A fandamily affair

My Sister, Rachel, is my best friend and sister. I guess you have to have a sister to understand what I mean. It doesn't matter if we talk once a day or once a month... we would do anything for the other without hesitation. It is the ultimate in unconditional love.

Due to a strange turn of life events, in the past two years, my older brother, Bryan, has become one of my closest friends. I look to him to bounce ideas off of and whose opinions and thoughts I have come to respect. Bryan was the first person in my family that I called. He remains calm, reminds me that I am not going through cancer by myself and that we will get through this as a family. We start to strategies about the best way to tell the other people in our family.

We decide that the best way to tell my busy sister, who is 4 months pregnant with baby number 3, is for me to send her an email asking her to call me when she had some time to chat. The email creates some space, but does nothing to buffer the shock of finding out that your only sister has cancer.

Then the 3 of us try to figure out the best way to tell my parents. Thursday the 14th, their anniversary would be a 'bad' day to tell them. Especially in light of not having any more conclusive information until Friday. I want them to find out in a way that is respectful and kind. I want them to feel supported. Since I'm in LA, Bryan is in Hong Kong and Rachey is in NYC, Rachel volunteers to go to Connecticut to see them and tell them in person. Bryan and I will be sitting by the phones to talk to them for the aftermath.

Now comes the question everyone asks me, "Aren't your family coming out to be with you?" No. I don't want them to.

So, let me explain this.

Now, it is important for everyone to know that me not wanting my family to come out right away does not mean I don't love them. I love them very much, and I have no doubt of their love for me.

My family is all chomping at the bit to come out to LA and be with me. All of them have offered to come out yesterday. It is my brother who said it best. When he found out I had cancer he let his boss know. His boss said, "Why are you telling me this? shouldn't you be on a flight to Los Angeles now?" My brother chuckled and replied, "No. You don't know my sister. That is not what she would want me to do."

So, a bit of back story about what I know to be true about myself. I am the family empath. Every family has one. The family empath is the person in the family who feels all of the un-said, un-resolved and un-named feelings within the family system. (not good times if you are either the child who has no idea that he/she has taken on this role or the parent on the receiving end of this sensitive child).

In the olden days the family empath was the one that used to be put in the insane asylums because they would constantly call the other family members out on their shit and need to be controlled. Since I figured this out about myself, my life has been a lot easier. I know that I am highly sensative, intuitive and tend to get overwhelmed very easily. In the past I have taken on responsibility for the emotions of others - because if you are gonna be the family empath, at some point you break down and want the others to feel 'happy' because you certainly don't want to feel the other stuff.

The need to distance myself from all the confusion within my family dynamics made me fiercely independent from a young age. I have spent a lot of time in the past years softening my independence so that I can find a way to feel both vulnerable and safe within my self. And my family has spent a lot of time probably confused, but still loving me, my need for space and my process.

I pride myself on the healthy boundaries I have made with my family in the past few years. It has been a lot of hard work on my part and I am not willing to collapse my boundaries to make others feel better. AND, they don't want me to do that either. The only issue with this way of being is that there is a lot of feeling of feelings, being responsible for ones truth, and continually 'not taking things personally'.

Anyway, I know that for my well being and healing, I need to have more time to figure out when would be appropriate, supportive and healing for me as to when the family comes out. And my family is so amazing, they know to give me space to make that call.