"Hi. How are you? I have cancer."

Wednesday, August 14

So now that I know I have cancer, the next step is to tell others. Telling people has become a full time job. I usually reach my max at about 4 people a day.

For some reason, cancer brings out everyone else's fear of death - and other's words can get mixed in with their fear and projections. As one of my friends said, "Wow, you seem so comfortable with everything. I feel bad that you have to deal with everyone else's stuff every time you tell them." How right on she is.

"Hi Bry, umm, give me a call back when you can. It is rather important."

"Hey Ange, give me a call at home. I've got some news for you. Not the 'jump up and down' kinda news, but the 'are you sitting down' kinda news."

"Hey Alison. How are you. Me, well I'm okay. I'm not sick, but I do have cancer."

Everyone's response is basically the same, a shocked: "What?"

For those of you who do not know me well, let me explain. I'm probably the healthiest person I know. I haven't touched a soda since the beginning of my waitress days in college. Since my first taste of an organic carrot in San Francisco back in 1992 I have never looked back. I rarely miss a day at work because I'm just not sick. I have traveled around the world eating street food whenever I can and never got the disentary I watched my travel companions doubled over with. I get a fever maybe, what, every 4-6 years if that?

I believe (or at least I used to) that physical issues can be a manifestation of ones mental or emotional state. So, I worked my ass off to come to terms with the deep rivers of rage and arrogance that ran through me. I enjoy going to a therapist and making peace with the story of my life and know that "my story happened to me" but I am "not my story". I have been to quite a few workshops to reclaim my self worth, to value myself and to love myself and I can sense how they have worked. I can be with myself with a plethora of emotions, both 'good' and 'bad'. I have worked with energy workers to clear my chakras, shamans to make space in my aura and of course acupuncturists to balance my meridians.

As of June 2008 I had officially declared to my spiritual teacher that I had spent 10 years trying everything I wanted to spiritually and have settled into my truth of what really works for me. For the first time in my life I felt like a whole and integrated being. I really really wanted to be in my body, to be fully present and contributing. I was done with (literally) 9 years of post graduate schooling and I was no longer a student.

I was hitting my stride with work and appreciating how good I am at my job. My inner entrepreneur was coming out to play within the business I have been called into and loving it! You see that photo of me over there? Since I was a child I have been scared of the camera. For some reason, on Monday the 11th, the night before I was diagnosed with cancer, I did my first ever photo shoot of myself on my mac so that I could start doing on-line dating. For the first time ever I was comfortable in front of the camera. I have always appreciated my inner beauty, but was amazed to see how beautiful I am on the outside! After 39 years of avoiding my self, I was finally feeling safe enough to let myself be seen!

I gotta be honest, for the first time I felt grounded, beautiful and whole.

But it seems like my 'wholeness' includes cancer. Go figure?