The day I found out

Today is the day I found out I have cancer. To date, this has to be the most surreal moment of my life.

After my morning OB/GYN appointment, we were lucky enough to get an afternoon mammogram. While there, they found "nothing" on the mammogram and the doctor thought it was just a cyst. On my way to the next room to have an ultra sound I was trying to give my friend in the waiting room the "thumbs up" sign. And as I sat in the ultra sound chair trying to figure out how the cyst was gonna be removed and not cut into my life too much I heard the nurse and doctor both go, "oh, interesting". At that moment my heart plopped into the pit of my stomach and I just knew. And yet, I was not ready to hear.

"Ummmm, what?" "Huh?" "Are you sure?"

My friend was now in the room with me. The mammogram picked up nothing because it looks like it is lobular cancer, which tends not to be found on mammograms. So, as it was explained to me, there are 2 common kinds of breast cancer: lobular and ductal. 80% is ductal and 20% is lobular. Lobular is hard to see on a mammogram, but becomes well defined on the ultra sound.

"Do you want to do the biopsy now?"

As apposed to when?

Still in shock I had the left breast biopsied and a needle inserted into a left lymph node. It actually didn't hurt that much. Either that, or the endorphins from the shock were really working.

"Maybe it will come back negative?" I questioned my friend hopefully. God bless her and her love for me, as she just looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry. And there is always room for hope."

On the drive back to my friend's house I lost it. I was angry and full of tears. "You know, what pisses me off most? The fact that I'm single. I mean, I have no one at 'home' to share this journey with and support me! I even have to do this alone! Fuck."

She looked at me sympathetically, as she knows what I am talking about. It isn't just about being single, it is about having to do something in life that most of the world has the support of an intimate partner. Somehow I always end up doing the tough stuff alone.

"Damn-it. If I knew I was gonna have breast cancer at 39 I would have never gone down this healthy, self realizing path in life. I mean, I did the whole physical, mental, emotional and spiritual work and I still have breast cancer. I should have just gotten married to someone wealthy after college, spent my days hangin' out at the country club complaining and having cocktails with my lunch while someone else raised my kids!"

"Well, you could still marry someone wealthy."

Not the point...

I recovered from the shock at my friend's house and set off for home once I knew I could drive safely. I wanted to be home, in my house, in my space that I had ironically just finished the final makeover on.

At home I knew I could not be alone. I refuse to isolate myself on any part of this journey. So, I called over my aussie friend, Nickers, and asked her to just hang out with me. She smoked her ciggie on the porch as I shivered myself to sleep on this hot summer night on the velvet couch wrapped up in wool socks, sweat pants, a flannel shirt and cashmere hoodie.

I was up every 2-3 hours, wide awake, just like a mom does to breastfeed. The words "breast cancer" "huh?" "masectomy" "fucking hell" "chemotherapy" "what?" circled around and around. Each time I woke up, I’d drop back into my body and have a split second of dreaming that I had really just woken up from a great 9 hour stretch and felt well rested.

By the time 8:15 rolled around I whispered out “uncle” amist the tears of surrender.

I’m done fighting.

I have not given up, but I’m just done fighting. I have been fighting all my life and I know how to fight really, really well. And if I have to, then I will. But for now, I’m just really, really done. I was tired of fighting 3 months ago. And I’m still tired this morning.

And then it hit me. My three truths.

There are only three things that I can control:
1) how responsible I am for my choices
2) how trusting I am of my inner guidance
3) how much I love myself and others

Breath. Breathe. Space. More space…

Then it starts to build. Slowly. I can feel the edge of it. The fire inside of me. The determination. The will to live. My tenacity.

And I choose to be responsible for my body, to trust my body and to love my body.- God Damn it!!!!

That’s about it.

The rest is really in God’s hands.