops the IV of those 2 drugs when Sufi says, "Can't you hear what she is saying? She is asking you to turn it off!!"

I can feel every cell in my body saying, "NO MORE!!". I beg and plead, "I am not resistant to having them, but I do not want them if I am not having the symptoms. I don't want it for the 'just in case'. I will be responsible. I will tell you if I am having an allergic reaction. But I NEED to be in my body for this and I need to trust my body. Please, trust my body too! Please, I never have drugs, but body is clean and I have reached my MAXIMUM!! " And I was willing to negotiate. "How about non-drowsy Benadryl"?

For those who have known me for a long time, I have not spent a lot of my life in my body. I had worked too hard for the past 10 years to be present and in my body. I will be damned if I give it away so easily. I was fighting to remain conscious - even with chemo. I was clear as a bell and I knew my body was done.

"Okay, so what is the next drug. I don't want more Nausea medications if we do not know how I am going to react to Chemo. I'm willing to take it but I will NOT have you give me two at a time!! I am a sensative being and you need to find a way to seperate them up or I am not doing them!"

"Okay. I will stop. We need to get Doctors orders."

"Fine. I will talk to Dr. G myself".

Poor Dr. G. I explained to him how I just want my body to be trusted. How I want to be conscious during Chemo and not 'out of it'. How I will eat humble pie and take all the drugs next time if this does not work.

"That's not the point. I want you to feel okay this time."

He just looks at me and kinda shakes his head with a 'you have no idea what is ahead of you' kinda look. (I'm getting that a lot lately). He holds my hands and explains how he is willing to not put in any more of the first batch, how he will agree to not give me Aloxi ( a N/V medication that lasts for 5ish days) but is non-negotiable on the Decadron. That feels right to me. Even though Decadron is a Steroid with a shitload of bad side effects, it also reduces swelling of the brain. That is one side effect of chemo I do not want to mess around with.

And as he continues to look at me with compassion I say, "I know. I know. You are concerned about the nausea and vomitting. But, how many of your clients are actually welcoming to the chemo?"

"True. Not many."

We whip up a single does of Decadron and towards the end of the bag I feel the same thing in my body... my cells are DONE!! turn it off, no more! Dr. G allows me to end the pre-meds when my body says so, hence usurping protocol.

Now for the chemo. I am so excited to get the chemo in my body. I want the alchemical fire! I want the burning. I want someone else to do the fighting instead of me.

Back track for a moment.... My dear friend and fantastic energy worker, Vera Lawrence, works a lot with Chemo patients. She gave me the best information before I went in.

"Elizabeth, the chemo drug is like a big thug. It is dumb, stupid and just knocks about the body going anywhere. What you need to do is turn this dumb drug into a smart drug."

Excellent.

So, Sufi and I got hold of the chemo bags and set our intention on them. We held them, we prayed, we talked to the chemo and I told it where to go and where not to go in my body. I let the chemo know I am not resistant to the job it is here to do (kill the cancer), but I made a clear boundary about where it could not go and how the side effects that it creates (I had a whole list from a buddy) needed to be minimized!

I also told the chemo that after it does it's job, it is to leave my body, PRONTO!!!

And so it went in. Man, that shit is intense!! It is toxic! It is hot! Burn, Burn, BURN!!

What was interesting to me was how Sufi and I were only given 2 bags of chemo in advance, and there were actually 3 bags. We did not remember this (there is SO much that one is told, but there is so much new information, it is more of a 'learn as you go' journey). The first two bags were intense, but went in. At the end of the 3rd bag I started to feel really hot, a burning on my scalp (was my hair being fried and I was feeling it?) and not 100% anymore.... and then we realized, that is the bag we did not talk to. We immediately started to talk to the energy of that bag and the symptoms started to subside.

Did we transmute the energy in the moment? Did the bag finish and the symptoms were diminishing anyways? Who the hell cares... I just knew how I felt in that moment....Full of lethal toxins, but better than the moment before.

And then I left. Off to Ana Paula's house to participate in the big scientific experiment that I have become... to see what happened to my body when I had toxins surging through my veins.