I want the choice to choose.

My friends won't let me go by myself to see the doctor(s). In fact, I'm treated like an invalid and am not even allowed to drive myself!!

We laugh, we joke. This is ABSURD!! It is a downright comedy that "I" have cancer.

At Christy Funks office I am greeting by a lovely receptionist who jokes along with me. The office for Dr. F feels really good. Clean, spacious, bright. And there are robes in the room that make me feel like I'm at a five star spa resort. I feel good here.

I fill out the form for Dr. F with ease, as I have no health issue in my body.

"Family History of Cancer?" "NONE", I write across all five lines in big bold black pen.

"Anything else you want the Doctor to know about you?" "YES. In my family the women die of old age. My Grandmother Bertha smoked into her 70's, drank until her 90's, is highly opinionated and will be turning 100 this November."

I have not just one, but two friends with me. They insisted, and I am trusting that they are both their for a reason.

As we have been instructed by others who have been through this, I am not to take notes, as I will probably forget. It is the job of my support people to take the notes.

My friends and I are goofing around while I pretend I'm at a spa. Dr. F comes in and immediately I feel at ease, as though another sister has joined the party. Her gracious smile, generous heart and sense of humor are right on her sleeve. I like that about her. No secrets. I feel good around her. I trust her. No need to go elsewhere. I have found my Doctor. (oh, and for those of you who are wondering, she has all the right schooling, committees and degrees to impress those that care.)

Dr. F has set me up for all kinds of tests: Body Scan, MRI, Bone Scan, EKG ... The hope now is that the Cancer is "Lazy" and has spread no where else in my body. God I hope so. I think I have just about reached my limit with the cancer. I can handle breast cancer. I'm pissed that it is in my lymphs, but I can show up for that. But please god, please, I don't know if I have it in me to deal with it somewhere else in my body.

As she talks to me and goes over the details that my friends are writing down I watch her start to hesitate. In 2 short days I have already come to terms with chemo, radiation and a possible double masectomy. I can handle those words. But what the hell is she holding onto? Did she get a biopsy result back that is worse than they thought and she is hesitating to tell me?

In the middle of her explanations I stop her, "Dr. F. What are you holding on to? Did you get a test result back that is BAD?"

She pauses, takes a breath and starts, "Well, this is not easy for me as you and I are of similar age. I notice on your chart that you are 39, single and do not have any kids. I need to let you know that the chemo and raditation may make you unable to have children. Some people choose to harvest their eggs in this situation."

WHAT THE FUCK??? SHIT???? That was straight out of left field. And once again I feel the ground slip out underneath me.

"Ummm, Sufi, can you sit come up here and put your hand on my shoulders, I need some support.".

As a single woman who is in the birthing profession, this is not the first time I have contemplated having children or not. In fact, my mother asked me a year ago about whether I would consider freezing some of my eggs. And in that moment I was very clear with my, "No." For me, I know that raising a child is a full time job and that I need to have a lot of financial and emotional resources in place to be a good mom. Since I do not have the financial resources - and the emotional resources I have are great for me as a single woman, but not what I perceive I need as a mother, I know that being single and having a child is not in my truth. If I am to be over 40 and have a child, I will have to trust that the universe will team me up with the right man, at the right time and it will work out in spirit's timing. And I was completely okay with all this either way.... until this moment. Shit!!!!!!!!

It is one thing for me to choose this and it is quite another thing to have the choice taken from me.

I am about to ovulate any day now. And I know deep down inside that I don't have a month to wait around and harvest my eggs. I take in the information. I allow myself to get angry. I let it move. I allow for some tears and sadness and reply, "We don't have time. I need to start Chemo ASAP."

I totally forgot about the children factor. And, there are plenty of women who go through this and have children. There is no reason why I can't be one of those women.

Why is it for the first time that the prospect of not having children is making me want to have a child? Don't answer. The question is rhetorical. And the answer, like a lot of my life, is completely out of my control.