"Don't you know, I have Cancer damnit!"

I have been a student of the spiritual arts for years now. I have studied Loving-Kindness Meditations, participated in Priestess Trainings all over the world and explored Christian Mysticism. If I was curious about it, I gave myself full permission to explore it. The one thing that all these spiritual trainings have in common is the talk about getting into the present moment. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to tell you that NOTHING has has ever brought me closer to the present mind than cancer. And my friends who have been down this road concur too.

...What do you mean you have not received my check for the phone bill. I mailed it out last week. Don't you know that I have cancer? I don't have time to deal with this red tape. I need to find a solution to this problem NOW!!

... How dare you cut me off at La Cienega Blvd. I have Cancer!!

...really, your boss can't understand why you are frustrated at your job... do I sound like someone who gives a shit?? I have Cancer!!!

...should you keep your hair long in front or go for the youthful bangs? How the fuck should I know? Don't you know that I have cancer!!

And even those who are close to me are getting into it. My sister was returning sunglasses at Lohmann's the other day and of course there was an annoying Lohmann's customer in front of her trying to return something too. And she stood there and thought, "Come on. Hurry up!! Don't you know, My sister has Cancer!!"

Now, don't get me wrong. I am interested in other people. I like to listen and people like to talk. And other times I like to talk and bitch and moan... and I have great friends who listen. I don't solve other people problems anymore (got done with that narcissistic way of being years ago), but rather, I hold space for people to understand their own process. I do this professionally, I do this personally. It is a gift that I have, it is a skill I have cultivated, it is a way of being in the world that works for me.

And I hate that when people call me now and I ask how they are doing, and they answer, and then they ask me how I am doing, and I answer, "I'm not sick, I just have cancer", they feel like complete idiots for complaining about their life in the first place. I really don't like that place, and it is the reality of where I am. What was considered 'normal' conversation just 2 days ago has changed radically overnight. And I can't change that. It just is.

God, I would give my left arm (and the cancer in the left arm :) to go back and complain about how I need to get to my colorist ASAP before my roots make me look older than I am, or what about my white trash nails that need a manicure? Or bitch to my sister about how I have NOTHING to wear - yet a closet full of clothes. All of that has become irrelevant, at the moment... and yet I look forward to those being the biggest challenges of my day.

So, I let things move and shift. Again, I am so NOT in charge.